Storm

[Kyky]

Hi lm new to this type of forum lm 42 and have suffered depression anxiety and panic disorder for 26 yrs since my son's passing, it has taken many shapes and forms affecting different parts and stages of my and my family's lives the whole time.
I've had brief moments of calm but l can feel it just sitting there biding it's time to barge into my every thought and feeling,sometimes l can push it aside like its nothing taking control back and briefly winning that fight but never the war.
I am very good at keeping my happy fun mask on that l even fool myself sometimes that lm ok, sometimes this is the truth sometimes the storm as l call it is nowhere to be seen it's just blue sky's and sun. But other times l can feel it rumbling just off in the distance always coming closer always threatening to turn my light dark and ruin the day.

For me it's the physical symptoms have been getting worse as the years go on feeling sick dizy sweaty shaking my hands and feet go cold as ice heart palpitations and the feeling lm going to die just to name a few.


Today the storm is raging and l feel like lm drowning in feelings in tears just in life and l can't seem to find my way through it to the calm.

[Swan_13]

Hi Kyky,

I firstly wanted to say congratulations on posting as a new forum member and thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Losing your son must have been very painful and I can see how your thoughts around this would stay with you on a daily basis. It makes sense that you refer to it as a war - it seems like this grief has been ongoing for you and your family.

From the description you gave of "the storm", am I right in saying that you have had a lot of built up frustration and anger from being unable to control your emotions at times? It seems like you feel very overwhelmed right now. I think that it's completely valid that you feel this way - I want to highlight that tears are okay... you're allowed to have compassion for yourself when you feel you are unable to find your way back to "the calm".

It sounds as though this grief is not only affecting the way you feel emotionally but also your physical state. You must be experiencing such a whirlwind of emotions for it to start causing things like dizziness, sweating, heart palpitations etc.

You mentioned that you're good at keeping your happy mask on - do you mind me asking whether you tend to express the way you've been feeling to anyone else, or do you tend to keep it to yourself? It's okay to acknowledge that you're not okay.

I hope you find some moments of calm today and hope to hear back from you - this is a safe space where you can discuss any feelings of darkness without having to keep your happy mask on all the time.