Sense of Impending Doom

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone.

I have been really struggling today, and I thought writing here might help.

What I am about to describe may sound weird, but it is a true feeling for me. I wondered if anyone else reading has experience of it?

Every now and then, I get this terrible sense of impending doom.

Like, everything, everything, is about to go horribly wrong.

I have realised that I have been having these feelings semi-frequently for the last few years.

A few years ago I experienced an intense trauma in my life, and I'm wondering now if there are triggers, like little, tiny things, that possibly happened before the trauma, that I am not necessarily conscious of, that again happen now, in my life, and set me off on this spiral of doom.

This morning, the feeling of impending doom had me thinking that the police were likely to turn up at my door and take me to prison.

My life is good.

I am safe.

In my house.

Consistently not committing crimes.

And yet ... occasionally this feeling that the world is conspiring against me and everything good is about to implode just takes over.

I understand that it's irrational, but there's something that sends me in a spiral, and anything simple can bring me back up that spiral as well, like a text from a friend, or something tiny like that. It brings me back to safety.

I just wanted to put this out there in case anyone else feels this way. I want you to know that you're not alone, and I thought I might feel some relief voicing this in a safe space.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, just kind of wanted a place to talk about it, not just for me but for anyone who experiences this.

I feel so vulnerable.

I mentioned something similar to my dad once and he said it's because I have a guilty conscience.

🌻birdy

[Moonstruck]

Dear Birdy...I just saw this post of yours...I wanted to tell you if it's not too late, that I can relate totally to what you say. Just wanted to let you know as others have, that you are definitely not alone in this.

For years I seemed to have a huge neon sign on my forehead saying 'Not Good Enough".....it was there for such a long time...if you look closely you can still see bits of it left.....

you have been a great support and showed me kindness and wise words when I needed them...you are a lovely person and I am so glad you are my friend. love you.....xx

[startingnew]

Hello sweet Birdy


Im feeling all your emotions and confusion all in one post. Please never think your wasting space, clogging up the system or feel guilty for expressing how your feeling or needing support . You are far from a waste of space, im very glad to have met you and to be getting to know you better xox
you have absolutely nothing to apologise for! I can very much relate to your post, im not sure how much of my story you know but I have a rather difficult family to contend with, one that doesnt acknowledge my achievements but will do anything to point out my mistakes. Our family while they are suppose to love and support us no matter what, can also cause the most harm too.


I hope its ok that I put this view across to see if perhaps it might resonate with you too. When you said 'why does one persons judgment overshadow other positives' it struck a nerve (not through you just like a lightbulb moment) Something ive noticed ive always done and still continue to do is to see that approval others, esp from my mother. It can be a heavy weight in itself let alone having life pressures. Its almost like every time our family member says something we expect something bad and even if we think we are prepared for that it never hurts any less. I am not sure how to let go of that approval, stop seeking that approval and to let go of the thoughts surrounding that yet but I just thought id meantion it in hopes that maybe itll help you to feel a little less alone in what you might be feeling right now.


You are enough.


Sending love, hugs and a hand to hold
xoxoxo

[Tess2]

Hi Birdy,

there is a lot of wisdom in AAMilnes books about Pooh and Christopher Robin. I love them and re read them every year or so.

tess

[startingnew]

hi dear Birdy

just popping in to let you know im thinking of you and to check to see how your going?

🌻💚💜💛❤🦋

[Birdy77]

Hello everyone 😊

Thank you very much for all your support.

I have not been doing too well lately. My go-to coping-mechanism has been "pour me a drink" ... which of course doesn't solve anything, just puts my troubles to the background temporarily, only to have them staring me in the face the next day (along with a generous dose of self-loathing).

I really appreciate your very supportive posts. You all are fighting your own battles & to take time out of your days to reach out to me means a lot.

Tess, I agree with you, there is great wisdom in the tales of Christopher Robin & pals. There's even that book Tao of Pooh, I haven't read it, but I can understand how such a philosophy could be illustrated with examples of the characters who live at Pooh Corner. I also re-read the books every year or so (tiddly-pom).

Moon, thanks so much for your understanding & empathy. I often relate to the things you write about yourself. Feeling not good enough creates such a negative cycle. I find it exhausting & depressing.

SN, a lot of what you wrote I can relate to. For the longest time I sought dad's approval. It wasn't until I turned 30 that something clicked & I thought, this is my life, I don't need your approval. It was liberating.

And here we are, a decade later ... my recent issue with him is not so much about seeking his approval i don't think, but he has said some downright mean things to me over the last couple of years. For some reason they just stick in my head & play over & over. Even though his "opinion" is not something I consciously hold in high regard ... but his cruel words echo, echo,echo....

It's no doubt to do with the fact that my life was turned upside down several years ago, my family is broken beyond repair & in lots of ways I feel a lot more sensitive to his mean ways.

I hope you are able to gradually release the need to seek that approval you crave. We seek it because it was withheld from us as little children. How meanspirited of them.

Pepper, as always, your support means so much to me. Thank you for all your loving words & understanding.

Impending doom: I was in such a bad way a couple of weeks ago, I was in my front garden & directly across the road a police car pulled up. I was convinced they were coming for me. To tell me something dreadful, or something worse. They were just pulling someone over. Of course then I'm like: I need a wine right now! & the cycle continues ...

Writing here and rereading this thread is helping me.

🌻birdy xo

[Peppermintbach]

Dear beautiful friend (waves to all),

I know you’ve been struggling for some time, so I’ll start with a comforting hug for some warmth and encouragement...you know we all care so deeply about you...

As you already know, I can relate and empathise with how you “self medicate” (so to speak) with alcohol. It’s true that it only gives us immediate, short-lived relief...it’s neither a strategy nor a solution, but it offers temporary relief. The thing is I think when we feel desperate enough, the promise of instant relief (despite all the consequences and drawbacks) can be very appealing...

Your 30th sounds like it was a truly significant year for you. To be able to shed the need for your father’s approval must have been quite the occasion...well done and congratulations 🙂 That makes me smile and feel proud of you...

Sigh, I suppose there’s that saying about sticks and stones, so even if he no longer has the hold he once had on you, certain cruel words can linger for many years. That combined with your trauma from several years ago, of course it can heighten a person’s sensitivity/reactivity and or re-open old emotional words...

I wonder if it would help to try to do as you suggested to SN and observe those cruel words (from your dad), and try not to associate too much emotion with them. As in try to remove the “power” from his words by observing rather than feeling. Probably infinitely easier in theory than in practice though....but perhaps something to think about...

Your anxiety and fears combined with alcohol sounds very exhausting. A cycle that kind of feeds and perpetuates itself...it must be awful to feel so unsettled and easily startled...I feel for you, my friend...

I’m glad writing and reading back is helping. I know sometimes you don’t feel like sharing and/or struggle to find the words (which is absolutely okay of course), but just know if you ever need/want to talk, many hands of friendship are extended to you here 🙂 Open palms...

My blessings and much love,

Pepper xoxox

[Moonstruck]

Birdy....I understand completely about the alcohol situation......

I had to give up (Drs orders) about...nearly 6 years ago...it left me with physical damage that could, a few times, have resulted in death. You'd never know it to look at me....but I came close....I am at the top of that slippery slope again...and that desire for "temporary instant relief" is proving too great for me....I admit, and this is the first time to anyone, on here or elsewhere...that I have succumbed to it, in a miniscule way that blood tests don't seem to show up to my GP....(yet)...but I know.

I have consumed a tiny bit only.....only a few times when desperate. I don't know what this will lead to for me....I only know that as far as relieving anxiety goes......it works! It might kill me...nearly did before....but it bloody works!! God help us.

[startingnew]

Hello dear Birdy


im sorry youve been having such a rough time too. Would you like to talk about what is happening for you? Maybe we can help with some suggestions on how to cope or even just listening ears?


Wow, your click moment sounds really relieveing and inspiring too, I hope one day that might happen for me too. Im so sorry your life was turned upside down, its really hard isnt it esp when we are helpless to change those circumstances. Your a really beautiful person Birdy, I can see it and I know many others can see it too, those cruel words from your father im sure arent 'you' but rather it shows what sort of person he is. Yes your right that craving does come from the lack of it in our childhoods.


Please forgive me but ive forgotten if you have some supports offline too like a psychologist and supportive gp? You really do deserve some good supports and those you trust so you can talk to them too even though I know it can be quite difficult at times.


Sending much love hugs and butterfly wishes
xoxoxoxoxoxo

🦋❤🌻🌈

[Tess2]

Dear Birdy,

what a lot of personal insight you show. I am sure lots of people will understand the alcohol stuff. I do that, have done it too much at times and am trying to be a moderate now. Part of the problem for me, is that I really like good wine.

the feeling of impending doom is awful, for me it is part of being very anxious, when my anxiety is lowered I don’t get this, so I try to manage the anxiety. I never used to be an anxious person , this has only developed over the last couple of years. It is awful.

Dont try to ta Kyle too much at once. I am sorry your family situation is so stressful. Of course your fathers words hurt and stick in your mind, hurtful things do especially if from a parent or a child. Parents are supposed to be the ones who give unconditional support and love. Take care

tess

[Birdy77]

Hello Everyone 😊

Thank you so much for all your support and care. It takes me a while to get back here it seems, but it doesn't mean I don't completely appreciate your support. It means a lot.

I must admit, it makes me feel better knowing that wonderful people such as Pepper, Moon and Tess can relate to my issues with having a very close friendship with the alcohol.

Thank you each so much for sharing and for understanding. Pepper, I know you can relate, and Tess, I am glad you've become a "moderate" ... I too enjoy wine (notice I removed the adjective as I'm no connoisseur).

Moon, what you described happened to you is what I dread, and if I had the courage to go to the doctor for whatever tests, they'd probably tell me the same thing! Maybe, I don't know. But I can't even face knowing. Pathetic. I am sorry you've been having such a time of it, but I can totally understand you slipping back, because it does relieve the anxiety and the pain. Thank you so much for sharing.

SN, thank you for your lovely words, I too hope that you will have that click- moment with your mother.

I'm doing quite well this week, and apart from I think Sunday, I've been a bit more disciplined with the booze, and my anxiety has been pretty ok. I had a wine with dinner last night and that's all, and that made me feel as pure as the driven snow. Please observe my halo.

So today I had a calm day, I did some work in my veggie patch this morning and I walked on the beach.

I came home after doing some things out and about to find an email from a name I didn't recognise. The subject was: AVO

My heart started racing and then plunged to the earth. I couldn't comprehend what was about to happen.

My mind had raced to the obvious conclusion that someone was taking an AVO out against me and I was being served via email.

I'm a pretty non-violent sort of girl. I assist worms across the footpath, that sort of thing.

So, like: What The Heck?

I braced myself and opened the email and it was from a plant supplier that I had contacted about an avocado tree I had purchased from them.

What is wrong with me???!!!

🌻birdy xo