SLOWLY LOSING MYSELF

[GingerMegs]

I am beyond my breaking point and my nerves and anxiety and depression can't take it anymore, my partner doesn't understand me she always has high expectations of how the house should be cleaned I clean it up as much as I can within the time I can before going to bed and mind you I feed our kids clean them put them to bed she doesn't understand my mental health problem I have taken her to all my appointments yet she tells me oh you arnt on the lease your never clean you don't put things where there ment to go you don't do anything in this house she has always been like this 6 years of hell I'm only staying for my boy, my 2 step kids never listen to me, she always has high expectations of what should be done and if it gets late and it's not done she gets angry like what have you been doing all that crap yet I'm trying to get as much do as I can when I have to go to work the next day, it's very hard and emotional and physical mentally.

[geoff]

Hello GingerMegs, the conditions you are trying to live in don't appear to be good for you, as I keep saying 'kids are much happier in two r/lationships rather than one unhappy one, if there are continuous problems.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi GingerMegs

I feel for you so much as you manage to the best of your ability while experiencing anxiety and depression. If someone's never experienced the impact of these, they simply can't relate to how they can seriously mess with your energy levels. To be high functioning with low energy is just about impossible.

It wasn't until the last couple of years that I've come to re-identify myself. While I used to identify myself as 'Someone who's prone to depression', I now identify myself as 'a feeler'. I've found this to be far more constructive. I'll offer an example so you can see where I'm coming from and whether you can relate

• If I've got 4 significant things I need to do today and I can already feel the pressure involved in taking on this much, if someone says to me 'I need you to do this', I can feel that request or demand. I can feel what facing a 5th thing does to my nervous system. Then I can sense how it begins to mess with my internal dialogue, creating potentially depressing thoughts. Something such as 'No one understands how much I have to do. They just don't care about me' wouldn't be unusual. Constructively managing would involve me identifying the need to say 'No, simply can't do' or pulling one of the 5 things out, to do on another day or delegating the job to someone else. Healthy internal dialogue might sound like 'I know I'm a reliable person but I have to set boundaries so that people don't demand more of me than what I can mentally or physically give'.

I can easily feel who's depressing. I imagine you can too. It's kind of like radar. If you have a highly sensitive radar, you'll easily be able to sense who's on it at any time. Someone says 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' - ping. Someone says 'You're hopeless' - ping. 'Why can't you just be happy for a change' - ping. If you're surrounded by people like this, you can spend just about the whole day pinging.

It's only been within the last year or so that I've come to realise how depressing my husband can be. I used to think it was me, 'I'm just an easily depressed person'. Truth is, if you can easily sense a triggering person, that's not your fault, it's your ability. How we manage this ability is key. Not tolerating their depressing behaviour is a good start. Sometimes you gotta fight for who you need to be and what you deserve. Emotionally detaching from triggering people can work too on occasion. This way you can interact with them without feeling their impact 🙂

[Sophia16]

Hi,

Thank you for being open here. That sounds very difficult to deal with.

It seems as if your wife isn't understanding how you feel and so she is being hard on you. Your wife is probably tired as well so she gets angry at you because you are not getting her expectations.

Have you tried couples counselling? If not, it is a great way to have a third party listen to both sides of the relationship.

Stay safe and i am always here to chat.

[Spl spl]

Hi GingerMegs,

I'm really sorry to hear what you have been going through. That sounds incredibly difficult, and dealing with that amount of insensitivity would be very frustrating and exhausting for me too. No wonder you say you are past the breaking point. I'm sure me, and many other people would be feeling the exact same way in your shoes.

It sounds like you are given no real time to rest or relax at all. No real time to yourself. You need that. People need that in general. The demands and pressures of family life don't need to be handled such a high-stress manner. I feel that she doesn't need to get angry at all. I feel that's completely unnecessary, I feel its not sensitive to your situation, but I feel its not sensitive to anyone. At the end of the day, I feel its something that you and your family should not have to go through.

You say you stay for your boy (sorry I do not know your specific family circumstances) and that is very understandable. From your post I couldn't see your reason- but if its so he grows up with a mum and dad- that is also understandable. Considering you have step children, the family situation sounds like it may be a little complicated. If it's to keep custody of him, that is also understandable. Regardless of what bigger steps you take in the future, there is one step you can take right now.

I feel you need a break. I'm sorry if it looks impossible right now. Just from reading your post, I get the notion you desperately need to rest. I'm entirely serious. If you can stay with family for a weekend, take some time off, whatever you need. Please.

Love in relationships is important, especially between parent and child. Love helps children to grow, and you show that to your kids through your dedication. But, there is something more important than love that children need to know, in order to develop properly. Its peace. The absence of stress. The absence of fear lets children know its okay to relax and feel loved. Maybe you remember times when your own parents were relaxed, like if they had their friend over for a chat- those times are extremely important. It's what tells kids 'we're relaxed so you are safe, go have fun and explore'. That exploration develops the decision making process- making choices.

I'm betting that your kids are picking up on the stress in the house as well. They might be overwhelmed too, in a different way. They might not listen to you because they are not being brought up with peace around them- not quiet, but actual peace. Peace of mind to make choices and act.

[Petal22]

Hi GingerMegs,

Wellcome to our forums!

Im sorry this is happening.

Do you also work during the day? If you do I think your doing an amazing job to clean the kids and put them to bed aswell and clean the house.

Does your wife have employment outside of the house?

Maybe you could highlight to your wife all of the things that you do do……… and if it’s included making the family income.

Sometimes people become narrow minded and they need someone to bring things up to their attention.

Your mental health and well being is a lot more important than how clean the house is.

The house can wait, your mental health can’t…… if sleeping makes your mental health better then this needs to come before the house.

[jaz28]

Hi GingerMegs,

I am sorry you feel this way, especially with the struggle with your mental health. It can't be easy.

Your wife probably understands, she is just trying to deal with the stress of keeping a household together. I know you do as much as you can do, but when the responsibilities start to fall on one parent it can start to take its toll. Have you spoken to your wife about these feelings and asked what you can do to help (within your capacity)?

Another option is to see a couple's counsellor. They might be able to help the communication with your wife and help her to understand your mental health and how it impacts your ability to do tasks.

Showing each other gratitude for the things you DO do is excellent as well - maybe write each other a list of everything you're grateful for that the other person is/does.

I hope things improve,

jaz xx