Returning to work during a breakdown. What do I do?

[Adrienne87]

Hi all, I’ve never written here before but I really needed a boost of courage. I am 31 years old and I’ve always been an anxious person but never let it stop me from travelling the world.


However 2 years ago I suffered a shoulder injury at my work and the stress started to slowly pile on me. I started workcover and experience a really horrible time on it due to bullying by my first rehab provider. I ended up having to take another job within my company due to the injury(leaving the role I loved), which came with a truck load of more responsibilities and pressure - as well as work place bullying and a negative environment. I went to my manager about everything above several times and it was just brushed off.


Fast forward to July this year and I had my first panic attack at work. I ran out of there as fast as I could and since that day, I woke up everyday with a racing heart (that’s if I could sleep), sweating hands and feet and racing thoughts.
I attempted to keep up with the work and worked from home but work kept piling more pressure on me until my body finally said enough!


I’ve been off work since September and since then I checked myself into a facility(1 day I lasted there), I have tried anti depressants which I reacted badly too, tried various ones and no medications sit well with me. I have started seeing a psychologist weekly who is doing EMDR therapy on me.


Everything was coming a long nicely with EMDR (physical symptoms had gone), until Wednesday when i was contacted by a return to work rehab provider who wanted to talk to me about getting back into some level of work.


And of course.. I have had a huge set back- my mind doesn’t stop racing about going back to my job and I can barely move from room to room. I’ve barely gotten through each day.


I feel my poor family and husband must be sick of my crying everyday and hearing the same thing over and over each day. I’m usually a really happy go lucky kind of girl but I’ve completely lost myself.


I have a mortgage and I’m the bread winner between myself and my husband (he is an apprentice) so I’m terrified to quit my job but I can’t see any other option of moving forward. I’m also not in the right head space at the moment to take on a different job. I’m terrified! I never dreamed I would be in this situation.


I’d love to hear from anyway how has left there job and recovered or just and words of advice.


Thank you!

[smallwolf]

Adrienne87,

Hi and welcome to beyond blue. I probably do not have any real words of advice but I am listening. I can only relate part of my story to you and hopefully you might find something in there...

I was given time of work for stress leave. It was about 5 weeks when I was considered to be suicidal. During that time I was seeing both a psychiatrist and psychologist. The psychiatrist spoke to me about a gradual return to work. Start with 1/2 day and when I was comfortable with that, increase to 1 day. And when I was happy with that, increase to 1.5 days. Basically 1/2 day increments. Today I work 4 days out of 5. I won't lie and everything is peachy, because during my work days, I am still on edge. The other change I made was a change of roles in the work I was doing.

Outside of people in my workplace, everyone told me I should resign. My parents even said that while you are trying to get healthy you could even work somewhere like Coles or Bunnings as a way of getting back into work. Basically some role that is the not as stressful as your current/previous job. I am somewhat lucky I did not have to do that, but remains an option.

There are some other things in your post that we could talk about another time in relation to (un-)certainty vs "safety", and taking a leap into the unknown. You mentioned the problem with your job and being scared to take on a different job. This was something I had to deal with when talking with my psychologist.

The only bit of advice I do have was something from my wife, who really did not know much about anxiety or depression when my journey started, and I was frustrated (for a number of reasons) and she said "not to over-analyse things, and just go for the ride". I am guessing your husband is supportive; and if you can share your feeling with him. He might even if able to help you with that return to work.

And for what it was worth, I was terrified when I started the gradual return to work.

Tim

[Adrienne87]

Thanks so much for sharing your story. That’s exactly what my family has said - go to coles or try go on Centrelink while I recover.

Problem is my body is still so sensitised that even going out some days sends me in a spiral. and whenever someone contacts me from work, that’s a few days backswards for me.

My mind never stops racing abut the should or shouldn’t I. I wish it would.

I just hope that things can get better one day. I really am scared at times that this is my new normal.