Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[CMF]

Just a reminder there is no right or wrong path. You will still eventually end up exactly where you are meant to be., it will just be a different journey. 

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

You sound a lot better, I'm glad.

Yes the anxiety is draining because I can't tune out from other people, my radar is always on and thats what drains me, same thing I guess. I didn't see both of my kids but at least I got to spend the day with my daughter which was really special, she has helped me more than she knows, she knows what I'm going through and sends me really positive texts that put a smile on my face and force me to see all the good things I have to be happy about.

As far as the rest of my family is concerned, no, most of them don't know, well they know I see a doctor but they don't know how bad it is for me at the moment, Like I said in my first couple of posts I feel like I'm in a void, I mentioned a fork in the road previously but it's more like a big black void.

you said you were in limbo which I guess is pretty much a similar thing to me but you say you know why, do you mind if I ask why ?

 I wish I could articulate how I'm feeling, I don't know what I'm feeling, I'm having really bad dreams, thats when I actually get sleep, I lay in bed to rest my body but my mind is always on.

I'm an Aries by the way.

I hope I end up were I'm meant to be real soon because I'm running out of energy, I just tired of it, how can I be a healer if I can't even help myself ?

OK, on a positive note i think I know what I have to do and thats start meditating, just have to find the motivation.

Bye for now CMF,  I wish I knew your name.

James.

[CMF]

Hey James,

Yeah I feel a little better just tired. my little one likes to sleep in my bed middle of the night.  she so gorgeous but I don't get to sleep properly.

Sound like you have a beautiful daughter, how lucky. have you ever told her how much she has helped you, maybe a special gift? I hope my kids are liekt hat when they get older. how old are your children?

The fork can sometimes become a void because we can't think clearly so we cant see our choices or make decisions.  our minds are taken over by the depression/anxiety, no room for much else.

If you can't articulate what you're feeling just write whats in your mind, no matter how it sounds and don't worry how it comes across. we will understand.  Do you like to write in general.  when my heads going to explode I write it all down no matter how it comes out  often i look over it at a later stage and when im ready I throw it away.  that way I transferred my thoughts from my mind to paper, so I clear space in my mind. when i throw it out, its gone.  it works, you should try it.

Aries hey, so is my little girl.

You WILL end up where you are meant to be, unfortunately we don't know how long it will take or what the journey will be like. I think we go through the struggles on the way so that when we get there we appreciate where we are and we realise how right it is.

You ask how you can be a healer, its because you connect on a different level, even if you don't feel so good and that makes a difference to people.

Question what do you think of negative energies coming from objects, places etc? I hesitate to buy from op shops anymore.

Did you manage to get hold of inositol?

I will send another post with my limbos, this ones getting a little long

CMF

[CMF]

It's strange how the radar is on when we have anxiety. We feel trapped, yes in our own bodies but everything is magnetised, every sound is louder, every movement a struggle, we're paralysed, our heart will beat out of our chest. We need to run, away from people away from IT.

the void is the depression, it's places a big black blanket over your life so you can't see it, it's stops you caring but you know it's all still there under the black blanket. 

The lack of sleep makes it 1000 times worse, definitely get some inositol. 

Sorry this post is a bit random but you got me thinking. 

Re the writing I've seen a tip on these forums about writing a letter to your anxiety/ depression. Tell IT how you feel, how IT makes you feel. 

[CMF]

Hi again James

ok so why am I in limbo? I have choices to make which will/may affect my overall happiness. I'm sitting tight at the moment, not making a firm decision and therefore nit moving forward in my life. I'm in nowhere land. 

I have a nice house with a HUGE mortgage. When my ex husband and I separated he came up with a settlement so the kids and I could stay in the house, their home. I probably didn't think it through very well. I had so much anxiety. I had to pay him out. Basically I live down to the last cent every week, we never go away or doing anything fun. I've thought of selling and buying something cheaper but I don't want to lose the conveniences I have and don't think I could handle the stress of it all. I was really hit on the idea a few months ago but so etching happened which plunged me back into depression so I've stopped. 

I don't know what to do. Do I sell and hope that we'll be happy somewhere else? Reduce or get rid of the mortgage so we can live a little. I'm a little scared of the change and not up for it. So I stay here financially doing it tough. I can't decide I don't know what the future holds it how ill end up financially. I live day by day no plans for the future or even for the coming weekend. I think about it all over and over but don't know what to do either way. 

Thats one. My post may be getting too long. Will tell next one next time. 

[CMF]

I have a beautiful daughter with a man who accused me of cheating. Our relationship turned so awful, why did I even stay...guess it was my path. He is a great person, very giving, I dont know why it all happened. After I finally try and walk away I find I'm pregnant. He freaked out. He and his mother hurt me so much my whole pregnancy with things they said and how he treated me. 

I can't forgive them. I could move past it all and be part of the family but not in a relationship but I cannot forget how they made me feel. I get anxiety if I go to their house, I rarely go there, he comes over and helps out when he can but sometimes it makes me so sad, all that happened. 

So I'm stuck, do I forgive and try and be happy, part of the family or do I keep my distance still?i feel guilty not taking  my daughter to see them but I can't stand his mother. I don't trust her. I don't know which path to take.  It's makes anxious and depressed so I put the big black blanket over it...

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF 

I have read you posts and will get back to you tonight, however I'm not sure if it will appear tonight.

I hope you'e doing well.

James. 

[CMF]

Hi,

No worries,

they are my 'limboes'. I cant make decisions on either because im worried I wont be happy so I just stay as i am.  i dont know which would make me happier.

cmf

[qazi]

hi friends,

my name is jimmy i am woking as a chefs for last 7 years its stressful job when i wake up in the morning i feel really bad and worried about my life feeling sad all the morning 

what should i do its getting worst 

thanks

[CMF]

Hi Jimmy,

Sorry to hear this. i suggest you start a new thread that is your own and tell us more.  More people will see it and respond.

CMF