panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[AGrace]

Hi Guys,

Yes I survived the party, I tried my best not to clock watch and managed to stay 3 hours instead of 2. Although I left feeling angry that I just don't seem to get the same enjoyment out of socialising at places like that (it was at a wine bar, and we were standing all night). I hadn't seen some of my partner's friends for a while, so of course every second question was "how have you been" followed by "you look better". I find these a bit annoying probably because I usually have to give a bit of a superficial response. I did realise though that there are some people that I need to work on nurturing a friendship with. My Psychologist is trying to get me to increase my circle of friends.

The mindfulness talk was really good, and very interesting. It was presented by Dr Jeffrey M. Schwarz, author of Brain Lock and he has just launched a new book, but I can't recall the name right now. You can google him though. He's been studying the effects of mindfulness on neuroplasticity for 30 or so years, and he's really knowledgeable. I might do a separate thread for you both to tell you about what we learnt. The funniest thing was when we got there, there weren't spaces for the 3 of us to sit together. So my sister sat in one row and my mum and I sat behind her. I sat next to a very attractive guy. Then the facilitator asked him to move places so that my sister could sit with us. I turned to my sister, without any filter and said "seriously, I was quite happy sitting next to the eye candy". I didn't mean for it to come out so loud, so this guy just turned around and gave me an "I think I just landed in heaven" smile. I was sooooo embarrassed.

J - Thanks for answering the questions so openly and honestly. I know it was probably difficult for you. I really appreciate that you took the time to do this. I figured you would struggle with the last one. I don't think I realised that your family had no idea what was going on with you. Why do you refrain from telling people? Isn't it easier for people to know? I also want to add that you haven't lived like this for 30 years. You were tutoring in your late teens, and if I recall correctly, from a previous message it's only been about half that time. I know that you've shared with us an incredible amount of information and I'm really grateful for the way you feel comfortable enough to open up to us. I really hope that sharing and having your occasional vent helps you. Please don't worry about me.

Amber

[AGrace]

Hi LR,

Sorry, I ran out of characters but felt like I didn't get a chance to respond to much of your post.

Don't feel embarrassed by the panic attack, these things happen to the best of us. Sometimes you just have to look back and laugh. Were you anxious about the massage? Or was it thoughts going through your mind? I hope you at least enjoyed the massage...I'm a little jealous, but I'm having one at the end of the month for a girls day out with my sister and mum. We're also going to see the Jean Paul Gaultier exhibition - so I'm looking forward to it. We never really get the time to do things together like that.

I hope you've managed to stock up on meds. I think it takes a while for a mood stabiliser to be completely out of your system, but better to be safe than sorry.

I take it you don't have a great relationship with your dad? I hope that you at least get to enjoy the wedding. I hope that your partner goes with you and stays by your side to look out for you. Don't worry we all feel like black sheep. All we can do is focus on making sure we have the people in our lives who can accept us for who we are, the others aren't worth the time or energy.

Believe it or not, I have another party to go to tonight, with the same group of people as Wednesday - at another bar. The only downside about coming to the end of the year - so many parties. I've told my partner that I will see how I feel. I'm not sure that I can do it again. I seem to always get stuck trying to think of what to talk about - and I only just saw these people 3 days ago, not much has happened since then:(

That's fantastic news about your sleep and the lack of nightmares. On my new medication I don't really remember my dreams anymore. Supposedly I now snore and kick my legs chronically though. So sometimes I wake up to find my partner had to spend the night on the couch. At least I don't get night sweats anymore, they were the worst. I used to go through 3 pairs of pyjamas every night.

Are you able to elaborate on the horrific story? Or is it too intense? I'm sorry to hear that this obviously caused you a bit of distress.

I hope you have a great weekend:))

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber and LR,

Sorry LR i missed your last post, well today is the big day, i hope you manage to survive the wedding, make sure you have people around you that you trust, i am sure the day will go quickly.

sorry to have put you through all of my problems, my doctor sugested i come onto BB to talk to others with the same problems, maybe it was not a good idea, as i think i may be distressing others on here with my comments.

unfortunatly anxiety has ruled my whole life, i know i told you i did some tutoring when i was in high school, but that was for a short time and i still suffered from seperation anxiety, i have suffered severe seperation anxiety all my life, that's what i was refering to, i ony got social phobia when i was 19, but the social phobia is nothing compared to the seperation anxiety.

i suppose i don't tell family or anyone really because i am embaressed, i don't know any other 30 year old too scared to leave their mother, it is just easier to hide it from everyone, mum and i are hoping i die before her so i don't have to go through a mental breakdown from being without her.

Go Amber, you seem to be becoming the social butterfly, even if you don't want to go you are still managing to go out sometimes. the mindfullness class sounds interesting i will look the book up on google. i suffer the same problems on the few occasions i go out, people asking the same questions and not having a response.

i feel so lucky as to not get any dreams or nightmars, everything is blank until i wake up, lucky me:)

LR i get the same thing when i have to go out, i get so dizzy and my legs become jelly i find it so hard to stand, but i have never actually passed out though, at least you enjoyed the massage:))

LR as i have said in other posts the only thing keeping me alive is my guild for distroying my mother financially and emotionally, the lest i can do for her is care for her in her old age, their is nothing else in my life and never will be, if it were not for mum i would not be here, maybe i would have been better off dying years ago to save mum the emotional and financial problems she has now, i suppose i am lucky i have no other "ties" in life, no partner no contact with my fathers family and little contact with my mothers family, and no friends (except you two:)), so after mum is gone there is nothing for me.

have a great weekend guys 🙂

Bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

aww I hate the comments "you look better" 😞

Haha glad the mindfulness talk went well 🙂 defiantly do a post to explain it 🙂

I think I was thinking about the story I was told, then I felt physically ill, the massage wasn't too enjoyable, I asked her to go softer, she did for a bit and then went just as hard 😞 we also sat in a detox room for 30 mins so I was a little dehydrated. The story, so about a my mums friends daughter, she got fell pregnant young, and turned to drugs, the bf got locked up so she turned to prostitution for money, and some clients would take interest in her son, the maternal grandparents got custody when he was 5, but he was returned to his mum a few years later and then to his paternal grand parents where they took an interest in him. it was horrific 😞

No my dad is a huge emotional trigger and I am for him too, I used to be such a daddys girl until I took off the rose coloured glasses and realised how little he cared.

Partner will be there, but hes in a bad mood today and little cranky 😞 my sister will be there, well both of them, so hopefully they can protect me a little haha

aw Amber, I know the feeling, sometimes its just too intense, when I was out with my mum we went to her work for a bit, it was just too much stimulation for me haha

I've passed out a few times from anxiety attacks that I didn't even realise I was having, I kind of stop breathing and keep thinking and stare at one spot and my circulation screws up.

I hate night sweats !!!! I used to have to put a towel under me and have a shower mid night, I also find if I eat too close to bed time I get night sweats now. So sensitive to EVERYTHING haha

I'm at work now hoping it will go quickly, I hate that the wedding is at 4 as I have more time to stress 😕

I hope we are good enough ties! I looking forward to these posts, I've tried to start up a few threads but don't seem to get too much response, I think 5 is the most ive gotten.

my hands are shaking and I feel soo ill aaahhhhhh I would rather not go, but that would be equally as scary. I have a feeling I might have an attack at the wedding, not too sure what to do, the anti ds make me jittery, and all the questions as to why me and my uncle cant be at the same place, and whats going on between me and dad will overwhelm me so much.

[Little_Rascal]

Omg massive hail storm, front yards looks like they are covered in snow ... in W.A??? Omen or coincidence? I hope one of u is online!! Missed the ceremony but hoping to get there for the reception 😞 

[jacques]

Hi LR,

i heard about the storm in WA on the radio last night, sounds like it was pretty intence, we are getting some weired weather too, it was snowing not far from me last week, the temps in my area this time of year is usually 35-40 degrees.

who knows it might have been an omen, sorry i did not reply yesterday i seem to have caught the flu, have been unwell yesterday and today, hopfully won't take too long to ge tover it.

so how did the wedding go? did you manage to make it to the reception? how did your family treat you?

anyway i hope it went well for you.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Both,

Hope despite weather anomalies you are having a nice weekend:)

I'm looking forward to hearing about the wedding LR, I'm glad you could at least make it to the reception! They do say rain on a wedding day is a sign of good luck, so I'm sure hail is extra special. The story you shared was definitely tragic. I can understand how it would have horrified you. I just hope this boy is getting extra care now. Some of us have the saddest stories, it's hard not to feel emotional about them. Hopefully something good will come out of it, he certainly deserves it. I'm glad you look forward to our posts. I'm not sure if I've seen too many of your other threads...sorry. Sometimes it makes more sense to join in on a thread that you feel you can relate to. I'm not sure how J and I ended up consistently replying to one another, for me, I found him interesting and I guess I could sense that underneath the venting was just an average guy who was dealt an unfortunate hand. Like you, I could relate to how he was feeling.

J, I don't think I realised it was your Dr who suggested BB. It sure is an interesting form of therapy. Regardless of who sent you here, you're here now and I wouldn't have it any other way. I know you always think I'm wasting my time helping you, I don't think you realise how much you help me. I really just want you to get what you need out of coming here...and if that's an occasional rant then I can cope with that:) I get you feeling embarrassed to tell your family. I have to say I don't get your mum's embarrassment. For me, one of the most liberating things I did was tell people about my mental health. It was literally a process of removing one mask at a time. I do get though that some people find mental illness difficult to comprehend. I know how much you love my questions, so I do have a few more. How do you see your mum, I mean do you think she protects you? I'm just wondering where the separation anxiety might have stemmed from and how it escalated as you got older. Why do you think your parents didn't do anything sooner? Do you think you're afraid to be alone? Ok, my partner would be telling me my 20mins is up now, so I'll leave it there.

I actually created a separate thread WHY CHOOSE MINDFULNESS regarding the mindfulness workshop. You can both let me know what you think:)

Oh, and I chickened out at the last minute last night and didn't go to the party.

Amber

[AGrace]

Jacques. Sorry I just saw your post about having the flu, I hope you feel better soon. I'm actually nursing my partner today, who has a bit of a throat infection. Lots of fluids, hot tea with honey, and chicken soup xx

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

Thank you for your concern, i think mine might be a head cold, we have had some strange weather last week i think might have triggered it, and with my hayfeaver alergies i think i might have been a little  run down.

ah well at least you seriously considered going to the party, you should feel prowed of that:)

oh no, my doctor put me on a mental health plan and signed me up for a psycologist, but i was unable to continue it for financial reasons and anxiety reasons too.  he suggested the BB forum to have some contact with people who would have the same problem.

i suppose mum sees no other man being afraid of leaving his mum, i seem to be the only one, maybe she is not embarrased, she is protecting me, maybe, i don't know.

mum and i have never been really close, i was closer to my father, i think it was she had complications when i was born, i was not breathing when i was born, it took them 5 min to revive me (although i wish they haden't succeeded) and mum needed a blood transfusion to stay alive herself. i don't know why she protects me, maybe she is as ashamed as me of my condition, or it may be my condition she is protecting me from, i really don't know.

i don't really know where the seperation anxiety stemed from, i was being cared for by child care workers as mum was a manager and dad had his own business, and they both needed to get to work ASAP. i don't know why they didn't seek treatment for me, i suppose they thought i would grow out of it, or maybe it was the diagnoses of ADHD that masked the problem, thats all i can think of.

no i am not afrade of being alone, in fact i like being alone, but their is something with my parents i just can't seem to go a night without them. 

i hope this answers your questions, i tried to the best of my ability to answer them honestly as you already know i suppose:)

as for the social phobia, it came about when my father died, or maybe it wass coincidents, i am not sure, anyway i better go and cook some dinner.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi J,

I just wanted to leave you with a thought for tonight, and I too am being honest, I think you have no reason to be ashamed of who you are, nor of your illness. I think you too have so many reasons to be proud, and I know it will be difficult for you to see this. I'm really proud of you, and I'm really glad that you followed the Drs orders and came here to BB. I really enjoy chatting with you, I've learnt so much from you over these past few months, and it's also been a privilege to listen to your story. You may not realise it but you've come such a long way since your first post. I know I'm yet to break this idea that you have, but I'm still not giving up on that. The time I spend chatting with you is not wasted, and more often than not you have managed to bring either a smile or laughter into my life.

I hope you know that someone believes in you, because I certainly do.

I hope you have a good night, enjoy your dinner:)) Looking forward to hearing back from you.

A xx