Struggling Mum

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Hi everyone… I am very new to this!
I have social anxiety and GAD. Some days are good and I can leave the house and have no problem, but those are rare. Since my second child it has gotten worse. I found myself breaking down to my husband last night, who really truly wants to understand. But he doesn't.
I find myself not being able to talk to my best friend about it. She is in a different stage in her life and when she doesn’t understand something, she never knows what to say so I won’t get replies. I had connected with someone else I've known for a while. But I think she is going through her own things and has shut off recently. I don't want to bother her.
I feel like I am letting my kids down. I want to be that mum that goes out most days takes them somewhere fun without stressing. With having toddler and a baby it is so exhausting even just going to the supermarket. I didn’t feel safe in the last town I was in, so when we moved I had more good days than bad (leaving the house, even going to playgroup), but in the last few months that changed. My husband picks up things that we need, but I worry that him helping is letting my anxiety get the better of me. I feel like I should just be forcing myself to go, even though he doesn’t mind. Sometimes I cant even go to the mailbox. The strange thing is, if its something urgent or if it something my kids need – I can push through (doctor appointments for them/hospital/pharmacy). I have tried medication before but it made me have horrible thoughts and I didnt feel right. So I just stopped taking them (I know that's not great).
I am a stay at home mum and work from home, which makes for late nights and struggling during the day trying to keep both kids happy so I can focus on my work. I love my job, it makes me feel good but being mum and working from home is really trying. I feel it helps me keep some identity, not being just ‘mum’ 24/7. We can’t afford child care just yet.
I have connected with one person who has anxiety (she still gets out though) I haven't confided in her fully. I have a problem with opening up because it makes me feel weak and embarrassed. Majority of people have no idea what’s really happening with me. My husband says how good I am at hiding it.
I want to go out on my own for me time but something is holding me back. I can’t continue like this. I worry about every little thing, about how people perceive me, do they even like me? Even though I know my worry is for no reason. It’s exhausting.

[White_Rose]

Dear AnxietyMumLonelyMum

Welcome to the beyondblue forum. It's good that you have your way here.

Anxiety is not good in anyone's life and especially when you are struggling with two very young children and a job. I'm not surprised you are finding the going tough. I want to suggest you see your GP. I wonder if part of your difficulty is Post Natal Depression. You have two children close together with all the attendant hard work, including the usual worries we have about our children. It can be very difficult.

My first two children were one year apart so I have an idea of where you are at. Then when I had my fourth child I had PND. No more babies after that. A good GP can help you through this time. I know taking meds was not good for you and this can often be the case. However, if your GP offers a different medication please consider trying it. If you have PND meds may help that part and you will not feel so bad.

Your GP can also refer you to a psychologist through a mental health plan. This may be very helpful for you. Fees are subsidised via Medicare for visits on this plan. Hopefully your GP can refer you to someone who bulk bills as I understand finances are tight in your house. I understand your reluctance to leave the house and normally would not suggest you make yourself go. I do here as getting help is a priority for you. Please try.

It's good your husband wants to understand how you feel. He is probably quite concerned about you. Beyondblue has information on anxiety and depression which you can find by browsing under The Facts at the top of the page. You can download fact sheets and send for booklets. There is a booklet for friends and family which your husband may find useful. Getting reliable information is a good step.

Can you take your children into the garden? I know it's a bit cold but the weather warms up a bit during the day. That is unless you live in the southern states which I understand are quite cold. I live in Qld which is not bad for warmer weather. It will help you all. Perhaps you can play with your elder child while baby is asleep inside. At the toddler stage they can be quite active so you may get some exercise as well. It's always good to exercise when you feel sad and anxious because it does help to feel better about yourself.

I hope this helpful.

Mary

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Thank you so much for your reply White Rose.

I think you're right, I will see my GP. My back is out and I know I need to go there anyway. I need help with that as I am struggling to even pick up the children! I didn't think I had PND only because I have always been like this so I wasn't sure it could be PND. Having said that, it does seem to have gotten worse since baby 2.

I know this is important, so I will try. I know how I am feeling isn't right and I know I should get help. I do hope they will make it affordable for me. That has been a lot of the reason why I haven't been to a psychologist. I just hope the medication doesn't change me too much and I hope they would work with me to find something that helps me but still lets me be 'me'.

I can take them into the garden. Even while baby sleeps, thats a good idea. Some fresh air. As long as the baby sleeps. I usually have work to do and am on a deadline so as soon as the baby sleeps I try to get on to my work. I am starting to think I have put too much onto myself and should try just be 'mum' for a while. I just don't want it to end up me feeling more lost. Where I am is very cold but we can put on some warm clothes. Maybe I wouldn't feel as guilty about not being able to take him somewhere more fun if he is still outside having a good time.

This was helpful. Thank you so much for your reply.

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi there AnxietyMumLonelyMum,

Welcome to the forum. It is great to see you reaching out here for some support. Mary has offered you some really great suggestions already but thought I would add a few others. You are not alone. Many people go through periods of anxiety and feel stuck.

Like Mary has said, a great suggestion is to visit your GP and get a mental health care plan so you can access some psychological sessions. As a new and working mother myself, I can appreciate that it would be really difficult to find the strength to progress self care strategies due to fatigue and taking care of two little ones. Make sure that you acknowledge yourself for taking steps towards healing such as being on the forum and reaching out.

Betides your GP, there are a few programs that you might be able to find some support in a different way. For example there is a program that is Developed by Beyond Blue called NewAccess. It is a free program supports people with depression and/or anxiety and does not require a GP referral. It is only available in some parts of Australia and you can check to see if it is being offered in your area by going to this site:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/newaccess

Another support option that can be done online is a free program called Mindspot. It also supports people with depression and/or anxiety and can be done online as well as support via telephone. You can about the eligibility for the program by going to this site. www.mindspot.org.au

Importantly, there is National organisation that also has a support line called Perinatal Anxiety aNd Depression Australia (PANDA). There is great information on this site https://www.panda.org.au or you can ring the support number between 9:00am - 7:30pm AEST on 1300 726 306

Having anxiety in the postnatal period is common but if it is inhibiting you from doing the things you want to do, then there is help available. You can recover and feel strong again. I am glad you have found your way to the beyondblue forum.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

[White_Rose]

Hello Mum.

Do you mind if I use that name? I see you first as a mum and besides it's less letters to use. I am a grandma. If you prefer a different name (not your own), may I use that?

So pleased I could offer some helpful suggestions. How are you going today?

When you make the doctor's appointment I suggest you ask for a long appointment. Some doctors have 1/2 hour and 3/4 hour appointments. You need to time talk about the various difficulties which include your back.

It would also be beneficial if someone could care for the children, even if just in the waiting room. Children can be distracting when you are trying to explain anything or even in general conversation. I know as I had to take four of them around at various times. Lovely children as I am sure yours are but sometimes.... 😊

It's hard when you need to do something away from the children and feel it will never get done. Working from home can be a problem with little ones. Do both your children have at least one nap at the same time? That would give you an opportunity to complete work uninterrupted. Unfortunately children do not always sleep to order.

I would love to know how you got on with the GP. That is if you want to say. I hope all goes well. Please continue to post if you would like that. We are here to support you as much as possible so I will keep an eye out for your posts.

Mary

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Hi Nurse Jenn,

I wanted to thank you earlier for your reply! I am afraid I got caught up with the kids and trying to find a solution to my back being completely out. The days go so fast when I am focused on the kids, work and other problems. So thank you for your reply!

I will go and see my GP as soon as I can. I think it is a good idea. I was there just the other day for a couple of things and for my back. I am focused on getting that better and then I am going straight there for my anxiety. I have been taking medication for my back which I have now researched also helps with anxiety. Which may explain why I have been feeling so much more calm and my anxiety has been less the last couple days. Yesterday I was even able to (walking slowly and carefully) go to a friends house without any worry. I think this shows that I really would benefit from seeing my GP about this and also setting up a plan to see a psychologist. Feeling like this has made me realise how much I really have been struggling and this is probably how I should be feeling normally.

Yes you would definitely understand being a new mum and working mum yourself. It can be so tough. I hope you are getting through it okay.

I signed up to MindSpot. They've sent me an assessment and I can access free courses through them. Its a great idea. I am yet to look into the Beyond Blue link you sent me but I will. I will look at PANDA as well.

Thank you for all the info and your reply. I do feel a bit better after posting because I feel like there is a lot of support out there and options and that I dont have to keep struggling through it.

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Hello,

Mum is good 🙂

You may have seen my reply to Nurse Jenn. I am doing better in the last few days, but I think that may be because of the medication I have been taking for my back. I did however from the start feel a bit better because I did actually reach out and that really did help just doing that. There is a lot of support around and I don't feel like I just have to struggle through it all like I have been.

Thank you for the advice I will make sure I book for a long appointment. I actually went to a new doctor for my back and I really clicked with them. I didnt feel rushed at all like I have with other doctors. So I feel comfortable going to this doctor and speaking about these issues and setting up a plan.

Kids at the doctors can be very interesting. I could go at a time when their dad is home and it may be easier just to go there without them I think. Or he could watch them in the waiting room for me. I agree. They're gorgeous but they can be hard work.

I have been trying to get them both on the same napping schedule. Sometimes I am lucky but my toddler rarely naps anymore. Some days he will and thats a great help but others not so much. My baby has been napping a bit more than normal during the day so that has helped quite a bit as he is the one that needs most of my attention. The toddler at least can watch tv for a little while. Sadly they are usually only short cat naps that my baby does.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply to me. I will be going back to the doctor as soon as my back is fixed. I have been having some therapy for it to fix it. Once that is done, or if i have to go back because it doesnt improve, i will speak with my GP. As I said earlier I see how I believe I should be feeling normally, and so I am motivated more than ever to get the help I now know i really need.

I will make sure I keep you updated on what happens with GP.

[Waltz_blue]

Hi mum,

I am currently 14, so I don't think I'm really a mental health professional, but i was hoping I could share something from my point of view.

My mother currently suffers from anxiety and has a lot of pent up stress, but honestly, it isn't a bother to me and I definitely don't think that she's not the mum that i want her to be. She currently uses Headspace regularly, as well as frequently doing yoga and I can definitely see that it is helping. Another big thing is to get outside or have some me time. This is really crucial to help you get a bit of the weight off your back, and I would definitely recommend just sitting in the sun for a while and reading a book.

Additionally, don't under any circumstances force yourself to do something that will stress you out. This can't help, so if you can find a way to get around it, like getting your husband to do it, that might be for the best.

I wish I could say that I knew what it was like to be a parent, but I really can't imagine it. However, I do know what it's like to be a child. Your children might not understand what it's like to be stressed out, but they would never blame you for it.

Thanks for listening, Waltz.

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Hi Waltz,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate seeing it from your point of view.

It is nice to read that your mum's anxiety doesn't make her the kind of mum you wouldn't want her to be and that it doesn't bother you (I am very tired, I hope that made sense!) ... That makes me feel better thinking about my own children.

I am going to look into Headspace as well, thank you. I used to do Yoga and I think I should start that again, especially after reading that it is helping your mum. I love reading and I love the sunshine, so I will do this. Thank you.

I do feel I have to force myself to do things, but luckily my husband is very understanding and is always ready to help out. I appreciate reading your advice of not pushing myself like I feel I should. I do agree I initially feel much worse when I push myself.

Thank you so much for your reply. I truly appreciate it. You are very understanding and from a mothers point of view I would say without a doubt that your mum would be so appreciative of this.

[AnxietyMumLonelyMum]

Hi Mary,

I went to the GP and it is such a relief. They've given me some medication which I feel might already be starting to help slightly but it has only been maybe a week. I feel good knowing that I have a plan now and that I reached out to my GP. I have a mental health plan now which is great BUT they referred me to a psychologist where I will still be over 60 dollars out of pocket and 150 given upfront which we often dont have. I will see if other places can offer some free sessions without a referral now I have a mental health plan. Thanks so much for your reply, I wanted to give you an update.

Mum