panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[AGrace]

Hi Guys,

LR - I think work is the best place to not be able to process information effectively...save that for personal time:)) I hope you enjoyed a drink for us. I've got a party to go to tonight, which I'm dreading, so I've already established a 2 hour limit with my partner. I wish I drank - it might make it a bit easier! Instead I will stock up on meds, and hopefully be normal enough to have a conversation with someone.

J - I'm so thrilled to be considered your friend, and even more so that you haven't tried to push me away yet. I am definitely adding both of you to my friends list, so that makes 3 for me! And of course we see you as one of the good guys, anyone who got the chance to get to know you would. You are not your illness J, you just have an illness, but there's more to you than anxiety. panic, fear and worry. I'm pleased that you managed to hide the shakes from your mum's friend. I think the saying goes fake it til you make it. I don't even bother trying to hide it anymore. If people don't like me because my hands shake, I get sweaty, and my mouth gets dry, then too bad for them.

LR - If you do DBT you won't have to worry about the Anger Management classes. You will spend 14 weeks learning about emotion regulation...I can't wait. The uni lecturer I don't really like actually did a drum roll for me today, the funny thing is I think I've become the teacher's pet. What do they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer...that's the strategy I'm adopting.

J - I'm glad that sleep has been ok for you of late. LR - I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. These days I can't keep awake past 8:30, no matter how hard I try. I'm a bit over the early morning wakeups but it does give me a few hours to get some things done before the rest of the country starts waking up. It's taken me 3 weeks to work out why I get so hungry at 11am, I realised it's because I'm having breakfast at 4am:))

J - You are the biggest burden I know, so I get why you only see yourself that way. I'm only kidding, but how was it to hear someone else tell you a lie? You're not a burden. You only rely on one person, and that's your mum. Most of us get the opportunity to share our burdens around with a few different people, so please be a little more gentle with yourself. The negative self talk is not helping your situation, trust me - I'm the queen of negative self talk.

I can't believe I actually have to put makeup on, wish me luck!!

A xxx

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am so pleased you are going to a party, even if you don't want to go, please have an orange juice for me!!!  i haven't been able to go to a party for 10 years, nor any funerals, i have missed one funeral of an uncle i was close to, it was hard not to go, but i just couldn't.  make sure you mingle a little as it might help with being in crowds (ie public speaking) 

hey me too, i now have 3 friends, the only people i interact with, i probably interact more with you guys than even my mother, AND WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE!!!

It has become a automatic thing hiding my anxiety, i don't do it intentionally, it just happens, i suppose over the past 13 years mum and i have been embarrassed by my illness, so i think it is just routine.

i am so pleased to hear that your lecturer is giving you a bit of an easier time, it will make learning much easier, and make your time at uni more enjoyable, who knows you might get on with the lecturer better than the rest....

it is a shame people will never be able to know me ever again, this forum will be the last place i will interact with people, after Christmas i am planning to ease my way out of interacting with family, so this will be my last place to interact with people, namely you two.  their is no need to worry my mothers wider family with my problems, and i don't want to distress them with my problems and future plans, i saw the impact it has had on one uncle who i recently told.  my mothers family still don't know how bad my anxiety is.

i wake up at 4:00 - 5:00 am it is a nice time of morning isn't it? nice fresh air, quiet or quieter and i don't know it is just pleasant.

you are not totally correct, i am a burden to society, (ie dole bludger) i am a wast of tax payers money, i will never amount to anything, it is unbearable to be such a large burden on mum, and it is so shameful to be a burden to society, thankfully i am not a burden on family, so i suppose that is a good thing.

i know negative talk is not good, but i seem to go to this way of thinking all the time, everything is negative to me, and the more i read and see and do makes me think it is getting worse, i know negative thinking is making my situation worse but i have always been this way from since i can remember, i don't think i have been ever able to see any positive in life.

anyway have a great time tonight, and i hope all goes well.

Bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Hey! Ditto!!! I talk to you guys a lot more too 🙂 my fella is so busy with the business and hos drug addicted sister i sometimes feel bad telling him what's going on in my head.  So thank you 🙂 

Hehe have fun 🙂 

[Little_Rascal]

I drink too much i think, but that's also the bipolar I think, I'm a little bit manic.  Had my first good sleep last night had to do some intense exercise to get sleepy and it was only 4 hours but it was AMAZING!!!! 

So stoked to be considered friends of u guys :)you're both so interesting.  And Jacques please hear Amber  when she says you are not your illness.  Talking to you shows that there is a lot more there, and writing it defiantly allows you to be more honest, let's face it what do u have to prove to someone u haven't met 🙂 

I'm pretty sure we are both queens of negative self talk haha! Not fair 😞 

When I was on the dole my mum said she pays taxes so she doesn't mind if goes to someone who needs it. 

I love that time of the morning, i hate when it gets brighter and people wake up it overwhelms me a little.  So beautiful, in jurien bay we would feed the horses at midnight and the stars light up the sky like glitter.  So lovely.  

[jacques]

hi LR,

that's great, at least 4 hours is a start, that is the reason i don't drink, becasue if i did i would be an alcoholic to numb the anxiety, and i would have more problems than i have now.

you are right, you don't relize how good sleep is until you are unable to sleep, i have had 3 nights good sleep and i fee so much better for it.

but i am my illness, i have been all my life, sorry Amber and LR, but my whole life has been controlled by anxiety, fear, and every decision i have ever made has been on the basis of least anxiety, if that makes any sense, if i fear something less that will be my decision, i am a weak person i know, but the anxiety has and always will control what is left of my life.

i feel i always have to prove myself because of the shame of being a burden, and because i am worthless, i have never contributed anything to society and never will, the only hope i have is to be able to care for my mother when she gets older, and try to make her life more comfortable, that is all i want out of life. nothing more.

thank you for trying to make me feel better about being on the dole.  but i have had so many family memebers and my mothers friends saying what a burden people like me are on society, i have been told repeatedly for over a number of years, and i guess it has finally sink in, so thats how i see myself as a wast of space.

i agree i like it in the mornings too when i am the only one out,, going on my morning walk it is so nice to just enjoy the senery, but in the summer other people go walking at the same time and this makes me nervious and all i can do is look at the ground, so that is not so good, i miss so much scenery because of this.

well i hope you manage to get just a few more hours sleep tonight. take care and i hope tomorrow is a better day.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I wanted to ask you some questions

What research for treatments have you done?

What treatments have you tried?

Why do you feel the need to look after your mum if you really feel like she would be better off without you?

How much insight do you have on how much of a waste of space you are when the only perspectives you've been able to get are from your family and your mum's friends? And why are their perspectives so valid to you?

Is it more important for you to end your suffering or your mum's suffering?

If you are your illness, and you are so good at controlling everything, then why do you not have control over yourself?

Why do you care about whether or not you have any friends?

Why do you even care about being a waste of space?

Why so you care about what others think of you because you get government assistance?

and then I'm also wondering what it would be like for you to step into either mine or Little Rascal's shoes and reply to your most recent post? Do you think that you could pretend it was me that wrote your post and reply to it? What would you say?

Looking forward to hearing back from you.

Amber x

PS - I survived the party, tonight I'm off to a mindfulness workshop.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am sorry if i upset you, one of mum's friends was around yesterday carrying on about the usual, people on the dole, forigners and all of the other things some australians carry on with, and i just got upset and needed to vent.

you are right though i have done nothing to help myself, and i am always feeling sorry for myself.

i am glad the party went well and you are going to more functions on a regular basis, good for you.

so here goes with the answers

question 1: i have researched CBT, Medication, Meditiation, Mindfullness, Muscle relaxation Techniques, Yoga, Excercise, ECT.

Question 2: CBT, Medication, Mindfullness Excercise, Muscle Relaxation Technique

Question 3: Because of the guilt, mum would be better off finanically and emotionally without me, but because she had to use her life savings for looking after me, she has no way of maintaining the house without me, so this is why i am in such a bind, at the moment this is the best i can offer her, it is not much but that is all i have to give.

Question 4: their views of me are so valid because they are the ones that know me the best, and looking at how little i am willing to help myself i agree with their evaluation of me. not to mention i sleep all day and night, i do nothing through the week and can only manage about 4 hours work before i am tired.

Question 5: i think it is a 50/50 i can't decide but i think stopping my mothers suffering is more important to me, once i have become useless to her i will make up my mind, it does upset me a great deal that i am making my mother suffer because i am unwilling to be normal.

Question 6: you are right i can't control myself, my anxiety does and always has, but living in isolation gives me the best possible chance of controlling m environment, maybe it is an illusion, but i feel everything is out of my control when i leave the house.

Question 7, 8, 9: i don't know, i suppose that i am thinking more about what my life is like and has been like over the past few months since talking to yourself and LR, reading on the forums what others are able to do and achieve and looking at how little i am willing to do for myself, i know that if i wanted help i would be albe to get it and people will support me, but i made the decision a long time ago to just disapear into oblivion and try so hard to get people to forget about me, and on the most part i have succeeded.

i hope this answered your questions, if i am getting annoying with the way i carry on just let me know.

Bye

J

[Little_Rascal]

>< I love your questions Amber!! 

It's a good Jacques, what would you say to us if we said the things you did? Maybe write that down and stick it somewhere? Could help a little bit, worth a shot 🙂 

Can you prove yourself but not letting your anxiety consume you? 

This might be out of line, but what is keeping you alive if you think so negatively about yourself? Every counselor has asked me this and I repeat my answer every time I feel like doing something bad. 

So glad u survived the party Amber 🙂 how'd the mindfulness workshop go??? 🙂 

I had an anxiety attack whilst getting a massage with my mum today for her birthday !!! Stood up after and stumbled because I was so close to passing out.  What a twat. 

Also accidently ran out meds, from what I've read bipolar and anti ds are not good with out a mood stabilizer? 

I have a family wedding on sat, my "sperm donor" will be there, and I have a feeling there will be some uncomfortable questions coming up and my grandad is in hospital with emphysema, and I may be paranoid but I feel there is some animosity towards me in the family!! Yay for being the black Sheep 😛 

hope I sleep, got two amazing nights (4-5) hours but no nightmares 🙂 

I got told a horrific story today and the main focus of the story was the main focus of my most recent traumatic nightmare 😞 

hope u guys are ok 

[AGrace]

Hi J,

Firstly you didn't upset me, and I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. Secondly, you haven't made up your mind. You said yourself, once you become useless, that is when you will make your decision. Thirdly, just because you decided one thing it doesn't mean that you don't have the right to change your mind. Fourthly you didn't really answer the last question, so I will ask again for you to write a reply to your post. Finally I'm not annoyed by you, I think you are an amazing person, who has just failed to see that for himself. I think your family don't know you at all, because you haven't given them the chance to get to know the real you. You even said yourself that you haven't shared with them what you share with us here.

I care about this decision that you have supposedly made for yourself, I care about what happens to you, and I care that you haven't tried all possible solutions, and I care that you think that your life is not worthy of getting better. I wouldn't reply to you at all if I didn't care. You need someone to care, because I don't think anyone else in your life seems to be caring. And like you said, I was lucky I had support. You have my support, and I sware to god, if I could drive to your house and help you, that's exactly what I would do.

Amber x

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

it is concerning me greatly that you have so much concern for me, i worry that you have so much concern for me and not spending enough time getting yourself better, don't worry about me, i will rant and rave on depending what i read and here in different media outlets.

you might be right about family members, but it is not their fault, mum and i have hidden my problems from everyone for at least 2 decades, they have no idea how far down the "rabbit hole" i am. and  i don't want them to know, because if they do it will just add more stress to their lives, and i don't want the to wast their time trying to help me when i am not willing to get help.  if in the distant future i ever decide to get help then i will tell them, but this is very unlikly.

to be quite honest i don't know what i would say if what i said were someone else, i would not be able to handle it, i have never been good at handeling things like this, and i know how distressing it must be to you two, and i am sorry, but as you said you can walk a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  i am sorry i know this doesen't answer your question, but i really would not know how to reply.

i know people must think on this forum and in my own life that my problems are something that can be overcome, but i have lived like this for around 30 years, this is all i have ever known, i am tired and for a very long time i have been unhappy, i have never had a desire for a future, i just want to survive until their is no need for me any more.  life to me is for someone else, i do not belong here. i often think when i was born i was not breathing, it took the doctors 5 min to revive me, and i often wished they had not suceeded, to make things easier for me.

i have thought this way for about 15 years, and in that time nothing has changed, i just don't have any desire to be here, and here is the thing, it does not distress me thinking this way, i feel very calm and comfortable with this way of thinking.

my hands are shaking so bad writing this, i have told no oe until now about any of this, and i hope this does not distress too many people reading this post.

thank you for the concern, and i know you only want to help me, and i feel terrible for making you feel this way.  i know i can talk to you about this and i am thankful for it. but please don't be concerned about me, i will continue on existing, as i always do.

any way how are you going? how is uni? how did the mindfullness class go?

have a good day

Jacques