I have been out of work for four years. I'm in my 30s and spent most of
my life working retail. I'm late-diagnosed autistic, and have cptsd
which I was only diagnosed with over the past few years. I used to feel
trapped at my job and was in constant ...
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I have been out of work for four years. I'm in my 30s and spent most of
my life working retail. I'm late-diagnosed autistic, and have cptsd
which I was only diagnosed with over the past few years. I used to feel
trapped at my job and was in constant burnout, attempted suicide twice.
Since then I was lucky enough to be able to move cities and get some
space to take care of myself. I spent years working on my mental health,
healing trauma, and improving my ability to function. For the first
time, I had started feeling happy and wanting to live. My mental health
had literally never been better. I was with a regular job provider for
awhile, and changed to a disability provider. They have been great to
work with, but the job market is brutal right now. I wanted to not do
customer service anymore, and not too many hours to start with because I
get overwhelmed easily, with the possibility of increasing hours as I
adjusted. I've had a esat done and they put me in the 15-22 hours
bracket. I finally got a job doing hotel housekeeping. Yesterday was my
first day. I should have spoken up about how many hours I could manage,
especially since I have the esat, but I'm not good at speaking up for
myself or asserting my needs. I have a lot of job trauma and am falling
into old negative patterns. They added extra hours to my original
roster, so I have four days this week and five straight next week. I was
already feeling very anxious about that because I know even if it goes
well I'll probably be in chronic burnout by the end of that. I figured I
would talk it through with my job provider but my next appointment is
not until next week. I just want to talk the situation through with
someone and discuss my options, and I'm starting to really feel my lack
of support system - I have cut contact with most of my family, the two
friendships I managed to make here fizzled out, and I haven't been in
therapy for awhile (although I should probably prioritise getting back
in while this is ongoing). I feel isolated. The first day was okay
except I can't stay present when I'm in a new situation taking in so
much new information, so I ended the day completely dissociated. I
didn't seem to have access to my usual grounding and breathing
techniques. I just checked out. After getting home I cried for hours. I
managed to pull myself together and do some jouralling, processing,
yoga, cuddling my cat, using distractions. I made a plan to continually
check in and ground myself today, to not self-abandon. I got a goods
nights sleep. Today was awful though. The person training me today was
mean. No other way to put it. I started getting panicked and
overwhelmed, then making mistakes. I tried to slow myself down, told the
trainer that I was sorry, I know she was behind and I was slowing her
down, but that I was going to be slow for awhile, I needed to focus or I
would mess up. She didn't take that well. I ended up having a panic
attack and went home. Now I am panicking about going back tomorrow after
having a panic attack and crying at work. I'm so embarrassed - I know I
shouldn't be, but I am. In the past I would have done anything I needed
to get through a shift without showing too many cracks, until I could go
home and break down in private, but today I knew I needed to remove
myself from the situation. I'm happy I did that for myself, but I'm so
ashamed and even more stressed about tomorrow. My confidence has
evacuated, after feeling like I just couldn't keep up or get it right
today. I felt like I needed to talk to someone but there is nobody who
is safe so for now I am posting here, just to feel like I am seeking
some support. I hate existing under capitalism. I have been doing SO
WELL and it feels like this is setting my progress way back. I don't
know what to do.
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