Prisoner in my own body

[Hopefull_]

Hey 

First of all let me introduce myself, my name is James and I guess i've hit rock bottom, it's why I'm here *I don't mean to sound all dramatic* But I have been suffering with anxiety and depression for over 30 years, depression on and off but anxiety is pretty much constant. Lately I have become very depressed, at lot more than usual and I can't seem to get motivated to do the things that I used to enjoy, even with the anxiety I did things like art, cooking, gardening, I used to keep my place immaculate as it helped with my anxiety, it was my constant, very important to me but now I've let it go. It feels like I'm losing myself as if Im being swallowed up by some terrible void. 

The reason I say I'm a prisoner I'm my own body is because I feel I'm not capable of getting back to a place that wasn't perfect but *doable* I feel very lost in this void, even around family, I feel as if i'm drifting away a little more every day and it hurts like hell. so, I guess I'm not typing I'm yelling in the hope that someone will hear me.

Enough for now.

James. 

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking, This is what I have realised and it's taken me ten years to realise it, I'm done, I've wasted way way too much time living in the past. Fact : I cant change the past. I can take certain things from it but I can't change it so I refuse to spend any more time being a prisoner of my past.

Today is nearly over and I will never get it back, what did I do ? Not what I wanted to do. tomorrow is another day and I could choose to spend it living in the past or I could try to make all the things I want to do that I feel will make my life better and start to turn my focus onto those things instead of something I can't change, the past.

I've read all you're posts and if you read through them yourself again the answer to all your questions is in them. Don't waste another day hating, forgive and more on and enjoy what you really want.

I'm done being a prisoner of my past, I've found the keys and I'm letting myself out of the past so I can make a new life, the life I always wanted.

I just thought of this and it will sound kinda corny but I just had a great meal, I could of left it on the table for days even weeks but it would go bad and then I wouldn't be able to eat it, it would just stink up the place......I could just leave there or simply throw it in the bin. I guess I'm trying to make a point, live in the now, don't put up with the stench.

James 🙂

[CMF]

Hi James,

WOW, good on you, i', so happy you've seen this.

You're 100% right...but I can't do it.  I think the black blanket is so soaked with my tears I cant lift it.

Anyway todays a bad day for me but I'm so glad you posted.  sounds like youre no longer at the fork in the road, you're following a path and you have an idea where it will lead, what you want to do, you have a DIRECTION!

I wish I could pick up the rubbish and throw it in the bin but the stench will always be there.  I can';t take the pain from my heart.

Hope today is a good day for YOU 🙂

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day, truth is so am I. You see my last post was me being a little too idealistic, I know it's not as easy as just throwing out the trash of the past an moving on, it's what I want to do and I'm trying so hard to let all the things in my past go but the problem is they all seem to want to come out at once and I feel like I'm going to explode.

I read my post and it upsets me deeply because like you, I know I'm a long way from finding the lock to use that damm key in !! But, I'll keep looking.

James. 

[CMF]

Hi James,

You know what, at least you tried.  Your idea is right, putting into motion is the hard part.  Ok so you're still at the fork.  you tried the key but it didn't fit the lock.  I always seem to have the wrong key.

What sort of things from your past? You know you CAN let them out here, no one is going to judge we're all here to listen and try and help.  All of us here have something.

So I you want to vent, go right ahead. I'm all ears.

Hope the day gets better.

P.S is that how you came up with your name 'blackbox'? Like the blackbox on an airplane, it contains all the info that caused the 'crash' its just a matter of  finding it and listening to sort through it all. 

CMF

[Jacko777]

Hi Folks,

I posted this in a thread the other day and wanted to share it with you...

I was lucky enough to hear Dr. Ian Gawler speak last night at a function. He was awesome and one of the things that is sticking for me at the moment is neuroplasticity, you have probably looked into this already. Ian had a metaphor that clicked with me...imagine a large rural farm, it has a well defined driveway from the gate to the house, it has a track from the house to the shed, other less defined tracks running to other sheds. On parts of the property barely noticeable tracks lead here and there, to patches of scrub and such. These tracks are like the pathways in our mind, we have well worn roads that we travel every day, without thinking. And we have tracks that we barely use and of course places we just don't go. So the challenge for me is to make some new pathways, head into new positive areas on new tracks, wear them in. And some negative pathways may need a Road Closed sign, fill them in, plant them over. It is easier to take the well worn negative road, it is well signposted but it is not in my best long term interest. Instead, I choose a new track, full of love and positivity and excitement, it will be challenging but I will choose to enjoy the journey, create new pathways. That is the theory anyway!

I practice keeping my attention on the present moment, I try to avoid living in the past or the future. Hang in there guys, make some new positive pathways, close off some negative pathways, a little bit each day. Love yas.

[CMF]

Hi Jacko,

Sounds good.  I think most/all of us that suffer anxiety/depression are thinkers, we think and think and think and overthink and think the wrong things and think 'what if' etc etc.

It interesting how the post that you have shared (thank you) involves us using our imagination, our minds.  I think (haha) its really good, seeing as our minds are causing us the problems so lets use our minds to try and alleviate what we are struggling with.

Thank you for sharing.

CMF

[CMF]

Hey James,

How are you travelling today?

You've found the keys but they don't fit the lock. Sounds like its not really the direction you should be choosing or trying then, you need to try another direction and I know that's damn hard especially when we don't feel like trying anything.

I can't even find the key, let alone the right lock.

Keep trying. Are you looking forward to the weekend?

CMF

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF and Jacko

I'm doing ok thanks for asking.

I hope you're doing well, I'll be back this evening, had a very busy day and now I'm off to work.

I actually am looking forward to the weekend so I must be improving because in the past it was just another day for me.

Thanks for sticking by me, you have no idea how much it means to me, I hope that docent sound all weird.

Talk soon.

James.

[CMF]

Hey not weird, don't stress 🙂

You've had a busy day, that's good.  Better than just lying in bed?

Looking forward to the weekend, even better.

I'm ok today. Its school holidays so I'm looking forward to a break from the morning rushing around that I have to do. There were things stressing me out yesterday  that I do not want to stress about today. The person who stressed me can go take a flying jump.  I know she'll be back but hopefully not today. 

 My little girl has just tapped something on my other daughters ipad and some funky music has come on so we're  bopping around.  The look on her face when the music came on was priceless - she didn't expect it.

Anyway I think I need some retail therapy so i'll catch you later.

CMF

[Hopefull_]

Hey CMF

I going to try to answer some of your questions.

Ok my past, lets just say I lost trust in people at a very young age, around 4 years old.

Yes I did come up with my user name because of that reason, you know I really wish I could talk to you in real time, I find it hard to converse like this but thems the rules hey.

Sounds like you're having fun with your daughters, cherish those times.

I'm guessing the person who is stressing you out is your ex's mother 

well, I hope you have a really good weekend, sorry I didn't answer all of your questions but I'm tired and need to sleep.

I pick up really good energy from you, you're a good person CMF you have so much to offer, so please try and rip a hole in that blanket, if just a small one so you can see the light that you so deserve, you really do deserve happiness, I wish it for you.

James.