Paranoid anxiety

NotYetEffulgent · ‎09-05-2020

Hi there! I’m feeling really stuck right now and super stressed about the future. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but since the virus I keep having these intense moments of paranoia. I keep thinking that I hear voices behind me and get the feeling there’s someone behind me all the time. I keep thinking my phone is ringing even though it’s not. I even wake up in the night believing that it’s ringing. I’ve also been lashing out at people simply because I get the feeling their out to get me even when their not. I just can’t seem to trust anything or anyone. It’s almost as though life is just a fake hologram right now, things just don’t seem real. I could swear the walls in my room have shrunk 2 feet.

Since about November last year life has stagnated completely for me and my mind has been slowly drifting, falling into a spiral of procrastination and disassociation. I’m not sure what I can do to reconnect with reality again. This paranoid state I’m entering into is quite frightening. I’ve never been a violent person before, but these feelings are causing me to lash out in a way that I’m not proud of or comfortable with. I’m not sure how to bring myself under control during one of these paranoid anxiety attacks if we can call them that.

Is anyone else experiencing paranoid thoughts at this time? Or dealt with similar?

Sophie_M · ‎09-05-2020

Welcome to the forums, NotYetEffulgent.

We're so grateful that you have reached out to our community tonight, we know that it is not an easy thing to do and you have shown a lot of strength in sharing your story. We're also really sorry to hear of the difficult past few months that you have been through. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd recommend reaching out to our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. The website will be regularly updated with information, advice and strategies to help you manage your wellbeing and mental health during this time. You can also call our dedicated support line, staffed by mental health professionals, which is available 24/7 on 1800 512 348.

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

LexiJane · ‎12-05-2020

Hi NotYetEffulgent,

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. You are definitely not the only one, as I have definitely felt similar. Maybe you are a planner like me, and COVID threw you a curveball!

Last year, I left my job of 4.5 years, that I spent 4 of hating what I did. I though quitting would help alleviate any negative feelings I had about life, but I was wrong. I had/have a great life, a successful career, loving spouse, supportive family, and living in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. I quickly found a new job but those feelings of hate kept creeping back to the point where I had my first panic attack.

After my panic attack, I knew that I never wanted to feel that way again, and I went to a medical professional who allowed me to see things clearly.. and that was that I was just a bit unwell. I was 30 the first time I sought this help and it really helped me realise that your mind just needs a bit of extra help sometimes.. and it's just no fault of your own. He opened my eyes to the fact that I had workbased PTSD, and my job was office related - so bizarre when you first think of an office job creating PTSD!

Needless to say, I am so happy I reached out to a professional.. this is what they do! My life and outlook on work has drastically changed and COVID 19 is just another challenge to get over. We will all be stronger after.

Happy thoughts ❤️

LexiJane

NotYetEffulgent · ‎14-05-2020

Hi LexiJane,

Thanks for replying it’s nice to have someone reply. I think I used to be a planner, but so little happens in life these days and I think I just make it up as I go now.

Sorry to hear of your work related PTSD, but it’s great you’ve been able to understand it and make changes. I think my first job left me with PTSD. I worked as a bartender where I saw punch ups, sexual abuse, drugs etc.. I was also underpaid and denied meal breaks. The sound of bagpipes still causes me to clench and sweat years later plus I hate eating out. Wish help had been available to me then, but my GP at the time just told me to harden up.

Early last year I left my latest job to work towards becoming a specialist tutor alongside my mother who has been tutoring privately for many years. Getting up to speed has taken longer than expected and only now finding myself taking students this year. I had 4 students lined up to start first term, but only 1 ended up starting with me. I’m struggling to advertise my services. I know I’d be good at it, but starting is proving very difficult which has only been exacerbated by the virus. I suspect the last thing on parent’s minds right now is tutoring.

My mental health hasn’t been great ever since my ex left me two years ago. Given that it was a toxic relationship I should be happy it ended, but I still hold much guilt and loss of confidence over it. I saw physiologist after my breakup, but she didn’t really help much. Made a friend not long after that which really helped, but she ended up ghosting me a few months in and I have just slid from there.

I thought I would bounce back as person this year but the stresses of the virus have stolen that victory from me. I’ve been socially isolated for one and half years and it’s driven me cookoo. Now I gotta wait even longer for relief.

I have great parents who are supportive of me and I still have the basics for which I’m grateful, but they seem meaningless if I shan’t be able to make anything of the existence they afford me. I hope you’re right, I hope we’ll all be stronger.

Thanks,
NotYetEffulgent.