Petrifed of Failing- again

[Guest_3712]

hey Guys,

I don't even know how to start. All I know is I am on the verge of a major panic attack and writing is somehow keeping me from falling off the precipice.

I should feel on top of the world- I haven't worked for 5 years after my termination following injury. Until now I haven't been fit enough mentally or physically. Anyway long story short I got a job finally this week after about 50 rejections. I am petrified.

I have zero confidence and my self esteem is rock bottom. Due to all the operations then drug issues I look like crap- have put on all this weight and look heaps older than my years( which is also old - 52).

I aced the interview because I used to be so good at my job I was able to relate to the criteria and expectations. I felt like I could do this again, but since the interview I have convinced myself I will fail. Even if I can somehow get it together mentally I am sure my body will betray me and physically I will not be able to do what is required.

I will not recover if this does not work out .The hardest  thing of these last 5 years has not been the physical pain, or the breakdowns and hospitalisations it has been the lack of purpose in my life. My reason for getting up in the morning. I was somebody. I was respected and top of my game at the time.

I lost more than my job when I was terminated. This loss was the trigger that reignited past memories that started my slide into hell. All of my adult life I had worked hard to prove a point, make a name for myself , be the best I could be.( None of which I knew till I started my psych sessions.)

I know this should help me not to go down that road again but so much of my depression and anxiety is fed by the fear of failure, of not being the best, not living up to this gigantic standard I have set myself - of others thinking bad of me.I am very insecure and constantly seek re-assurance from people. I have always put on a brave face and said I don't care what people think, but that's not true. It wounds me deeply if I am not perceived in a positive light.

Even now I am thinking people reading this are thinking, "What an idiot, or "She's crazy" and I almost want to delete but I have had to cancel my psych appointment to start this job on Monday and that is really setting off my panic signals. I don't think I can last that long without talking to someone.

[Neil_1]

Hi Stressless,

I'd be there with bells on if the opportunity could arise and, well, no I don't mean that.  But if you removed the bells, then I'd definitely be there.  Can't cope with bells jangling while someone is walking!  But hey, that's just me.

Brilliant post by the way Stressless, but a couple of pointers I want to raise with you.  A goodie and a not-so-goodie.  The goodie first:   where when you were interviewed and the lady more or less said you've got the job and you felt smug ... that is beautiful.  I loved reading that.  Stressless, that is such a positive thing;  you felt GOOD about yourself.  If you're feeling down, if you feel confidence is low, remember back to that interview ... and most of all, remember the interview result!

Ok, here we come with the rollercoaster or yo-yo effect, what goes up must come down, but this won't be all the way down ... you said you'll be scared and exposed as the fraud i am.  (Hey, how did I come into this?)  Ohhhhhh, that's right, you meant yourself!  I've gotta stop putting myself into the post!  Stressless, why are you a fraud.  That's not even a question and I don't want you to answer that.  You are not a fraud ... you're dealing with a chronic mental illness that zaps you everyday ... and like so many of us, you are on medications to quell the effects of this illness.  Now if you're going to say that you're a fraud for taking medications, etc and not telling anyone ... then blow me down, we ARE ALL frauds.  By the way, I think I've used that f word too many times in this last paragraph, but goodness, I hope I've made myself clear.  Ok???????  No more of that talk, please!

Just one question though with your meds - oh and top marks again for having your pain specialist appointment tomorrow - when you take them and it sounds like you have to take them at various times through each day, it's just a matter of popping a tablet and then you go on your way?  Do you have to take them with food or anything?  AND do you function ok afterwards, ie:  there's no drowsy side effects, or you won't start drooling on customers?  (sorry, I had gone almost a paragraph without being silly, so I had to add something in just then).  But Stressless, you get my meaning here?  As long as you can take them at the allotted times, you'll be ok, yes??

Ok, so we've just touched on the medication issue (they are medications, and not the word you use "drugs" - you are on prescribed medication for a chronic mental illness), and now onto the bending, standing bit ... I have no idea what the job is, it's not a shoe salesperson is it???   But it does sound like you're going to be on your feet a bit, yes?  Here I can't really say too much because of not knowing, but also, really how will you know yourself until you get in and try?  My advice would be to just pace yourself.  And if (IF) you feel under a little pressure physically, perhaps mention to your boss that you've got a little knee issue, nothing major, but perhaps something like that?   OMG, I've just created a big white lie for you ... the last person I did that for on this site, never wrote back to me OR ANYONE ... haven't heard from them since, so perhaps, just retract that last little bit hey?

Ok, my fingers are bit tired now ...

Positive thoughts all the way Stressless ... you WILL be great at this. 

Deep breathes, breathe easy and enjoy the next few days as best you can.

Kind regards

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Stressless,

Read some of this:

I aced the interview because I used to be so good at my job I was able to relate to the criteria and expectations (Stressless)

You are stressing now about things that probably won't happen. Maybe just try to focus on all the positive things that will happen once you start working. Structure in your day, purpose in your life, personal achievement, money! Don't worry about the other stuff, just let it go. It's not important (MaryG)

Dear stress less congratulations and well done, pulling off a job at 52 and getting back on the the horse. (Stephen123)

However, a new day dawns I put on the mask and for a while I can fake it, so who knows maybe one day I might make it. So if I may suggest you write that in the interview your old confidence came through. Make that recognition of your old self your mask on Monday and fake away till you make it. My thoughts will be with you (iamsotired)  - well I'm not, well maybe a little, but that was you know, the lovely 'iamsotired.  🙂

I know all the fears that confront yourself, but all I want you to do is to take a deep breathe and blow out all these fears, you aren't expected to do zillions at once, nor should you, there are probably files, budgets, rosters and future projections for this company as I would think your role is in management and please correct me, and if so then just take your time, and only think of the way you think, and not so much what the hierarchy expects. You were chosen because of your past history and please you can't think like this 'I will not recover if this does not work out' at the moment, because that's going into this job looking for the worse to happen, which it hasn't as of yet, ever though you start on Monday. Nerves will hit you, but this happens to everyone starting a new job, it always does and always will, so this is not any weakness from you by any means, and have your morning planned out, clothes to wear, make-up, and the hardest one, which shoes will I wear, oh boy, that's never ending. lol. (Geoff)

This is how I envisage your day on Monday will be.  And yes, you will be nervous leading up to it, but have in the back of (no, have in the FRONT of) your mind, that you've been there already - you've met some of the people in the area - you've won the job based on your outstanding ability in the interview.  You know the work, and you will do just fine. The first day is a day of kind of getting to know things anyway, where the key facilities are, toilets, kitchens, etc and in past jobs they've introduced people to the office clown (for some reason that used to be me, but alas, those days are over), so yeah, getting introduced to the different people - and it's always that little chat that happens each time;  but you'll get through that.  Just making the basic human small talk that we all so LOVE very much!  -  Um, no, not me;  but if required we can do it. (um, yours truly)

I so hope that this post (and the others who have written to you) has shown that you DO possess self confidence and you DO possess the ability to perform the job.  They simply would not have chosen you if they didn't believe it either, so they BELIEVE in you as well.  We've got so many people who believe in you and KNOW that you can do the job. (by someone who types far too much)

Reading your response I almost believe I can do it .You know I have allowed myself a little pat on the back because I got this job the old fashioned way. I was getting no- where applying on line so I took myself off with my resume in hand and basically went door to door. I was lucky this particular store was looking for staff, she liked the look of me and interviewed me immediately. She more or less told me I had it then. So yes I did feel a little smug about it. (Stressless)

Positive thoughts all the way Stressless ... you WILL be great at this. 

[geoff]

dear Stressless, OK it's now Monday, a bit of nerves, of course, don't all of starting a new job, people looking at me when I walk in, wondering what the hell this new employee will do, will she be nasty or can we get around her, and still have control, typical it happens all the time, not just this one day, but everytime a new boss or what ever level you are has got hidden in their brief case, those that run to the toilets as soon as arrive or those heavy weights, who pretend to control their mates, that's good, NO WORRY, it's a new day and I haven't the time on this first day to ever worry about them, because I will cope with them as it suits.

You have sorted out what clothes to wear, and yes those shoes, but by now you might change your mind, OK us guys know all about this, it's only usual, but you do this just to make yourself feel at ease, sorry, 'but I might as well paint the wall'.

Your medication will be sorted out in your handbag, you know it's there, but keep a spare lot in the boot of your car, if for some reason a pill falls out and you can't find it, so that's now covered as well, and do the same with phone numbers for the people you know for support and this includes your psych.

Can I suggest is to buy a $ 20 credit stick for your pc which you can use during your lunch break, and either post or just read some of the other posts that might calm your mind and to keep it in check.

Thankfully these days hats aren't used, sorry Neil and I are just having a bit of male fun, but like depression with your work just take everyday as it comes, in other words don't try and project 6 months ahead, each day is a new day, and the very best for this new journey. L Geoff. x

[Guest_3712]

Hi Geoff,

If you have seen my latest post you would know I was seriously toying with the idea of not going into my new job today.

I had the worst nights sleep and have been up since 4am.

My stomach was/is in knots, So I started the game of 'chance' or 'what if' game that I play when I can't decide what to do.

So first of all the coin toss- thanks lethal,  ok first one doesn't count. So best of three

Damn ! two heads. Ok too easy. I'll take my dog down the beach for her morning work and if I get three green  lights, then I'm definitely going !  "You've got to be kidding", I have never had a run of green lights.

You can see what I'm doing . By now my brain is like a washing machine stuck on spin cycle and I can't find the off switch. I test everything. "If the tide is high........"

"If that lady with the bulldog is there  ...................." , "If I can see more than two fishing boats........................" on and on till I walked straight into a hole in the sand and nearly went down. Oh great! "If I haven't broken my ankle then I will definitely go"

So I am now home, "If I can find my way home then..............", and after having my coffee I logged onto BB and thought alright last chance, "If any of my friends have sent me a message then..............."

Thanks Geoff . I can't believe how much your positive message has encouraged me to give it a go  and Neil too thanks for the "throwing my words back at me"

  Yes I have changed my  outfit three times, hairstyle twice and shoes well unfortunately they have to be sensible ( ugly) so no changes.

Extra makeup for those bags under my eyes, and two shots of mouth wash!

Neil I have packed my meds ( what I need) and Geoff locked some extras in car.

So what do you know? I am going to work . Feels like my first day at Big School!

Oh Crap- don't let me make a fool of myself please God!

Really wish I hadn't had pizza last night

stay safe everyone
Stressless.

P.s Anyone seen my car keys???

[Neil_1]

Stressless,  

I’m so proud of you and that is just so amazing!  I mean, getting three green lights in a row … really unbelievable!  🙂  

Ugly shoes?  Stressless, who really looks at people’s shoes?   Are you saying that people will look at what shoes I wear when I go to work?  I’m not being anything but silly here;  but ugly shoes, nice shoes … I think the key here is “Are they comfortable?”  

By the way Stressless, yours was a pretty funny post.  🙂   Got me smiling on a number of occasions.  Really good stuff.  

And to Geoff, brilliant suggestion of placing extra meds in the boot of the car … just in case.  Why didn’t I think of that?  

Day 1 Stressless and I know there’ll be a fair number of us thinking of you today.  You’ll go great and I can’t wait to hear how you felt you went.  This just could be the start of a new and positive chapter in your life.  

Kind regards  

 Neil

[Jo3]

Hi Stressless,

I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier but I have been reading your posts.  

I just want to say that I am so proud of you for going to work today - your first day!!!

Well done on organising yourself this morning.  You made me laugh when I read your post because that's exactly what I would have done too - change clothes, extra make up.

Seriously, good luck for today and by the time you get to read this you will probably have finished your first day at work.  I'm sure you had a great day.

Hope you can come back on here and tell us all about it.

Take care,

Jo

[Guest_3712]

Hi to all of my cheer squad,

Well first day down. OMG it felt good to be part of something again- besides doctors appointments, physio or anything health related- there is still another world out there.

I have become so self absorbed with all of my stuff I forgot the world was still spinning very nicely without me- who knows maybe I can still join in.

Ok so basically I found out it was pretty much like riding a bike. I hadn't forgotten everything, although I need to brush up on some of the formulas for stats etc . lot of things are now done by using an I pad - paper is out ( luckily I have had lots of recent practice typing ).

I dug deep and dusted off my people skills and sold up a storm! Highest sales for day! Staff seem nice ,my next in line is very personable and I think we will work well together. Apparently my immediate supervisor is a bit of a B.............. never mind so am I ( at times)

Like a lot of you said I am taking it slow and not a) looking to far ahead, b) not trying to be superwoman until at least next week, 3) be prepared for a drop in adrenaline . I know I am still fragile in both body and mind but for now I will enjoy( how long has it been) this feeling of being useful, somebody, belonging - in a positive way.

I couldn't have done it without all of you- your guidance, support and humour have really made a difference- thank -you

Please be kind to yourselves, chat soon

Stressless

[geoff]

dear Stressless, what's the cheeky saying, 'told you so', in all honesty this couldn't have haven't at a greater time, why do I say greater time, because you have been battling depression and also the pain that you have to carry with you.

I am just so pleased for you, and all those statistics, I used to love them at college, it was my favourite subject.

Well down and let us know how today goes.

Our dear friend Neil isn't too well at the moment and he has left a disturbing post on 'Tears', I'm sure he will reply but if he doesn't soon then please it's only because of this. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Stressless

I know you'll be at the grindstone ... nah, you'll be at work right now, but thought I'd just pop this off ... I need to have a little break for a while, so I did want to send this.

I can't tell you how pleased I was to read your post for how your day went.  I so wanted to write and ask yesterday arve/evening, but just couldn't.  It really filled my heart with joy to read that you got through, seemingly MORE than ok.  🙂  To top the sales on Day One ... lookout what happens in Week 3 !!  🙂

I couldn't be happier for you ... but as you've suggested, you've grabbed hold of the reins and taken control of your horse ... and aren't galloping ahead out of control.  Just take things day by day ... but continue on your way at a comfortable speed and I can see this being a tremendous positive for you in so many ways.

Just brilliant Stressless ... and keep on saying your name over and over,

Kind regards

Neil

[Jo3]

Hey Stressless

I read your post from yesterday and wanted to say to you - WELL DONE!!!

You achieved something very very special and important positive step.

You got the day and I hope today was even better than yesterday.  Even though you are still in a fragile mind and body - this is a positive step to a more healthier and happy mind and body and YOU.

Have a nice day tomorrow.

Jo