speechless

[mandy6]

I think I have social anxiety. I have authority issues (is this a real thing or just a Grey's Anatomy thing?) when someone is my senior I can't have a conversation with them, I know exactly what I'm going to say, but i always back down last minute because I get really stressed. Also if someone says something that I know is wrong I can't correct them even if I know they would want to be corrected, because as I am about to open my mouth my whole body tenses up and I physically can't say anything. I have an irrational fear of looking stupid/ idiotic, I know that I am and that everyone already knows that I am so I wouldn't be revealing anything new at all. 

so does anyone have any tips on overcoming anxiety? Is there a way to learn how to talk to people, approach them? be able to ask others for help and help them when needed? 

thanks

[mandy6]

haha, the second last post was a reply to White Night's comment. sorry White Night I only just read over it, and only now do I realize how aggressive it sounds.

I have finished with ranting and will now go on to address your questions. Ok well I like lots of things, I really enjoy most music, except any scremo, and I avoid anything which has been played on the Fox. I especially like the Hives, the Velvet underground, and all musicals. I play an instrument, and I can do sport but am not really bothered to... yeah I should probably get onto that. I like reading if I have a good book. The last book I read was called "The Prisoner's Dilemma", I recommend it if you feel like reading. I also do things like watch tv and movies, I play with my dogs, I can cook (but only do so when I'm hungry rather than for fun). 

thanks for the reply, you have such a reassuring tone which is so comforting in such times of distress. 

hope to hear back from you.

[Neil_1]

Dear Mandy

Thanx again for your most recent posts and especially thank you so much for the really kind words you expressed about me.  You may not think it, but it DOES mean a lot – I’m suffering my own troubles, so it’s always really lovely to hear that I’m able to have a positive effect on others.

I am sorry to hear of the poor relationship that you have with your parents – it would make for quite difficult times at home I’d imagine.  I do hope there’s no ‘other dramas’ there though – as in I hope you feel safe.

No way are you sounding weird at all.  Darkness provides fears for so MANY people - entering a room that is dark – there is nothing irrational about that. 

(Quick diversion:  I grew up on a farm;  one night I had to go out and feed the poddy lambs (lambs without a mother) – they were in the house paddock, about 50 metres or so from the house.  I’d finished and I was walking back, when I heard this THUD THUD THUD THUD behind me – I screamed out, dropped the bottles and bolted for the house – flew in and straight under the kitchen table.  Mum came out to see what was happening, and in walked my brother (he saw me and decided to jog slowly and very heavily behind me), who’d been down doing his spot of feeding – he was grinning at me and I was, well I was quite beside myself (meaning I’d just about crapped my pants!). 

Getting out of bed can be a real chore – because you are cocooned in a very safe place (and at this time of year) a warm place and more so as well if we’re experiencing things in our daily lives that are causing us problems.  That’s a very real fear because ‘why’ would we want to get out of something where we feel at least content to then go and take on all the unknowns and issues that we experience each day.  You know Mandy, as I’ve just explained that you’ve actually produced a question that will help me assist others with this very same issue – I hadn’t actually broken it down and thought about it this much before, so thank you.

I understand your fear of falling or tripping over something when you’re walking and you are NOT weird or different or anything like that for thinking these things and having these as problems.  They exist for you and they are real issues to be dealt with.

I think my word limit is close to breaking point for this reply, so I'll start another for you.

Chat soon

Neil

[white knight]

Dear Mandy,

I think Neil is covering all aspects of your fears and other issues at the moment. Sometimes we reply to posters here and we may or not 'connect' with them. We dont get the full picture from the first post alone.  My post wasnt meant to be aggressive at all. But we can all read posts and like Facebook, we dont see the smile nor the concern and it may or may not come out in a reply. I am concerned.

In my case anxiety was a huge issue when a teenager. So much so I wanted to run away from my town, incorrectly thinking my town was the only town like it. That I'd be happy in another town with real friends. Friends I felt so comfortable with that I could talk to them without that lump in my throat. But alas, everywhere I went I had the same issue.

With anxiety I only ever got relief from relaxation techniques and counselling. With counselling I was told that my fears were quite normal and I began to accept a lot of my own thoughts as normal. It was only then that I began to accept myself more.

But its tough. But I got through it. And the anxiety went away eventually. However I now have a safety zone in groups even at 58yo. I had to accept that I would never be the centre of attention nor popular....I'd never be like the rest.  But you know, I also know I dont want to be like the rest. The rest think they have close friendships but they are "cafe friends". I have a few real close friends that I can share my troubles and them theirs. And we help each other get through life.

I hope this helps with your anxiety.  Regards.  WK

[Neil_1]

I’m back again – to finish off my last message;  of which I only really expanded on the problems you raised but with that you’ve actually triggered a lot in my mind with this thread that you’ve got going. 

 It’s really excellent to hear all these things you’re putting out there – and you know I mean that in the nicest possible way cause if you didn’t have these issues, you’d never have come here in the first place.

 That was awesome to read all of the things that hold an interest for you.  That’s heaps positive – Hmmmm, The Prisoner’s Dilemma – I must investigate that, cause I do enjoy a good book.  

 Out of all the sports, which are a couple of your favourites, or one’s that you enjoy to play??

One more question back for you – I won’t do too many more, I promise – otherwise you’ll need to reply with TWO posts of your own.  What kinds of dogs do you have?  

We have a 9 year old (Jack Russell/Kelpie cross) but he’s very much more kelpie and is black and white in colour and still extremely playful.   He’s recently developed a love for the tennis ball size rubber balls that can squeeze and when squeezed they squeak.  He goes absolutely nutso with them – it’s so funny.

Again, hope to hear back from you soon

Kind regards

Neil

[mandy6]

WN,

 I agree and this is a problem for me in real life as well as over the web. and I think this is one of the main reasons I find it hard to connect with people. I think this is at the root of most of my problems. because I wasn't able to connect with anyone when I was younger and so I was not able to make friends very easily. as a consequence i did not have any friends or anyone to talk to or who I trusted I was not able to release my stress and the problems built up for years and years until I decided to come onto this site.

Sometimes I feel that I want to run away too, but unlike you I understand that most places would be similar, however it would give me an opportunity to redefine myself, and to become a different person, I  would be able to start afresh and if I f***ed it up I could just move on again until I was able to get it right. this is probably just as childish a thought as yours but you know dreaming and imagining a better situation is not is it?

I don't think I will ever be able to accept myself but I have come to terms with this.

also once I begin to get too "close" to people, or they become a friend I begin to push them away as a means of protecting myself because how can they hurt you if they have nothing to hurt?

thanks for the help, I hope to hear back from you

[mandy6]

hey Neal,

 well i really like all sports except netball (which i hate, it even pains me to say the word) and AFL because the ball is a weird shape and it's really hard to kick.

My fave sport is probably badminton, and I like going to the gym as well.

I have an old Labrador and a jack russell, the lab is 13 and just wants to sleep all day, the jack russel is 3 and is so immature, he is always trying to get the lab to play with him.

i also have a pet rock which I forgot to mention, he is somewhere around 40000000 but I only adopted him 10 years ago. his exact birth date is unknown. sometimes he tells me stories about meeting napoleon and being there when Jesus was crucified. (Sarcastic tone) my point being why do you care/ why does it matter to you/ why do you think it's important to know what type of dogs I have?

also there are no other problems at home, I don't like my parents because they are generally unlikeable people, they haven't done anything ever. I think this is one of the main reasons why I don't like them because they don't ever do anything.

hope to hear back from you.

[Neil_1]

Hi Mandy

I hope this post doesn't become too long, it's just that I take an awfully long time to explain things.

You wrote:  "Why do I care?"   Mandy, you came here seeking advice, help with issues that you have regarding social anxiety and to learn how to approach and talk to others.  Over a fair number of posts backwards and forwards, you've learnt a lot about me (and others who have posted) and likewise, we've learnt about you also.

Learning means that we've given up information and likewise you've done the same - and from your very first post, I had flagged you with a CARE sticker (something in my head that I concoct).  I wrote back to you because I care about you.  You came here seeking advice and support and for that, I am trying to provide that to you with EVERY post that I reply to you.  Hence why I'm asking questions of you.  I'm trying to find things that are positive for you and that you feel ok in talking about.

I feel that if you can feel ok to talk about them here - to virtual strangers - virtual because we've never met, but on the other side of that coin, we know you well enough on here to care for you and support you, to try to understand and to offer good advice when we can.

But yeah if you can talk here, there might be some little trigger that might make you think, hey, he's/she's right - that IS an ok thing to talk about to someone else I know - and if that happens, well, I'd be over the moon for you, because to me, that would mean success as we've been able to break down something for you that was being an issue for you.

You wrote:  "Why does it matter to me?"  It matters a hell of a lot - I can go deeper here if you'd like, but I think I answered a great deal of that above.

You wrote:  "why is it important to know what type of dogs I have?"  Well, you mentioned that you enjoy playing with your dogs - I LOVE dogs myself and I really wanted to know what type of dog you had - with this, I was being nothing more than curious - just to know what kind of dogs you have.

I've got other things to mention about your post, but as you can see, I've taken up a lot of my word count just answering your questions, that I really felt needed to be addressed.

ps:  I'm sorry as well if I was coming across too full-on or whatever it might seem for you to ask those questions.

Kind regards

Neil

[white knight]

Hi Mandy,

Neil is right, the more you post, the more we get to know you. One of your last comments Mandy was about how your parents "dont do anything".  I interpret this in terms of achieving anything.

This is quite a revelation because it shows you have insight and quite a lot of intelligence. Because you know where improvements can be made in life.

Some families go generation after generation with the same issues remaining. To break the cycle is a hard thing to do but if its done then you will better yourself and if you have children you do not inflict them with whatever your own parents had in terms of habits and attitude etc. "Always move forward never backwards" is a saying a friend told me once.  There are so many other sayings and quotes around and when I'm feeling down/confused/negative....I search the internet to find quotes to raise my own mood. Its the best self medication of all- self motivation.

I love quotes from the Delai Lama or Churchill or my greatest guide in life Maharaji (Prem Rawat). Maharaji is on youtube and the one about the sunset is amazing. And "the perfect instrument" is like--wow!

We also have a dog. A miniature Fox terrier named Miss Rosie. She eats our food, sleeps at my feet under our doona and goes crazy if we dont take her everywhere we go.  She is something that will never hurt us with cruel words, no bullying, no ostracizing, no nastiness.  Just like your pet rock. Its hard to find good friends. My wife always says she only has one friend and she only needs one friend. She's right. One day you will find that one friend and you will be ok with them and open up maybe after that friend opens up to you.

In time I can see great things for you Mandy. You are a very good communicator and you know right from wrong.

[geoff]

dear Mandy I also find your post to very interesting as I have just caught up with it, but as I get up at 12.01am and go to bed early because of the mediation I have to take, I want to respond back to you tomorrow, sorry but as we get older and because of different medications we take for different illness's this happens to at least me.

Will speak to you tomorrow, sorry. Geoff. x

[mandy6]

Neal,

doesn't it feel odd caring about a complete stranger? Am I obliged to care about you as well? I am not trying to be rude just curious.

also as I have said, the only reason that I am able to write things on this site is because I don't know you and only have to tell you the things about me that I want you to know. the rest is kept hidden and secret and that's the way I like it but in the real life you can't keep things hidden as easily. my facial expression and body language alone reveal a lot about me, things that I don't want people to know because I fear that they'll jump to conclusions about me (their conclusions would probably be on the right track).

also is this not enough, coming to this site and talking to you about my problems? why should I have to talk to real people and make them worry. I know that I have a friend who is depressed and is open about it and people, including me, are more careful around her we don't want to upset her or do anything to make her problems worse. When she says things which are stupid or when she is being rude or annoying people just let it slide because "she is depressed" but I don't want this to happen to me, I don't want my problems to be an excuse for people to treat me differently, knowing that this is how some people react to situations makes me angry!!

You weren't coming across too full full on, I just didn't see the point but now I do. 

thanks hope to hear back.