Hi Beaser
It's definitely tough when the people pleaser in us is often chatting away up there in our head: 'If you don't say 'Yes', that person is going to get upset with you', 'If you don't find time in your busy schedule to help that person, this makes you a horrible human being', 'If you don't please these people, they're going to speak smack about you to everyone else and then everyone will hate you' and on it goes. I've found the only thing that will appease the people pleaser in me is...you guessed it...pleasing people. In its extreme, the people pleaser in me will make sure I never please myself and has proven to be quite anxiety inducing and downright depressing in the past at times.
I believe we humans are multifaceted creatures and being so can lead to the question 'What other part of me is going to lead the people pleaser in me to take a back seat on occasion?'. Another way of looking at it is 'If the people pleaser is always driving me (my decisions and actions), what other facet of myself can I put in the driver's seat for a change?'. I've found
- The intolerant part of me will drive me to say 'No' on occasion. For example, if the person who wants me to please them is demanding and harassing and is always used to getting their own way, the intolerant part of me may insist 'You have got to stop enabling this person and you have got to stop tolerating all their demands and harassment'
- The sage in me may insist 'You are doing way to much for everyone else. You need a break, some down time to yourself so that you can recharge. You need to learn to say 'No''
- The adventurer in me may insist 'Enough work! It's time for adventure or recreation. It's time to re-create yourself through something new. Take a break from others so that you can fully focus on yourself. Go away somewhere so that people can't contact you, unless in the case of an emergency'
So, just a few of the chatty aspects of myself that force the people pleaser in me into the back seat.
I can relate to a twisting of the truth sometimes, in the way of self preservation. Some people in life can be difficult customers at times, that's for sure. It can kind of be 'What's going to lead them to excuse me from pleasing them?'. In other words 'What's the excuse going to be?'. If they're typically the kind of people who won't listen to reason, they'll rubbish my legitimate reasons for not being able to do something. So I'll give them a reason they can relate to. I smile when I think of an excuse I've never used but one that would definitely lead anyone to excuse me from showing up to help them and that would be 'Sorry I had to cancel last minute, I had explosive diarrhea'. Quite the visual there 😂. The people we don't want to let down, the ones who'd feel sad if we didn't show up, are another story. The 'It's not you, it's me' approach can be a much easier let down for us and them to feel. 'I was feeling really unwell' might sound like a lie but is it really, in some cases? It would not be untrue if we were feeling mentally unwell (highly stressed, filled with absolute dread or deeply depressed). It can be a legitimate excuse in a nutshell, all condensed into a simple statement. Not having a lot of confidence in our self can be yet another reason for not being completely honest in the first place. To be able to confidently say 'I'm not a fan of camping. Sorry to let you down' can be the challenge. From the disappointment side of things, if someone's led to not appoint us the role of 'enthusiastic camper', there's no dis-appointment to be experienced or felt at any late stage. There can be plenty of other appointments to take on that can lead us and others to feel happy 🙂
