So hard to work today but I'm not sick!! It's "just" anxiety!!

[Moonstruck]

Oh God it is so hard today. I work part time casual from home, so no-one to bounce things off or talk to. It's like trudging through deep heavy snow - I am doing a little bit at a time..I have put off starting the work over and over, saying to myself "You're not well today, it's OK to have a day off, or take it easy for a while" People do it for flu etc..all sorts of things! But I'm perfectly fine. I have no excuse.

My boss is quite elderly, very tiny staff, no one else to do my tasks, I have been long time ever reliable, high functioning "go to" person for him. Business is floundering. I have finally, finally recognised the incredible Stress, much more extra stress and expectations piled onto me and said next year will be my last one (if the business is still going ) It could wind up tomorrow...I wouldn't care!

but my sense of responsibility is so huge, I feel enormous guilt just slacking off more than I should lately. (I only get paid for hours I work but still feel guilt). No one knows the toll this work is taking, has taken on me. I had to go to Centrelink some years ago when I was very ill, physically as well as mentally......and they want us to work as many hours as possible, so I have been doing that and reporting earnings etc of course - all above board. They have no problem with my giving up work entirely if I have to, thank God, so I am not worried about hassles with them. It is "letting down" the boss.

I can't do it any more. I can't put on this front any more of being so capable, so professional, so reliable.

I don't enjoy one single minute of my job any more. I feel guilty about even posting this - instead of putting my mind, my jumbled overloaded stressed out mind to doing the work required of me. (it involves my personal input, not just copying data which I could do as I wouldn't have to "think" so much as I have to now, to do the work to my usual standard). I have family and personal problems that are much more important and find it impossible to switch off and concentrate on the work I have piling up to do.

How do people with severe anxiety and depression "take a day off" - they can't!! I look the same, I sound the same - I have to - because my job sometimes involves talking to people, either face to face or on the phone!!

does anyone have any advice to help me through today and the next few days......I feel buried under a sort of "mountain"........

[Starwolf]

Hi Mrs Moon,

Feeling overwhelmed, at the end of your tether is no good head space to linger in. You speak of "letting down" other people but I think you are letting yourself down. Your well being and peace of mind are the priority. No one can be expected to ignore those to make themselves available at all times, no matter how bad they feel within themselves. Mental health issues are medical conditions too, just like the flu. As such, they must be regarded and treated as such. The fact they affect the mind instead of the body doesn't make them less incapacitating. Suffering and distress are perceived with equal acuity, regardless of which part of you is affected. Stress and exhaustion, not an excuse ? I beg to differ.

Why not tell your employer there are pressing matters at home which make it impossible for you to focus on the job ?

Are you sure you are not falling into the people-pleasing trap ? Unrealistic expectations of ourselves leave us feeling we must meet everyone else's needs and erodes our ability to find peace and harmony.

Reading your post, I can't help feeling you are mercilessly flogging yourself along. Reliability on the work front is commendable but not if it comes at the expense of your well being. It matters as much as anyone else's.

Kudos to you for being aware of the need to stop. Perhaps taking the odd bad day off could be a wise place to start winding down. So please, take care of yourself and toss out unreasonable guilt. You deserve TLC and peace of mind just as much as anyone else. Even more so because living with mental/emotional ill health makes life much more difficult for you than it is for those who don't.

Why not give yourself the break you so much deserve ?

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Starwolf - I have read some answers you have to others on here and they've been wise, understanding and make so much sense, with intelligence and compassion.

Yes you are right of course...I have long been in the "people pleaser trap" as you put it - one of my biggest hurdles, in fact probably the biggest and at the root of just about all my despair and struggles to get through life.

My psych realised it early on, it's clear to see when you really know me. My older sister is the same, as was my mother who was afraid of disappointing, offending, or even being noticed by anyone in case she fell short in some way.

My people pleasing is not nearly as severe as that, but it's obvious to me where this "not good enough" ingrained sense of myself came from. Your words have given me the extra push I need to focus on my own self worth and "putting myself first"...a totally foreign concept to me.

As for work today, I have taken it slowly, little bit at a time and half gotten half way through the target I set for myself.....I do feel considerable relief that I have achieved this much - thanks again for your words of encouragement when I needed so much to be "heard" by someone.....xx

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words.

The reason why I hear you loud and clear is because I have traveled the "never good enough" road myself, courtesy of physical/emotional childhood abuse (and a list of further traumas which robbed me of inner power).

I too ran myself ragged caring for others, making sure everyone else was OK while putting my own needs on indefinite hold. It took a while, but I thankfully realized what I was doing and why. It took even longer to turn things around, step by step. Old brain patterns die hard but they eventually do, one small victory at a time.

When putting ourselves first is a foreign concept, it means we have become estranged from our selves, and also from others. Like all things left un-nurtured, our sense of self can slowly wither away. It is replaced by a "all is well, I can do this" mask. We go through Life robot like, just putting one foot in front of the other, keeping on. But we're humans, not robots. Sooner or later the self-created mechanism breaks down. Acting against what/who we really are is a major stressor. Pretense creates too much pressure. Freedom to be yourself is your birthright.

Perhaps time has come to do some serious soul searching. What is it you would REALLY like to do with the rest of your life ? What new experiences would you like to expose yourself to ? New ways of thinking/acting automatically renew the mind, gradually. A long but fascinating journey of self discovery. Re-connection.

Not only will you reap the rewards of taking good care of yourself but those around you will benefit too. A win win situation...

Kindest thoughts.