Struggling. Hopelessness.

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello,

I would like to start by saying that I am already seeing a psychiatrist.

I think I have always had some issues. Never truly happy. My biggest issue is that I am always in my head - always making up false outcomes & worrying about the worst case scenarios. Anxiety.

I got with someone at a young age. We were happy. I have always been a good person, never abusive, always caring & thoughtful. We have 3 kids. After 10+ years, she left me for another man.

I was broken. For my 3 children, I immediately seeked help. I spoke to friends, I saw a therapist. I met a girl. I started to feel better.

I started to feel much better - However looking back now, I think it had a lot to do with the "Honeymoon period".

After sometime, I began becoming jealous. Overprotective. I was scared to be heartbroken again. Let me be clear - I don't think at any point I was a'crazy' boyfriend. I didn't yell or get angry, I didn't tell her she couldn't do things. I was needed constant reassurance. I would get in my own head, and when it got a lot, I would sit her down and explain to her how I was feeling. She was always so supportive. She 'understood' because of everything I had been through.

However it seems my issues have become to much for her, and she left me last night.

She said it wasn't me, the issue is that she has her hands full with a small child that has issues of his own, and her 'cup is almost full' already. She sent me a message afterward to say she was sorry and I am the kindest, sweetest man etc. But this just made me feel worse.

I feel trapped because I lost her because of my problems that I can't stop.

I feel as though I just want to be someone else. I hate myself. I hate who I've become.

I also have MAJOR issues with the man that my X is seeing. I can't stand it. Just any thought of him being there with the kids kills me. Is he abusing them? No. Is he a bad influence? Not that I can tell. He seems great with them.

But again, I am jealous. Life is not fair. Why should a decision by my X make me lose time with my children? Why should it mean that the man she left me for gets to spend quality time with my kids? Why should it mean he gets to have first experiences with them? That I feel low all the time? That I'm overly jealous, protective & scared?

I just feel like my mentality is ruined and I just can't do anything to help it.

I am at my wits end. Exhausted. I'm done. I'm having some really messed up thoughts at the moment. I feel so hopeless.

Please help.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Thank you for being part of the beyondblue community forums and sharing your story with us.  We expect that you will start receiving a few responses from the community over the next 48 hours. In the meantime, we've sent you a private message to offer some additional support. If you feel up to it, we’d encourage you to reach out to our Support Service. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Lifeline is also another great option for support, which you can access by calling 13 11 14 or visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat

[White_Rose]

Hello WhereDoIbegin

Not a problem to find you. I just meant tell us where you posted and what title you used. Sorry I did not explain this properly. I will ask the moderator to close your first post so no one replies there but is able to see where you are currently posting. Saves the need for constantly checking.

I see Sophie has given you some suggestions about talking to others. At any time when you are not coping well please feel free to contact beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 available 24/7.

Thanks for the information about yourself and your situation. It always helps to know what is happening for you. Have you sorted out the arrangements for custody of your children? I believe it is important you have regular access such as every other weekend and time during school holidays. You may feel better when this has been sorted out and you know you will see the children regularly. Actually, if they are your children by your first partner why are they living with your second partner? Or do I have situation wrong? Please let me know.

It always amazes me how we can immediately jump to the worst conclusion about anything. I know this is something I do quite often. One moment everything is fine and suddenly we are in this completely unreal scenario and getting upset because it seems real. We start working out ways to cope, what to do, what to say when all the time the event is firmly in our brains not in reality. It may help to know you are not the only one who does this.

What does your psychiatrist say about it? Has he/she given you any sort of diagnosis about your mental health? Not that a label means anything because we are who we are regardless of any kind of name given to us. It is our job to manage the situation with the help of the professional MH people and anyone else who cares about us.

I can hear how much you are hurting because of being separated from your children. And it does appear unfair that someone else should have the experiences that you feel should be yours.You are right that it is your over-active imagination that is causing the difficulties. I know it's easy for me to say stop thinking in that way. If it was easy you would not be doing it. While we are two different people I will say I have been where you are now. Perhaps not with such intensity but that is not the point. I do 'get it'.

So how long have you been seeing the psych? You said in your first post you are not sure if it is helping. Can you explain a little more?

Mary

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello Mary,

Sorry I was not clear, the girl I was seeing that left me last night has nothing to do with the children, I am referring to my ex-wife, whom I had the children with, in that scenario.

I have plenty of time with the kids, that is not the issue.

In fact that is just another thing I struggle with. They are all young. It is very hard on my own.

I want them more because I miss them & I think it is unfair that I should not get a choice in them not being around. But I have them so much that I become overwhelmed and I have no time for myself.

Between my full time job (and let's not get into how unfairly I think my child support is calculated) and the time with the kids, I have very little downtime.

I took a dependency in smoking and drinking, and became vary alcoholic at one point. Luckily, I began seeing my therapist again at this point and I have managed to pull myself away, for now. I was going OK with this but I am struggling a lot more right now because of recent events.

As for the psychiatrist, I started seeing him about 3 months after the seperation from my wife, and probably saw him for about 6 months or so. As I mentioned the high I had from the 'Honeymoon period' in my first post, I think this was a large reason as to why we both thought I seemed OK enough to stop. I began seeing him again about 3 months ago.

Somedays I think it helps but I really can't tell. He says I PTSD and he was also saying something in my last session but I can't really remember what it was exactly, sorry.

The thing is I see him once every 2-3 weeks. I don't know if he quite understands how bad it hurts inside. I feel like I need a guidance councilor for my own thoughts every day. But I know I can't be reliant on people, I feel like this was half the issue with my most recent breakup. I have these issues that I just need to get out in the open and I just want people to help me because no matter what I do I just can't see to help myself.

Right now is the lowest I have ever felt. I am a full grown man & I have cried several times writing this. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

[therising]

Hi WhereDoIBegin

'There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition and of unspeakable love.' - Washington Irving

They are also a well noted form of natural stress release. You do, without a doubt, sound like you are under enormous stress. It's definitely stressful and potentially depressing when your 'go to' person for helping you manage your emotions and self understanding doesn't have the ability to cope with added challenges, like those that come with managing mental health. It may be a matter of giving her a breather if that's really what she needs at the moment.

The stress and exhaustion that come with a full time job can definitely drain the energy supply for trying to manage the high energy of kids. Wondering if you have ideas for relaxed activity with the kids, as opposed to feeling like you have to do something exciting with them the whole time they're in your care. Let them entertain you if you can. An absolute beauty of a game to play with kids when you want to relax is 'Hairdresser'. You get a good brush, some pretend scissors, a scalp massager and you pay them (pretend money if you want) to brush your hair and give you a scalp massage. If you're game, you can get them to wash your hair as well. Of course, this all depends on how old they are. This kind of things inspires their imagination and teaches them life is also about giving and relaxed activity, not just go, go, go all the time.

Sounds like you've worked so hard to manage your life in a lot of constructive ways: Seeing a therapist, cut out or down on the alcohol, managing to spend time with your kids the best you can and even trying to manage the jealousy aspects that can play on your mind. Don't undersell the incredible effort you've made, all the challenges you've raised yourself through and are still raising yourself through. From personal experience, gradually raising yourself out of depression can be a slow and painful process with what feels like a lot of setbacks along the way. There can be some massive challenges thrown in, through our rise out of depression; some pretty depressing ones in fact, with the potential to bring us down. I had some near soul destroying rippers thrown into my own rise out of depression.

You're painfully questioning a lot at the moment. I'm glad you've come here to help you find the way forward.

[WhereDoIBegin]

Hello therising,

Thank you a lot for your reply.

I understand that she may need a breather. Half of me understands it. Half of me resents her, because she had some issues too, and I never cowered away from them.

This is a big problem I have - I don't understand myself...

Do I love her? Do I want to be with her?
I think so...

Or am I just afraid to be alone? Do I compensate to much, walk on eggshells so that I can be 'happy'?

I hate the thought of her with someone else... Why?
Because I should be with her? Because no one will love her like I do?

Or because I'm afraid she will find someone better? Or because I'm possessive? Jealous?

I just don't know who I am, what I want, where I should be.

And I try & I try and I search & I search, but I always end up back here.

I just want to understand...

All I have is questions and no answers...

I thought maybe I should speak to her and offer a go back to the beginning type of scenario. Maybe we just see each other once a week. I can keep my issues to friends & the therapist. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but that it is too much for her right now. I really feel that she is being true.

But then I again, I just wonder if I'm settling? Maybe I need someone who is more emotionally available... Maybe I want someone that can handle me...

But maybe she can handle me once things settle down a bit? Maybe this is temporary. Maybe it is worth waiting.

I don't know how to decide...

As for the kids. That does sound like a good little activity, although it may be hard as I have 3 of them, so working them altogether can be difficult. I find it hard because I feel like I have to get quality time with them because it is limited, but then I do so much and become burnt out, stick them in front of the TV for sometime, and then feel guilty about it. And around I go...

I have worked hard, and I still do, because I just don't want to feel like this anymore, but it is getting hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It feels like I DO tell myself about my good qualities. I have plenty. I am kind, loyal, caring, hard-working, I have a good career etc. But it can't change how I feel...

[golden82]

Hi WhereDoIBegin,

I am not a professional in this counselling stuff but really felt the need to reply as another person. Your posts are so heartfelt and detailed of your situation and feelings - I nearly cried for you reading them.

Firstly, you are obviously very intelligent and also self aware (even though you may not see that). You sound as though you are trying very hard in all aspects of life and 'burning the candle at both ends'. It is good that you have access to the psychiatrist to help you through. I agree that it feels as though they do not understand just how bad a situation we are in and that we need more support. I suggest you express to him as you have done here if you could have more frequent appointments for the time being. Sometimes we wear a mask and try keep head above water which can give off that we are doing better than truly are.

It sounds as though you are very hard on yourself. If you re-read your posts you can see all the good you are doing and helping to support others. You should be so proud of yourself - and a little less hard on yourself - try and write down all these accomplishments. I do not have children but really feel for you missing out on those experiences with yours. Unfortunately this is so very common. My parents divorced when I was 8 yo and I was raised by Dad (a decision made by others) and I really have not had much of a relationship with my mother since (I am 37 yo now). But I am sure if you keep up your times with them and relationship with them it wont turn out that way. They will have you in their life - and no-one can replace you as their Dad.

Please hang in there - reach out on here - or even ring the lines; there are so many that can help; even just to listen without judgement. Get as much support as you need and try value yourself. I know it is hard. I also live in my head with the anxiety and worse case scenarios and also hate myself - that is from abuse and complex PTSD . Others can tell me my strengths etc but I have a hard time believing it and therefore still hate myself. So I can understand if you still feel bad even with us all replying...but just little by little listen to others praising you instead of the negative thoughts and anxiety. I did a course in CBT and learnt about challenging thoughts which really helped at the time (should really review it as not doing as well now). I am sure you can look this up online or see if GP can give you psychology for something like this. Take care.

[therising]

Hi WhereDoIBegin

Definitely sounds like you have a lot of possible choices running through your mind. You mention 'I don't know how to decide'. It can be tough when you're a thoughtful or analytical person. From personal experience, the hardest choice to make is the intuitive one, the one that naturally stands out. It can require a fair bit of self trust. The self trust part comes in when 1) trusting that it's the choice we need to make in order to move forward and 2) trusting that we can manage hearing something we don't necessarily want to hear. For example, you may tell her you'd like to reform the relationship, to seeing each other once or twice a week. If she says 'No, I just can't', can you trust yourself to manage this decision of hers? While you can be left beating yourself up for having suggested such a plan, don't forget that it's possibly a brilliant plan filled with compromise, yet she may not recognise the brilliance and compromise. Although heartbreaking, such a decision on her part will have given you direction in moving forward, without her. I see you've even asked yourself, in some form, whether you're better off without her - 'Do I love her? Do I want to be with her? I think so...Or am I just afraid to be alone? Do I compensate to much, walk on eggshells so that I can be 'happy'?'

All your questions that you ask yourself at the moment are a part of coming to know yourself better. Each time you rise through a challenge, you will know yourself a little better. Every time you find what works and what doesn't, you will know yourself a little better. As I mentioned, it can be a long process, raising our self out of a depression. Step by step, challenge by challenge we have to be able to say to our self 'I'm better than what I originally thought I was'. You'll know you're finally out when you find you're saying to yourself 'I'm amazing, the way I handled my depression'. What is especially amazing is when you realise not a lot of people actively helped you out of it. You did most of it on your own. This helps explain that lonely feeling in depression.

As with the kids...keep in mind you're exhausted. Nothing wrong with a little tv babysitting. A lot is not so constructive. Find a few quality DVDs they'll love you for. Get your hands on some Lego or something constructive that'll feed their imagination as well.

Have faith, you're trying to question your way out of depression. You have good quality questions. Some may lead to tough decisions.

🙂

[WhereDoIBegin]

Dear golden82,

Thank you for your kind words, it does always help to know that I am not alone.

I think you are right, it is hard to be completely vulnerable. I do wear a mask to some degree. I will get in contact with my therapist this week and see if I can start seeing him a bit more.

I do believe that self-criticism is one of my biggest issues. As I said in a previous post - I know all my good qualities, I get told them, and I can see them myself. But for some reason my mind has this little voice that seems so much powerful.

It's like, my mind will say 'it's because you're worthless'. Sometimes I don't even hear it, I don't even know it has been said. And then I try to tell myself 'it's OK. You aren't worthless. You're doing your best.' But no matter what I say or how much I say it, the seed has be sown, and the emotion that comes is already there, and I find it very hard to fight my way back.

I am sorry to hear about your experience with your childhood & your mother, it is refreshing to see from your post that you seem very well put-together regardless. You seem like a very resilient person. You should be proud.

These posts are making me feel better, it is nice to know there are people that care, even though they don't have to.

Yes, my therapist had me doing CBT the first time I saw him. I think it helped a little, but I also find it to be another exhausting exercise. Wouldn't it be nice if we all just had an off switch?

[WhereDoIBegin]

Dear therising,

Thank you for your very intelligent replies.

I think you hit the nail on the head. Analytical is a good way to describe me. I have a lot of issues with 'trust', because I am very scientific, in the regard that I kind of rely on facts to believe something.

Something that I have always wanted is faith. I have a huge fear of death, not the kind of fear that doesn't allow me to do particular things, but again - in my head - I can find myself down a very anxious & depressive rabbit hole when I begin to think about what might be. Not remembering anything, or being forgotten. I know the age old saying 'it won't affect you when you're gone', but the issue is it affects me now. Sometimes I get the thought: What is the point?

As for the self trust, I don't know if I just don't receive that 'intuitive' choice, or if by the time I realize it's there, I've questioned it to the point that I don't know it is intuitive anymore.

And that's the kind of issue I'm having with this decision. I don't know which things I really feel. Perhaps it is a combination of all the questions I asked.

You've given me something to think about. I think I have decided (after talking with a friend last night), that I will in fact talk to her, and see if she wants to either take a step back, or even take an actual break - until her cup is a little less full - and then see where we are at. I need to really dedicate that time to self-help, and making myself better. Maybe the next time we get together, both our cups will only be half full.
But whether I can take the rejection that comes if she disagrees? It's something I know I need to be prepared for, because I think a lot of the time my depression comes from having that plan, and/or that hope, and when it doesn't pan out that way? Crash. Back I sink.

So now I just hope that when I 'think' I'll be OK with it, I actually will.

My friend said something that resonated with me last night, it makes me emotional to think about, but I think that he is on to something.

I said to him "When will I ever work it out? When will I know who I am or what I want?"

He replied "I don't think we ever will. But as long as we choose to keep moving forward, that's what's important."

My 'analytical' mind hates that. But I think my soul needs it.