Porn and cybersex addiction

[Shane46]

I have a porn and cybersex addiction. It has got to an extent that  it's  effecting my mental health and happiness. I fear  it is now  adversely impacting my relationship with my partner. I want to recover from the addiction and never go back again. I am looking for advice and help from others who have gone through this ordeal. 

[Sophie_M]

Hello Shane46, 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us. It takes a lot of courage to be this honest and vulnerable, so we know our community will get a lot from reading your story. 

It sounds like your mental health, happiness, and relationship mean a lot to you. Knowing that you want things to shift, so these areas of your life can improve is pivotal in itself! It's so important that as your awareness around your habits and behaviours grow, so does your self-compassion. 

Your addiction to porn and cybersex haven't come from nowhere, and they sound like they are meeting a need of yours. Whether that is distraction, a way to feel better, a sense of connection to yourself, or simply habit - addiction is something that needs to be held with curiosity. 

It could be really helpful to encourage yourself to sit with your thoughts and feelings, even for a moment, and journal what comes up for you. Are there any patterns? What are you actually needing in these moments? Is there another way to meet this need that feels more aligned to how you want to be behaving in the future?

If this feels too much to explore alone (and it's completely understandable if it is!), perhaps you could think about speaking with a psychologist who specialises in sexual health and addiction? Visiting your GP for a mental health care plan could be a very helpful next step. 

In the meantime, our community are always here for you and will be able to provide their care and guidance. Please don't hesitate to share any thoughts or reflections you might have, we would love to hear them!

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[therising]

Hi Shane46

I think what can start out as a bit of harmless pleasure can definitely take a turn when it starts to impact our life, our emotions, the way we think etc. Before we know it, our 'go to' form of pleasure (whether it involves food, porn, alcohol or something else) can become a habit and then an addiction.

Myself, my addiction is food based. While it sounds pretty innocent, this addiction's not good for my physical health in many ways. It can also interfere with my overall well being. For example, instead of developing or evolving in certain fulfilling and exciting ways that are initially going to be challenging to establish, it's easier just to go to the supermarket and get my 'high' or my dopamine fix. As that dopamine floods my brain, I couldn't be happier. Afterwards is a different story though, with all that self chastisement and the empty promises of change so as to deal with what can feel like a sense of shame at times and self disappointment. As a gal who's a reformed drinker, I went from one way of getting my emotional fixes to another way. Either way, addictions can partly be a form of emotional management. 'I want to feel some excitement. I want to feel a high. I want to feel relief. I want to feel a difference from how I experience the depressing or stressful or unfulfilling life I can't handle feeling'. As Sophie mentions, it can be about meeting a need. If excitement is lacking, if highs are lacking, if the super charges we can get in life through certain experiences are lacking, the addiction serves the need/s. Not sure whether any of that resonates in any way.

Sexually related stuff can provide super charges that can definitely be felt as highly emotional. If emotion can be defined as 'energy in motion', we can feel the build up or work up of what's in motion. This can help explain why sex can be incorporated into certain spiritual practices that can be about nothing more than experimenting with and 'feeling the energy together' (whether it be relaxed or exciting energy). Maybe this is something you and your partner could be interested in exploring, which could end up replacing your current way of feeling your highs. Becoming excited about seeing her, rather than what's on a screen could take the relationship to a whole new level.

[Cyan]

I understanding this situation from your partners side. I've done lots of research. I think ill follow your post and when I'm not so tired I'll comment again. 🙂 Admitting this is brilliant 👏 👌 Your ready to turn this around. Practice putting your phone, computer down and look at other small interests instead. Be aware and have a touch stone to be mindful sommto begin not going there over time. Spend time with your Mrs.