Hi Mary D, I used to be as bad as you. I hated mirrors and didn't like hearing my voice. I avoided most social gatherings, and allowed my wife to go alone.
I was like this until I was 53. I was visiting my sister in Melbourne, and we got to talking about our childhood. By this stage my parents and my wife had died. My sister asked if I remembered being at my paternal grandparents for babysitting. I said no. She told me some things that my mothers had told her before she died.. As she related the story, the memories started to filter through my mind, and I began to remember.
I loved my grandmother and I knew she loved me. But, when I was there, at the age of 5 or 6, whenever there was a knock at the door, she would hurry my younger brother and me into a cupboard under the stairs and tell us to be very quiet. Today, I can see myself, holding my brothers hand, standing very quietly and happily.
I wondered why she did this, and being sure of her love I thought she must be doing it for me. The conclusion I came to, at that young age, was that there must be something wrong with my appearance and she was protecting me What I found out in my middle age, was that my grandmother was an alcoholic, and used prostitution as a way of paying for the grog. Any time a customer arrived, she had to hide the kids.
As I grew up, I forgot about the cupboard, but the cupboard didn't forget about me. I couldn't understand why I felt so safe in my bedroom, or why I discouraged visitors. I was tertiary educated and served the public in the medical field. But I would hide in my office, and reluctantly respond to customers who asked for me. That simple misunderstanding of a situation, almost ruined my life.
After the visit with my sister, and my awareness of the cupboard, I was able to take steps to begin recovery. I won't detail that journey, but I did eventually get over it, and began my re-entry into society
Hope this helps Xyadts
