Should I be ashamed I saw a psychologist for fear of being gay ? Do I need to tell future partners

[feelingalone1234]

Hi

I’m a 30 year old male from Sydney.

Following a long term relationship breakup, I went and saw a psychologist. Turns out I have HOCD, a fear of being gay directly linked to my childhood and trauma stemming from my dad and grandmother.

while I’m now over the breakup. And the HOCD. I’m fearful that if anyone found out I had HOCD they would not want to be with me. Do I have to tell future partners ?

[Croix]

Dear Feelingalone1234~
I can understand that having sexual orientation OCD would make you worry about future relationships however I guess there are two positive things to bear in mind.

Your post indicates that you have recovered from this condition. This is great. I’m afraid my form of anxiety is different so I am unable to say much other than in my case my condition has recurred over time, though it is basically kept under control. I would imagine anyone would be a little worried it might reoccur and have to make allowances for that.

Please don’t think I’m saying it will happen again, just that if I was in your position I’d worry about it.

I believe that if one wants to have a deep and ongoing relationship then trust and honesty by both persons is necessary, and having an anxiety related illness, if it should happen, is something that both persons have to deal with. When you are attracted to and care for another you want the best for them, to look after them and are entitled to expect the same in return.

When I found my current partner I was very clear from the start I had a mental illness that affected all sorts of things. I did not necessarily give a technical description straight away, that came later, but set out there were problems, I was accepted for what I was anyway.

I’d imagine it would be the same for most people. If they know there is a potential problem of any sort and care for the person concerned they will simply want to help and be understanding.

This is just my own view - what do you think?

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Feelingalone1234, and welcome to the forum.

OCD is a topic that has always been a topic of conversation, particularly about 'intrusive thoughts', but I can't remember whether HOCD has been discussed, as I also have OCD, however the principles are the same.

It's up to you whether you want to tell future partners of your HOCD, but no one knows exactly what type of rituals/habits I do, although there was one particular post I did say a couple of things I do, but generally no one knows because I don't tell them if I have to check the door lock 5 times, the light switch 4 times or whatever else I have to do, I keep it all to myself.

I'd like you to get back to us.

Geoff.

[stormcloudz]

Hi there

I don't think you need to feel ashamed of seeing a psychologist to work through your issues. It's a courageous and sensible thing to find a way of dealing with past traumas. Someone who understands themselves and has worked through their anxieties has a lot offer as a partner.

I am very sorry to hear that you experienced traumas that put you into such doubt and confusion.

Remember you are not alone - many people are carrying some sort of anxiety or trauma, and it is great that you are working on yours.

Do I personally think you need to tell a new partner? Well, not until it becomes relevant. If it's a casual date I'm sure they won't be spilling all their back history either ; )

If it affects your confidence in your sex life, you could give a simple explanation. Is that the case? Would you like our thoughts on that?

With someone who has the potential to be a serious, longterm partner I would encourage you to open up once you are comfortable with each other. You need a partner who understands and accepts you, and who you can freely share your life with. I don't think that someone would not want to be with you because you had HOCD. Remember we all have our own hurts and pains. I know you feel a lot of shame, but you don't need to. It's OK. I suspect many women would be very sympathetic to this condition.

I think your psychologist might be good at suggesting ways of talking to a partner. If you found your psychologist helpful, don't hesitate to go back and get some further advice when you get to areas in life where you feel uncertain. That doesn't mean the HOCD is back or you can't cope, it means that as we go through life, it's helpful to develop good strategies for dealing with things that worry us.

Good on you for managing to get some support and for thinking all this through.

You aren't alone here : )

[feelingalone1234]

Hi all,


Thanks for your response.


In relation to Croix response - my HOCD anxiety is now completely gone. My therapist helped me work out why it was I was undertaking checking behaviour. This consisted of voices in my head telling me I was gay/not gay, then I would look at men and see if I was sexually aroused. I never had any form of arousal but my therapist helped me work out that it was from comments made to me in my childhood that made me act like this. I don't think it will ever come back because I understand why it was happening. I am just worried that I will have to tell future partners about it and I don't really about it. This thought keeps me up all night and I have nightmares all night and I am very anxious about anyone finding out.


In relation to geoff response - Yes - that is exactly what it is. unwanted intrusive thoughts. Also funny, I also talked to the therapist about checking the lights, heater, stove etc 10 times before i could leave the house. As well as anxiety of running someone over while driving and having to go back and check. But none of these anxiety symptoms bother me as much the HOCD and the fear of someone finding out. I kind of wish I never went to the psychologist because the fear now stems from someone finding out I had unwanted thoughts about being gay.


in relation to stormcloudz comment - thanks. But why do I need to tell someone I had HOCD? Why is it anyone else business if it is now gone?




I just want to be able to sleep again without worrying about someone finding out I had HOCD. it is really bothering me to the point where I have a lot of anxiety especially at night. I wish i didn't go and see the psych now but hindsight is a wonderful thing. How do i move on with my life without crippling anxiety 😞

[stormcloudz]

Hi there feelingalone

I'm sorry we missed your last post. Are you still there and do you want to talk?

I don't think you made a mistake by going to the psych, as they helped you work through some issues. And if it freaks you out, you can hold off on talking to others about the HOCD.

But please be reassured, what seems like a shameful secret thing to you, will not be so bad to others.

[Alexlisa]

Hello feelingalone.

I just wanted to write that you should not be at all ashamed, actually you are incredibly brave for speaking to the psychologist and for messaging here. I have OCD and I struggle with shame related to some of the thoughts I have. It can be so hard to talk to people about it because of that fear that other people won't understand and will think that you're a bad person.

It is really up to you if/when you tell anyone about the HOCD. I have a friend who struggles with HOCD and recently she told her partner about it. It went well and I think she felt relieved not having to work so hard to hide it from him. He is a great guy with his own experiences of mental illness, so I think that helped a lot.

Maybe you will one day feel ready to share, or not. It's OK either way.

Take care,

Alexlisa x