panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi girls,

Well my first night on hollidays i am so tired but i can't sleep. It just feels so strange being away from the house after 8 years.

the anxiety is mild. But i seem to be coping better than i thought. Can't wait to get home though.

well their is so much wold life here their is a river running behind the house mim and i watchdd the ducks swimming past all afternoon.  Then the frogs came out in the evening, such a beautiful sound they are just so majestic when they sing together.  

Karen ha, ha, i do the exact same thing with the phone i spent most of yesterday afternoon staring at the floor. To frightened to look at my family. Now Karen YOU ARE NOT PATHETC you have been through so much in your life none of us can imagine, please stop being so hard on yourself you are such a kind and compassionate person. I don't know how you can be this way. All of the abuse i have had over 8 years has filled me with so much hate. 

I think it is time you treated yourself to a hair cut and a pedicure. If only as a symbolic gesture of removeing your horrible past.

well take care girls. The sun has just come up so i might go look at the ducks. Get mu mind off of the panic attack i am having.

oh yes, Sparkles only 3 more sleeps;)

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi J

How awesome having your own river good excuse for spending some time alone. Grounding and enjoying the animals. I'm so proud of you J. Couple of posts on the previous page you may have missed.

There is no chance of hair cut or nails done when I'm unable to let anyone near me.

Mum says I shamed them by being unwell and that they would be better off if I wasn't around. So my days started off just great. Feel so loved and appreciated, cared for NOT. Just not wanted or belong anywhere.

Have to see the gp today then I'll go to the river anything not to be at mums. I'll be thinking of you. Hope you enjoy the sounds of the river to. Image the dark stuff floating down the river let it go.

Hate is a waste of energy, but if I showed emotion my husbands abuse would be worse. So I've learnt to have the mask on and no emotion. Just how it is after 24 years of abuse.

The most I've felt was when you told me you couldn't be at bb. So you had better be good.

J be proud you are doing a magnificent job facing so many fears. Such an unbelievable effort you are so brave. You have achieved so much.

Take care

Karen

[angelite]

Hi Sparkles

Hope you are feeling a bit brighter. You must have so much to do, try and work through it a bit at a time so you don't become so overwhelmed. 

How many times have you moved.

Do you have somewhere to stay.

Maybe a job.

I wish I had your strength. Thinking of you

What are you going to do to be kind to yourself.

Karen

[angelite]

Hope your Dr appointment went ok sparkles.

J thinking of you take care guys

[Sparkles183]

Hi j, and karen

Well, today and last night was not good the move is very anxiety provoking,I don't know how I move all the time either I guess I get board in just one place and have to move but this is the biggest move I done as I have a lot more stuff this time before I use to live out of two large backpacks and no furniture now I have a whole house full of stuff I have to pack down to 2 backpacks, a lot of the stuff is going in storage the rest is going to charity. But I don't think I could ever live with my family again a week with my mum is enough. 

anyway I am sleeping under the christmas tree on Christmas Eve night and my plan is for Santa to trip over me then I can catch him, and get all the presents from his magic sack, and j don't you know for those of us who have not got a chimney he goes through the window so I am safe he is still going to come....and I am going to catch him I was also thinking we need a family photo with Santa...

so the nice thing I did for myself today is I went and had a coffee and donut with my friend  and we walked around the lake and we looked at the ducks , pelicans, calves , sheep, and chooks it was a nice walk as you can imagine so that was the highlight of my day what was the highlight of your day..?

take care you two and J, you need to stop stepping on Karen I can hear her screaming from here lol....

have a restful night

sparkles. 

[jacques]

Hi Girls,

well another day done, i went for my morning bike ride, i was anxiety provoking but it was nice to have different scenery, 2 ducks flew over my head and landed about 2 meters away from me. i am sitting in the living room and the frogs are singing, the animals are just so full of life here.

i have been struggling with panic attacks last night and all day, the adrenaline is pumping so hard i just seem to be on edge all of the time. it was so hard tonight being around so many family members, they are all nice and i feel guilty you two girls can't have the same, i think i will have another bad night but with the nice scenery i will have to put up with it.

Karen i am so sorry your mother has treated you like that, i wish i could be your friend in real life, give you someone to talk to and have some laughs with, we have so much in common, you put on a mask with the abuse and show no emotion with my abuse i have no mask their just is no emotion i can't seem to feel anything but fear and anger, i can sort of remmber what it is like to be happy and content, but is is a very vauge, i am happy i don't feel anymore, because i would fall to peices if i did.

Sparkles, you had better be careful with santa, he is old and you would not want him to break a hip, lol, might be in the naughty list if you did;)

Oh Karen i have experianced what you have, when my neighbour was living next door, i used to have to go away in the car, i would go to the next town and sit in the car, sometimes all day in a shopping center car park, it was horrible, i was always so frightened to go home, i would even get stomach aches just from the thought of it.

reading your last couple of posts i am worried, when you post small messages i know something bad has happened, i know you struggle with having people touch you, i can't stand people touching me either, i freeze, paralised until they move right away from me. but you need to do something nice for yourself if i could give you some flowers and chocolates i would in a heart beat, anything to make you feel special for a change, it is so nice having someone to talk to with so much in common, when you talk it is like listening to myself.

take care girls, i wish you two could be here to enjoy the view, and the animals, sparkles sleep tight you almost have two days to go, Karen while i am looking out the window tonight i will be thinking of you doing the same.

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi karen, 

how was your GP appointment? 

My GP appointment was ok, she gave me a lecture about not taking the PRN all the time as they are addictive (I already knew that) and I told her I was going to Perth she seemed to be excited for me. 

Oh yeh I woke up this morning and my mind was totally blank and forgot that I had an appointment today and then read your post so thanks for reminding me now I just hope I don't forget about my flight lol...

I hope it does not hurt too much when J steps on u with his big feet lol...

take care big sister thinking of you

sparkles  

[Sparkles183]

I am not liking these more frequent panic attacks I have been having, just saying....

[angelite]

Right back at you sparkles

Hope your ok J

I WILL get to the Dr today

Just saying

[jacques]

Hi Girls,

i am in the middle of a severe panic attack, my heart is racing and my hands have been shaking all morning, i had to drive and go into a shopping mall, i struggled but made it.

it is so nice here but i would love to be home, i just feel so "out of place" anywere away from home, it feels so strange not to see the surroundings from were i live, everything feels so sur-real i feel in a perminant day dream.

i hope you girls are doing ok, Sparkles how is the anxiety levels from the big move, i hope it is not too stressful packing. i am thinking of you.

Karen you sound like you are struggling worse than me, i get really worried when you only post small messages, i suppose you are at that beautiful river at the moment, please enjoy the scenery and relax, take a deep breath and say to yourself "i am safe".

i can't wait to get home and help you out, you have been so supportive of me through this difficult time, i can't wait to help you through yours.

take care girls, Sparkles only two more sleeps, i suppose you will be counting down the hours, so only 48 to go, lol.

Jacques