Struggling. Hopelessness.

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello,

I would like to start by saying that I am already seeing a psychiatrist.

I think I have always had some issues. Never truly happy. My biggest issue is that I am always in my head - always making up false outcomes & worrying about the worst case scenarios. Anxiety.

I got with someone at a young age. We were happy. I have always been a good person, never abusive, always caring & thoughtful. We have 3 kids. After 10+ years, she left me for another man.

I was broken. For my 3 children, I immediately seeked help. I spoke to friends, I saw a therapist. I met a girl. I started to feel better.

I started to feel much better - However looking back now, I think it had a lot to do with the "Honeymoon period".

After sometime, I began becoming jealous. Overprotective. I was scared to be heartbroken again. Let me be clear - I don't think at any point I was a'crazy' boyfriend. I didn't yell or get angry, I didn't tell her she couldn't do things. I was needed constant reassurance. I would get in my own head, and when it got a lot, I would sit her down and explain to her how I was feeling. She was always so supportive. She 'understood' because of everything I had been through.

However it seems my issues have become to much for her, and she left me last night.

She said it wasn't me, the issue is that she has her hands full with a small child that has issues of his own, and her 'cup is almost full' already. She sent me a message afterward to say she was sorry and I am the kindest, sweetest man etc. But this just made me feel worse.

I feel trapped because I lost her because of my problems that I can't stop.

I feel as though I just want to be someone else. I hate myself. I hate who I've become.

I also have MAJOR issues with the man that my X is seeing. I can't stand it. Just any thought of him being there with the kids kills me. Is he abusing them? No. Is he a bad influence? Not that I can tell. He seems great with them.

But again, I am jealous. Life is not fair. Why should a decision by my X make me lose time with my children? Why should it mean that the man she left me for gets to spend quality time with my kids? Why should it mean he gets to have first experiences with them? That I feel low all the time? That I'm overly jealous, protective & scared?

I just feel like my mentality is ruined and I just can't do anything to help it.

I am at my wits end. Exhausted. I'm done. I'm having some really messed up thoughts at the moment. I feel so hopeless.

Please help.

[therising]

Hi WhereDoIBegin

"When will I ever work it out? When will I know who I am or what I want?"
"I don't think we ever will. But as long as we choose to keep moving forward, that's what's important."
My 'analytical' mind hates that. But I think my soul needs it.

Regarding myself as both an analytical and soulful person, I'm wondering whether your analytical mind hates the idea that you may never work it out because it knows you can, it refuses to accept you can't. I'll give you slightly different take on 'working things out', through analysis:

I used to have shocking low self esteem to the point where I'd feel compelled to please people just so they'd accept me. It was only recently that something really clicked in me. The revelation came through a simple phrase, 'That's questionable'. Suddenly, I found myself thinking 'That's questionable' in relation to many things. A couple of examples

• My husband comes home from work , and every night says to me 'I've really missed you', then goes off to his man cave until he's ready to go to bed. I used to feel quite rejected by this behaviour until I thought 'That's questionable. How can a person really miss you and then ignore you for the remainder of the day? What is wrong with this man?'
• I can say to someone 'I've worked out how to deal with the challenges of peri-menopause (hot flushes, heightened sensitivities and so on) and I think I've got it mastered to the point where I no longer feel effected by this shift in my life'. Typical response is 'Yeah, sure! Obviously you're not getting bad enough symptoms if you're saying this'. What the...? They'll then tell me 'you have to ride the symptoms out, through the discomfort'. To me, this is nuts, riding things out if you've worked out how to manage effectively. Their advice is highly questionable

So, through analysis, careful observation and the mantra 'That's questionable', I naturally worked self doubt out of my life to a large degree. Through new perspectives, old ones naturally get worked out of us.

Wondering if you ever analyse the behaviours of others and think 'That's highly questionable'. If so, do you go on to naturally question people, in thoughtful ways? I can even say to myself, regarding my own behaviour, 'That's highly questionable. Where the heck did that behaviour come from?' Some of my quirks are inherited from my parents. This unnatural behaviour is not mine. It was taught to me.

It's soulful(filling) to work things out through our evolution 🙂

[golden82]

Hi WhereDoIBegin,

Thank you for your kind words too. Yes, any kind of therapy and work can be draining/exhausting. But I find just life is exhausting and so hope that by working on my self hatred etc in the long run things will be a bit easier. So I guess if you can keep in mind that you are doing it for yourself in the long term. Given what you say about the voice and seeds of thought - that sounds like these things called automatic thoughts which we need to challenge and worse case scenarios as you mentioned previously. All that is in the CBT work. It should help you I think. I used to find myself even calling myself names if I spilt coffee - such a minor thing - but my mind would be swearing at myself. At the time the CBT encouraged me to stop that natural reaction/voice and challenge it. Although I am back to my old ways lol - so need to revisit CBT myself.

I know what you mean re a voice that takes over in your head. I have a long eating disorder (20yrs) and so am 99% driven by that voice. But do manage to fight it sometimes. So it is possible. It is very hard. But it is possible. Just try each time the thought of worthlessness pops up to recognise and stop/challenge it. Maybe your therapist can delve into where those beliefs/thoughts are stemming from. You may already know? I had no idea but my CBT teacher worked with me to help me understand where these negative beliefs had stemmed from and therefore to try undo them bit by bit. I think as therising put so well about what has stemmed from our parents/upbringing - environment etc and that these can be undone - with work. But you are more than capable.

PS - I really like your post therising re 'that's questionable'. I will certainly try put it to more things/ppl in my life. People squash me and I take their abuse and turn it inward; rather than analysing it and thinking 'that's questionable'..but it certainly is because like you I have family that say they miss/care but the actions do not match the words because I could go years without hearing from them and/or they treat me with abuse but claim to care. Inconsistent and confusing/gaslighting. So definitely food for thought. Thank you.

I hope you are feeling a bit better now WhereDoIBegin and that your week and plans go well.

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello therising & golden82, thankyou for your replies.

Unfortunately, things have gotten worst. I'm feeling very lost & broken.

I spoke to my partner, and she seemed quite happy with the idea of less contact. She told me she loves me and that a 'partial' break would be good as she'd have more time.

I was feeling OK. But then a few hours later she called me and said she had had time to think, and that she did want to break up.

It is killing me.

She said she needs to 'rediscover' herself. Unfortunately this brings back many bad memories of my ex-wife who said the same thing - who was with another man within a week.

I want to believe her but I find it very hard...

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm distraught.

What I can't understand is that I said I was willing to wait. We put the relationship on hold, no contact for as long as she needs. But she says she doesn't want the weight of a relationship or how I might feel about decisions she makes for herself or her son in the back of her mind.

I invest myself so heavily into these people. I don't understand what happens, what goes wrong.

All I want is for someone to love me. I just can't understand why this keeps happening to me.

I'm struggling to cope as it is. I thought she was there for me. I thought that she cared.

I see a relationship as a work in progress. One person supporting the other & so on. I held up my end. I hate the false promises. We always talked about a future together, we had so many plans. And then she just gives up.

Is no one like me? Or do I just keep picking people that don't care, love & invest like I do?

I'm feeling more lost than ever.

[therising]

Hi WhereDoIBegin

I'm so sorry to hear you're in so much pain, I truly am. Wondering if there's a friend you can sit with, who can help you make sense of this, someone who can guide you through this grieving process. You'll need to guide them too, in how you want to face this. If you're after answers as opposed to consoling or if you're looking for both, it would pay to make this clear to your friend.

You may be spot on, nobody you've come across knows how to love like you do

• If you're sensitive, are others as sensitive to your needs as you are to theirs?
• If you're thoughtful, do others put as much thought into a relationship as you do?
• If you love actively in a lot of ways and don't just proclaim love through words, do others love as actively?
• Do you love to raise people through inspiration but you're never feeling quite as inspired by them?

Is it possible that people are naturally drawn to you because you know how to love unselfishly and soulfully but they don't recognise this and give up?

WDIB, you can try so hard to love someone to life but they just don't recognise all the amazing ways you're doing this. For some reason, they don't recognise love in it's purest form. I've been through this with my husband. Been married for just over 18 years and I believe I've finally given up. I've loved him through challenging him to leave his comfort zone, so as to be more excited by life. I've loved him by inviting him into deeper conversations, so he can get to know there's more to him than what he believes but he prefers small talk. I've loved him through trying to reason with him at times yet he's just not big on listening to reason, unless it suits him. Like you, I'm a serious thoughtful investor but, sadly, I've come to realise that he loves a relationship that serves him in the ways he likes. Have had many revelations over the past several months and one of them is I can't be free to be my natural self around him, without triggering him to agitation half the time. He likes to be comfortable. This took me through a grieving process. I've been lucky enough to love myself through it and out of it. Only taken me 49 years to come to love myself. I'm a slow learner 🙂 My teenage kids love the way I love them to life. They return such love effortlessly.

WDIB, we can be brilliant in the way we love but some just can't see the light.

Find that friend who can act as a guide and don't lose faith in your ability to love brilliantly.

🙂