panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Sparkes,

it is ok, i am used to having boring weeks, i have been living this way for so long i don't even remeber the time going, yes i do have hobbies, i read a lot, even though i have the same problem as you i can't concentrate for long and forget what i have read soon after. i build model sailing boats, they take about 6 months each, but i find doing all of the fine work on them a challenge because my hands shake so much, but it does help tak my mind off of the anxiety so it is worth it.

i remeber my first panic attack too, i was 5 years old, it wass my first day at preschool i screamed and screamed at the fence until mum picked me up in the afternoon, i was so frightened i would never see her again, the whole time i wss their i never interacted with anyone, i was a nervous wreck, i will never forge tthe teachers faces, they were horrified that a child could react that way.

i think that the negative way we view the world is in part from out illness and in part from life experiances, we seem to never forget or move on from the way we are treated, and i suppose we are all hyper sensitive to peoples comments.  it is just something we will have to control as best we can.

it is amazing what we can do when we are forced to, my mother has osteo arthritis in her knee and hip, so i am having to do more of the stuff now like pay bills and do shopping, it is hard, it takes me about two hours to hype myself up to go and the rest of the day to settle down, it is exausting.

i find myself anticipating having to go out now, knowing it is something i have to do.

i am so glad all of you ladies have decided to take to me and make me feel like i have something in common with at least some pople in this world.

take care, and have a good week, and have a good rest today.

bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

i hope one day you are able to talk about your experiances, it might help to get the weight of your shoulders and be able to move on with your life, i find it very difficult and shameful describing what has lead to my mental breakdowns, and as for me this is no were near the whole story, but it's a start.

i have to admit, and please don't be upset with me, i was one of those people who could not understand how women can stay in abusive relationships, reading your story and watching the horrible stories on the news, i have some understanding on why women stay. as ith evrything i have not experianced abuse from a spouse so i don't know what it is like, but your description has enlightened me some what.

you should be proud of rebuilding cars, i would not know where to start, i can do basic stuff like oil changes and things like that, but it is something i would love to do one day, it sounds fun and gives you a sense of pride, i could imagine.

i can't believe you renovated two houses, i am trying to renovate my mothers house, i am doing it but it is difficult ias i am learning everything as i go, it is a challenge, but i am full of pride too at my efforts.

do you think you could buy an old house to do up again, might give you something to look forward to every day and give you some much needed self confidence too?

i have to go to the doctor this week too, i need more medication and their is no other way to get it, so i have to choose between now and thursday when i go, i am terrified of the thought of having to go, but their is no choice for me.

if you recommend the online courses i will have a look, but no promises, i just can't deal with any phone cals at the moment.

oh that is good i thought i wass the only one with the phone problem, i wounder what it is with phones and people like us, it seems weird to me that we are so afraid of them, oh well, maybe one day you and i will be able to use them again.

yes i am building another boat, i have build 4 of them now, my first shi was the HMS Bounty, one of my mothers friends wanted me to build it for her husband, i wss terrified but enjoyed every minute of it, the second was the Ann McKimm i had no money at the time so i built the whole thing out of paddle pop sticks, it turned out good, the third was the Malibar 2, which i made out of scrap ply wood and the latest is the bluenose 2, which should be finished in the next 3 weeks, i will put a picture up on here of it when i am done.

look after yourself:)

bye

J

[Sparkles183]

Hi Karen

Thank you for your kind words it is very much appreciated, it is nice to see we are getting encouragement from each other.

Thanks for the suggestions of the other online programs if it does not work out with my current program I may try them.

When I started my current medication I too was getting very dark thoughts and I felt my depression got worse I am now about 8 weeks into taking my current medication, and them dark thoughts are not as bad, I still feel depressed a lot of the time and I am not sure if the level of depression  is about the same as before I stated the med or if it is a little bit better. Although I do know that it has improved my anxiety a little bit I would not be able to do half of what I can now do at work 8 weeks ago. And the only side effect I get now is night sweats and chapped lips. So I guess the side effects could be worse.

I hope your side effects starts improving soon and you start to see the positive side of your medication.

Take care and try to look after your self

Sparkles

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I'm with you I'm really not sure where the fear of making phone calls or answering them has come from. Its is such a struggle. I would quite happily go bush and become self sufficient so I never had to see anyone again. 

Awesome idea about renovating a house but I'm just not in the position to manage. The anxiety makes it impossible for me to even go and purchase the items I would require to renovate a property. I can't even manage the phone call to go look at a place. I found the perfect property but too scared to take that step forward. I remember how proud I was renovating a house.  I wish I was strong enough. 

I remember my first day at kinda I screamed that much they sent me home with mum I didn't even last 10 minutes. My mum was so angry with me. It never improved I was always so distressed and anxious.

J if you look into E/couch they do not contact you. Also you can do it at your own pace there is no pressure and you can come and go as you please and work at your own pace. As I said I was unable to answer the questions because I was scared of getting them wrong. But I did read all the information and found the information interesting.

I'm glad you are still managing the model boats I look forward to seeing the picture when you finish.

Good luck with the Gp I'll be thinking of you while I'm in the waiting room to see mine. If I can do it so can you J. As long as a man doesn't come near me.lol

So thankful for your help J

Take care.

Hi Sparkles

I'm still taking my medication only been two weeks so a long way to go before I see some results. Some days I feel like its making everything worse. Its difficult to know what to expect. I know its not a miracle. Even if it helps enough so l can get a place of my own. I feel a long way from that.

I hope you managed to relax over the weekend and hope your week goes smoothly for you.

Thinking of you take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

Wow, are you sure you can't read mind, i have the same dream, i would love to live in a rainforest, with a hand built hut, nothing fancy, just a roof over my head, and have absolutely not a person in sight, just the animals roaming around the forest for company.  but unfortunatly that is an impossable dream, but one i enjoy none he less:)

i know, i am sorry i should have thought of the struggles with having to get supplies, i just thought it would be a good distraction and help with self-worth and much needed self-confidance.

so it sounds ike you had the same problem and me with always being anxious, even from an early age, i wish i could be like you and be away from my parents, i have only ever spent 4 nights away from my parents and all of them were very distressing for me. the last time i was away from them was 1994.

i will look into e/couch sometime this week, and will let you know how it goes.

i am shaking so bad today, and in a really crap mood, i don't know why the shakes are so bad i am having trouble typing or doing anything with my hands, and i am so agitated i could go off at anything i think today, i hope it does not last long, i am just sitting quietly in my room, trying not to interact with mum because of being so angry, i don't want to snap at her.

oh, the joy of mood swings hey.

anyway i hope your doctors appointment goes ok

look after yourself

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

Im sorry you are having a difficult day. Its always good to remember distraction techniques, or find something soothing. Do you keep a journal, I know I should but haven't managed to start one yet. I do keep a note book with grounding techniques in it, and Ambers suggestions, so when I'm having a really bad day I can remind myself what I need to do. The shaking is so exhausting, I find sometimes it just easier to accept it because fighting the shaking can sometimes make it worse.

I've decided that I need to have a purpose without that I don't know why I'm bothering to fight. So my aim is to try and get well enough so I can purchase a house to renovate. I think that will be the best medicine for me to regain the confidence I've lost and be proud of myself. I'm a long way off. But it's something I need to aim for, to try and regain some self worth. Thank you for the awesome suggestion I appreciate your help J. I wish I could help you as much as you are supporting me. You really are wonderful.

I didn't get to the doctors today couldn't manage it.  Must have been an off day for both of us. I will try again tomorrow.

I love the image of your private oasis sound just perfect. Even if you can try to visualize that when things are difficult may help you get to a better place.

I envy you J having a mum that is so kind and protective. My mum is just unable to show any affection has never told me she loves me. Tells me I'm pathetic and worthless. But I just don't know how to find the strength to get away from her abuse. I spent 24 years in an abusive marriage only to find myself living with my abusive parents and not being strong enough to leave, what a mess.

I hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for you. I'm going for a walk then back to the car need to isolate. My thoughts are with you J and wishing you all the best its what you deserve.

Take care 

Karen

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques and Karen,

I managed to make it to work today before 6am, the day went ok although all us students are still getting emotional blackmail with threats of failure from the TAFE.

We had a heat wave on the weekend and for some reason I think that caused me to go into a downward spiral I spent most of the weekend in bed and last night my mood was that low and I was getting very, very dark thoughts I had to put my safety action plan  into place action again but I guess that is ok it is just for my protection. I thought I was managing them thoughts  ok and my mood was improving, but when I least expect it I have to go through that again. the good news is when I woke up this morning I felt a little bit better, and my mood was ok I am just feeling emotionally numb at the moment.

It looks like we all are going to see professionals this week I am taking the day off tomorrow as it will be my first appointment with my new psychologist, I am a bit anxious after  the way I was treated with my old psychologist but the positive is at least my psych is female this time.

  hi Jacques,

That is amazing to hear about your modal boats I am looking forward to seeing the picture soon.

 it is sad to hear that you had an panic attack at such a young age, I have had some sort of anxiety since I can remember being a toddler, although up until recently I have thought it was a normal part of life and every one had to live with it. And when I did have my first panic attack at age 16 I thought was some sort of asthma attack.

So I guess I do not know what it be like to live a life without anxiety, but I guess it will be wonderful. 

    hi Karen,

I guess the pharmacology of Ads can be very complex, and I have not heard of many other meds that takes so long to take effect, ( I know I still have not got the full effect after 8 weeks)  and then it is no guarantee that the med we are taking will work for us. But we all want to get better as depression and anxiety is not easy to live with, so I guess we are willing to try anything to get better. I truly hope that your current med is the right med for you.

I hope you both have a good week and both your GPs appointments go well 

Take care

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

i am so sorry to hear you had such a bad weekend, i hope you manage to have a good week to make up for it:)

what a nice photo you have put as your pic, i love sunsets/sunrises.

it is not fair that TAFE puts pressure on you, but i think it comes down to TAFE being under pressure for funding from the government, i know it is still not right, but i would not worry about them too much.

i hope the psyc's appointment goes good, and you manage o feel comfortable with this one.

anyway try to enjoy the rest of the day.

bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

no i don't keep a journal, their would be nothing in it;) seriously though i just want to forget, not remeber, i strugge with my thoughts and writing them down would only make me focus on them more, not to mention if someone ever knew what i was thinking they would be greatly concerned, i have some very dark thoughts indeed and my view of the world is not good either, so i just try to block all of my thoughts by finding something to destract myself.

i am glad you have written down some of Ambers suggestions for helping with anxiety, and walkingi know certainly helps me to control the anxiety, i usually listen to music to make the walk go faster and to get home quicker.

i think you might be right about the shaking, i seem to be getting the shakes more and more over the past week, i think it might be because i have to go away for Christmas, i just can't wait for it to be over so i can get home, back to safty.

i am so happy and excited you need a purpose, and getting a "doer-uper" should be good medicine for you, something to do and something to take your mind off of the past, and who knows you may even have fun doing it, i know i have enjoyed renovating mum's house. and it does give you a purpose. i am hoping you are able to manage it soon, i would love to hear how it goes, i might even ask for some tips;)

i have to go to the doctors tomorrow, i am dreading it, but i need the medication so i have no choice but to go. i hope you have managed to go today, i know how hard it is, my doctor is great, he tells the staff to isolate me until he is ready to see me, so i don't get to overwhelmed.  unfortunatly i have just heard he is retiring at the end of the year.

i will try to visuallise it when i have a bad day, but i have trouble thinking of anything when i am having a panic attack, my mind just seems to shutdown, i can't think or anything it is not good.

i feel so privaleged to have my mother, i realise how some people like yourslef have no support, my mother and father have never been afectionate, but that is because of the way they were brought up, they always made shure i had averything i wanted though, and were always kind, i wish you had some family that could support you, maybe BB is your new family, i would be proud to have a sister like you:)

just remember that the longer you stay in the abusive environment the worst it will get, as you well know, not to mention it will make your recovery longer.

hope you manage the doctors & take care

bye

J

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

Oh, i forgot to mention, i signed up to e-couch last night, and i am going through the workbooks, will let you know how it goes.

take care

Jacques