panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

oh that is such a shame, when people ask you why you are shaking just makes you more aware of it, i know i get it all the time when i go out.  i have even had several times people speaking to their friend/partner say "look at him, he must be a alcoholic" and one person assumed i was a drug addict and treated me as such, it was not pleasent.

you have to look at it this way, they have never had anxiety, so how do they know? their is no way to explain it to them because they will not fully understand.

maybe your co-workers were worried about you, from what you said about the workplace it is a very caring workplace:)

the early starts will be tough, but i hope you manage to get through it and even manage to enjoy some of the time you are their.

take care, and i wil lbe thinking of you

bye

 jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

I agree, i am so like you, reading your thread, i may as well not write anything, we seem to think the same things, it is astonishing to me that someone is feeling & thinking the way i do, i hope all of my past posts have not distressed you too much.

just remember when you are in your car isolated i am in my home isolated, i am in constant fear of someone knocking on the door, if anyone comes near the house i literally run into a room in the middle of the house and hide, sometimes for up to an hour until i am sure no one is their, i find it so hard to have any contact with people, i could easily never see another person again and be ok with that.

gosh you and i are messed up, i just feel so ashamed that i have not had anywhere near the awful experiances you have had, i really have no excuse for being like this, i hope one day you are able to move on and have a little happyness in life, you so much deserve it.

i feel so honoured that you have seeked me out, i realise how hard it must be to talk to me being a man, but look you have done it and made another friend, your social network is growing and it was all down to you, you looked for help, came to BB and now you are a virtual social butterfly, you have made me realise that i am not the only one that feels to damaged to get help, i am so glad you swallowed your pride and took the medication, i  know how horrible it is, i get such bad side effects that i am unable to do anything, i am so tired all the time, and i can't stop shaking and feeling nausious.

but i realise that the medication makes life more tollerable and helps me pick up some of the slack from my mother, i feel so awful about the emotional abuse i have caused my mother, she has been i tears so many times over my anxiety, she has really struggled with my illness, but the medcation has made life more comfortable for her, so i am wiling to accept the side effects.

have you found the medication eases some of the anxiety symptoms? it may take some time. it took over a year before i saw any change in my anxiety.

so it looks like we take strength from each other, i am happy that someone feels, acts and has the same life views as me, it gives me great comfort knowing i am not the only on who struggles with people and places.

i was wondering do you have any hobbies? something to fill in the time, for years i literally sat in a chair and stared at the wall, i think it was about 7 years, everyday, all day.  it is something to fill in time.

thinking of u

J

[Sparkles183]

Hey Karen

That is so sad that the mental health system has let you down.

I wish I could do something to help you but all I can do is give you all the support I can on these forums.

I hope and pray that you can find the help you need soon.

I am doing the cause through mindspot at the moment it is ok I like it how you have a professional monitoring you throughout the cause.

Last week was the first time someone has ever asked me if I felt safe as I got a high score on the K10 while doing the cause. I got more from the 1 minute phone conversation from the therapist then I did going to my old psychologist for 7 sessions.

I really think people like both yourself and Jacques will benefit from a cause like that but they must have thought that you will be better with face to face help.

I also have tried the mood gym a few months ago that was good but at the time I was being bullied by my teachers and was not in the right head space to do the cause and a message did come up on the screen that I should visit my GP straight away because the way my mood was.  but they still let me carry on with the cause and it is one of the reasons did seek professional help. I was thinking maybe you can benefit  from one of the other online causes like mood gym.

I really do hope things get better for you and you get the help you need

Have a good weekend  and take care

sparkles

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

You are spot on we have a lot in common. Your posts do not disturb me, but I understand how you are feeling, that you are hurting, I was amazed how similar our feelings are that why I wanted to reach out to you. It took me awhile to manage to post but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I never thought someone else was out there feeling the same things I am. You also understand how difficult it was for me to post. But I enjoy talking to you J.

I'm glad you have taken the time to read my thread so you could understand that I do get what you are saying. I also hope that you haven't upset yourself over it because I know sometime that happens.  I did laugh when I read that we are both messed up, you certainly are correct there. You need to remember that what we have both been through it is perfectly understandable that we are not doing so great. There is nothing to be ashamed about its just how our bodies have reacted to trauma or life's experiences. Its not a competition who's been subjected to the most trauma everyone here has a story and their reactions have all been different. There is no right or wrong everyone at BB deserves to be healthy and happy, you included Jacques.  I know we don't believe that right now but one day we might. It's going to take time.

I had to stop the medication the hospital put me on it was making me too unwell. I've had withdrawal symptoms. I have just started a new one but finding it's making my thoughts really

dark. I will persist and hope that the side effects will lesson in time. So the anxiety and other things have been really bad this week.

As the

abuse worsened I was unable to have hobbies. We used to restore old cars, but that was 20 years ago. We would do ground up restorations. Even imported a BMW from Germany and converted it to left hand drive to right. My husband has German background. I have completely renovated 2 properties myself. Including bathrooms, kitchen. The last 10 years I have just been so lost it was just about getting through each day .

I'm glad you have a house to isolate yourself the car is so difficult no food, or conviences.

I also have panic attacks if the door bell rings, even the phone makes me panic. There is just no getting away from triggers.

I have started to draw again while in the car but finding it so difficult with the shaking. I like to read even if I can't remember what I've read. Still walking everyday.

Take care

Karen

[angelite]

Hi Sparkles

Thanks for being so kind I really appreciate anyone who is prepared to offer their support while they are battling their own problems.

I also tried mood gym but found I was too scared to answer the questions because I didn't want to get them wrong or sound stupid. I'm glad you are finding mind spot so helpful. I agree with you that I got more from their phone call they rang me three times and spent 30 minutes talking each time. They were so kind and very apologetic for not being able to help. Back then I could still make phone calls. Th Gp is still trying to help. 

I hope next week is better for you. Be kind to yourself Sparkles, you deserve it.

Take care

Karen

PS Have either of you looked into E/couch, or this way up. Jacques you should look into E/couch even if you can't answer the questions(I couldn't didn't want to make a mistake) there are still some great suggestions and very interesting. This way up was another one that said my symptoms are too complex but I think for people who are unable to get themselves to a psychologist they are a fantastic option. 

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques

thank you for your encouragement.

You are right I don’t think people who do not live with an anxiety disorder realises what we have to go through on an everyday bases.

 And when people do point out that we are shaking it makes us feel depressed and it is hard for us to take that step forward to do that activity again, normally I would avoid doing that activity again but this time I know I need to push on and it is going to be hard for me to go back to work on Monday but I think I can remain strong and make that step to go back.

So how has your week been? I hope your week has been ok.

Thank you for your help and take care.

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

you are an amazing person, being abe to face your fears head on is incredible, i could not even come close to doing that, i am so proud of you going back on monday i think you will over the next four weeks find it more and more comfortable being in the work environment, it will just take time to become desensitized to the new surroundings, i know you will make it:)

my week has been boring, but not so many panic attacks, i had to go into town on tuesday which was unpleasent, but managed to make it through the few hours, it only took me 2 days to recover which is good for me, sometimes it can take upto a week to stop shaking and worrying.

you are welcome, if you need someone to talk to, you know were to come, i will always be hear for you, if you need to talk, or just vent, please don't hesitate.

bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

I am glad you reached out to me, i don't seem to be able to talk to others on their threads, i am just not that comfortable yet, i have finished reading your posts, they are so moving and by what you have said on them i ca ntell that is not even the half of what you have gone through.

reading about your husbans ashes reminded me of my grandmother, she died when i was 8, i was not allowed to see her in the last 8 weeks of her terminal cancer, a lady she met in hospital made her change her will and power of Attorney and stoped my father, mother and i from seeing her, she then had my grandmother cremated and refused to collect the ashes and would not allow my father to get them, so after 2 months the crematorium through them out to the tip, so if i ever want to visit my grandmother i suppose i will have to go to the tip, i have no photos or documents from her as the lady called the police to my fathers house and demanded he hand over all of the photos and documents and then she proceeded to burn them and the police told my father their was nothing they or him could do about it.  it is like she never existed, the only thing keeping her from being wiped from history is my memory of her.

i am proud of you sticking with the medication, please speak to your doctor if the side effects get to overwelming, they cn try different medications until one works for you.

ihope i did not bring up too many bad memories over the hobby's i didn't mean to upset you, i just thought it would be a distraction.

i have the same problem with phones, i have not made a phone call since 1999, and am terrified of speaking on one, luckily my mother does all of the calls for me, i am petrified if i eve nhear the phone ring, sometimes i will even unplug the phone for days just "in case" it might ring.

my doctor suggested i go onto moodgym, which i did, but found it to be unhelpful, not thri fault i am just not able to concentrate enough to do the modules.

i will look at ecouch but i will be unable to do it if i have to speak to someone on the phone, or have anyone monitoring my answers.

i don't think i could go through with talking to councillors or psycs, i manage to twist their words in my mind to think to myself that they are attacking me, it probably sounds strange, i just seem to think the whole world is against me.

hope your day went quick, i know what it is like

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother you must have been devastated. Not something you can ever forget.  But you still hold a place for her  in your heart and while you hold on to the memories she live on. That's a wonderful thing. I'm sure she would be so proud of you J you are a kind, compassionate,understanding person and that's really something. 

You are right my story has so much more to tell but unable to be posted because of its content, I don't want to upset anyone, the only way I could express what had happened was by writing it down. I cannot talk openly about it. 

I agree about being judged and that people express their opinions about being abused for 24 years, people don't understand, why I allowed him to do such horrible things and didn't leave. People don't understand about depression, anxiety,and all the debilitating symptoms we battle every day. So you don't sound strange I agree completely with you.

You didn't distress me at all J, as l said isn't anything you can say that l haven't already thought myself. I actually enjoyed remembering about restoring the cars over the years there were seven full restorations we completed and some won prizes in car shows. Its one thing I was proud of. Being confident enough to rebuild, motors, gear box, repair and resray cars. I wish I still had that confidence but it was such a long time ago. The cars were better then new.

I also was proud to fully renovate two properties with very little help. How to regain that confidence seems an impossible dream. But you did remind me J that I was capable, and strong. That means a lot thank you im so grateful.

I had a laugh I thought I was the only one that unplugged the phone, I do that too. 

I haven't managed to go back to the gp  I will try next week. Things are really not good at the moment. You know what the days are like, endless I count the hours so l can just go to bed and hide. The nights are just as long with nightmares, anxiety, flashbacks. I hope the medication will help with the dark stuff. The gp  said 4 to 8 weeks so l will persist and hope the side effects will improve as well.  The gp  has given me some sleeping tablets but for some reason they aren't working. Not sure why, but I could really do with the rest.

I understand how you feel about the online courses but might be worth a look. 

Are you working on a model boat, love to hear about it.

Take care J

[Sparkles183]

Hi Jacques

Thank you for being so kind

.It is such a shame that you have had a boring week. Have you got anything to do that will occupy your mind, while you are on your house such as any hobbies or anything?

I just started reading again although my concentration levels can only tolerate a few pages at a time at the moment I find it is helpful to read a novel on the way to work it helps me to relax and not focus on the stress that may occur during the day. Also reading a few pages is a lot more then I could read a month ago, as last month I had trouble even reading a half a page.

It is a good thing that you took that step to go into town although it sad that you have had to go through a panic attack as a result of going into town.

I am proud of you as I know going into town is real hard thing for you. You are doing well and you should pat yourself on the back.

I know everyone is different, but in my opinion the worst thing I find about having a panic attack for me is the memory from having the panic attack.

I still remember having my first panic attack when I was 16, and sometimes I still get flashbacks from that very moment.

Sometimes I too think the whole world is against me and everyone hates me, even on these forums I feel if people don’t reply to my post I feel that I must have said something wrong and everyone hates me, although I know this is not true most of the time. I still think this way for some reason.

I use to have trouble making phone calls, but since I started to live alone,I have realised I have no choice. But it takes me about 3 days of worry and anxiety reciting what I am going to say before I can even make a call to book an appointment with my GP.

I am so glad you are making friends on this forum and you have realised you are not alone

Take care

Sparkles