panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Sparkles183]

Hi LR

First you are not a burden, sometimes that is just depression telling us lies and we are all different stages of our illness and that is ok. Remember we are always here for you if you want to vent, sometimes it helps to get things off your chest.

Re your mother, sometimes I feel the same way about my about my family and they do more harm than good ,I honestly felt more closer to them when I lived 4000 km away in a different city.

Yes a clearance is a good thing it means I can start work on Monday.

How are your ferrets going? I have no animals but my favourite pet when I was younger was a rabbit. But we are not allowed to have pet rabbits in the state I live in, I will have to move states to get a pet rabbit and I think it will be worth it. Anyway I hope you have a good day.

Take care

Sparkles

[angelite]

Hi Guys

Hope everyone is doing OK.

Amber I wanted to answer your questions and have given them a lot of thought I'm sorry if any of the answers upset any one it's certainly not my intention, just how I feel.

1. Fear I think comes from people's experiences, you will find a child won't have as many fears as an adult.

2.My personal fears come from being the abuse I have suffered, if I did anything wrong there would be consequences either verbal or physical. Even for the smallest mistakes. 24 Years of abuse certainly teaches you not to make any mistakes.

3.The benefit of my fears is to try and keep myself safe from abuse. Which is why now I fear everything.

4.My fears to me are rational. Every fear I have are a result of traumatic events. I relate everyone back to something that has happened to me. Also reliving these events with flashbacks its like its happening over and over again, so the fear is still there. To others my fears would be irrational.

5.Bravery to me are the people here at BB. Who fight everyday. I'm not I let someone to do horrible things to me for 24 years and never did anything to stop it. And I don't want to fight anymore.

6.I'm not courageous to damaged to be helped. If I was courageous I would be out there trying to help myself instead of spending everyday in the car isolated.

7.I'm not sure where courage comes from or where to get it.

8. Yes, I do think fear, courage and bravery can co exist but it's needs to be a balance of all three.

 9.The forum is a place where people can come and express their feelings without judgment and criticism and tell their story, to receive support and ideas on how to improve their quality of life and where to get help and understand what is happening to them, so they don't feel shame and so alone.

10. For me I came to the forum as a last resort, I needed to understand what was happening to me, the part of me that doesn't want to be here anymore is running the show, I didn't know where to get help, or have the tools to manage the anxiety, depression and PTSD. I don't want to be medicated or fight. And I didn't know how to tell anyone what had happened to me. I wanted to find answers on how to want to live when everything is telling me not to that I'm not worth it, no self worth, no reason to fight. Knowledge is power.

With all that said I can honestly say that I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the help and unconditional support from the people at BB. I'm grateful.

Take care 

Karen

[Little_Rascal]

Jacques,

you did not offend me at all, quite the opposite. 

I'm so glad you feel comfortable talking to us 🙂 I don't think you could say the wrong thing, I really appreciate your input

I trust myself the least, so other peoples strong opinions ( my mum is an emotional manipulator and my bf also has little tact) effects me so much I get confused.  

I will, they will appreciate the extra cuddles 🙂 for some reason I imagine you are very tall, not sure if you said you are.  

Thanks sparkles, sometimes I feel it's not ok like im not getting better, or I feel I am but others don't.  My memory recall is so bad at thet moment.  

I would move for my pets 🙂 

I just want my bf to come home with a gesture that he loves me, he takes working hard as proof and saying it is enough, but maybe just bring home a pot plant or kinda surprise for me or just write the paragraph I've been asking for the last 2 months 

[jacques]

Hi Karen & LR,

Karen i feel the same, sometimes i feel like i am so far down the ""rabbit hole" that their is no way out, acutally i believe their is no other way out, for me i have given up on being alive and am just looking forward to the day i can be free, no worries, no cares, no fear, at peace.

Karen i can't speak for anyone else, but i enjoy talking to you, you are bright, intelligent and thoughtful, excellent qualities in a good person, i am proud and happy you have decided to talk to me:)

where did you go walking today? did you see any wild life? i was watching a minor bird pull apart all of my vines to use for a nest, i was not impressed, but i did enjoy watching him/her pull apart the vine, birds are so interesting to watch, when they feed or make their nests or play in the sprinkler i can't stop watching them, they make the day worthwhile for me.

i found another 4 frogs in the self watering pot, i was so exited to see them, it

looks like an entire family in their, they seem happy and well fed so that has made my day:)

Take care Karen and i hope the weekend is more kind to you

Hi LR,

Thank you i am always worried what i say to people, but i am happy you value my input.

That is a shame, do you have any friends you can talk to (ie girlfriends, etc) someone to confide in? i know how hard it is when people tell you waht to do, i have had this from my mothers family and my mothers friends, putting me down, making fun of me, so i can sort of understand where you are comming from, it is easier for me though because i just avoid them.

yes i suppose i am tall, i am 6 foot 4 or 192cm tall, i don't know if i have said either, but i do the same, try to imagine what people look like, i am usually wrong but i just can't help but to imagine:)

i know what you mean about memory, i am so forgetfull these days, i can't seem to remember anything i will often go into a room and forget what i am their for, or forget what i am talking about, i think for me the medication is messing with my memory, or it is the anxiety, i don't know.

that is nice you care for your pets so much, i have some wild life in my yard, i care for them so much, once a bird was

injured and i sat their with a bowl of water and some seed until it died, i was so sad, but at least it was comfortable in it's last moments.

maybe you should sit down with your partner and have a chat with him about how you are feeling, not just a few words, but a proper talk, maybe he just has not picked up on the signs.

  Bye

Jacques



beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

Thanks for saying such nice things one day maybe I'll be able to see something good about myself. All I see is a pathetic, worthless, waste of space. My mum tells me to snap out of it, grow up, and stop acting like a victim. She doesn't understand how much I'm hurting, how damaged I am and the horrible injuries I have suffered.

I relate to how you feel, l didn't think anyone thought or felt the same things I do. I hope my answers to Ambers questions didn't bother you I wasn't going to respond but I needed to because they sure did make me think. 

The council have mowed the sides of the trail where I walk every day, I am so jumpy because of the threat of snakes. At least its a bit easier to see what's in the grass now. Today I saw a fox I think I was more scared of it, then it took off into the bush. I came across three baby rabbit's, probably what the fox was after. One of the farms I pass has three thoroughbred horses, one was quite angry and was trying to eat his rug, it was on the fence and he was trying to pull it off.  The black Angus cows have had calves, they are so nice to watch. After my walk I sat in the car by the river. Unfortunately the ducklings aren't doing so well there were 12, now only 8, bit sad.

Thank you for sharing with me about your day I enjoy hearing about it, I'm glad you found some more frogs, that's a good sign that the garden is a healthy environment for them. Have you started the water feature yet. I would love to hear about it.

I can really relate to your first statement I feel that way too. Jacques you are only young, there is a bright future for you, I know it. I will hold hope for you while you are unable, I care and think that you are a kind and compassionate person and the world need more people like you. Thanks for your time. Take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

I have read your answers to Ambers questions, they did not offend me, it was good to read what others interpret in the questions, to see a different point of view, to help me think of what i could change in my answers.

i have foundit is impossible for people without the mental health illness to understand, unless they are ging through it, i have experianced the same things you have been told too, i have tried to explain o them what my life is like, but they never really get the full impact of what i am trying to say, and whenever i get critisized i just think to myself they don't know any better, they can't understand.

the best way i can describe to someone what my day-to-day life is like is this "have you ever been involved in a traffic accident?" (if yes) "remember the feeling just befor it happened" "that is how i feel al day every day, the adrenaline, the fear, the dread. and that's how i explain it to them, that is the closest i can come to making people understand.

it is good you feel more safe when walking, i have a fear of snakes, and i am always watching what is around me, do you have the same problem with hyper awarness? i am so alert to every thing around me.

it is sad the harshness of a life in the wild, but the way i think of it is their is a circle of life, one dies so another lives.

i will definatly let you know about the warter feature, i have decided to do it next year, i have to get rid of an old car my mother has, she was left it from her father and can't let it go, but we ave decided to do it next year, i am looking forward to it.

your last statment was nice to read, but i could say the same to yourself, it looks like you and i seem to have a hatred for ourselves, we can't allow others nice comments to get through, maybe one day we will think different.

have a good weekend and try to relax, Amber got me onto a lady called Tara Brach, she has a podcast, which is really interesting to listen to when you are feeling stressed or upset, just google her name and i hope it is as helpful for you as it is for me.

have you thought about speaking to a proffessional about the abuse you suffered, maybe they wil lbe able to help you with that, or make your life a little less anxious, i feel so sorry for you, you have suffered from the abuse of others, most of my problems are self inflicted, i have created most of my own problems, stuff which i can't talk about, so i can't get help for it because i can't tell anyone.

thank you for your time take care

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

It's Saturday and I was hoping for a quiet day, but that didn't happen, someone reversed into my car, im pretty upset and distressed. It's going to need a new passenger side front door. But seeing I can't make phone calls or speak to people I haven't even managed to ring the insurance company. I just wish everything would stop so I can get my breath I've had enough.

I also suffer with hyper awareness, and easily startled I think that's part of the PTSD and is difficult to manage. People do not understand they just don't get it. I have been seeing a psychologist twice a week but she recently told me that she cannot help me anymore because im too much of a safety risk, and that the trauma I have suffered was affecting her also. The hospital I was in also said they couldn't help me. So it's up to me now, the doors have closed and I can't trust another health professional.  I can't keep telling people what has happened only for them to say they can't help. I can't even speak of the trauma I have to write it down. So that's why I'm back in the car no where else to go. I broke my number one rule trust no one. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I hurt enough.

Thanks for your kind words I'm not used to anyone saying nice things about me, one day we will both be able to believe good things about our selves. There is still hope for you...

I also created my own trauma by not leaving him or protecting myself, l allowed him do do awful things because I believed that I deserved it. 

Thanks for the information on Tara Brach I will have to make an effort to look her up.

Thanks for understanding Jacques I really appreciate your kindness.

Take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

oh no, that is terrible, i know with some insurance companies you can lodge a claim online, this may help you because it is easier to type instead of talk, just a thought. 

i know how hard it is, i feel the same way.  anything that happens i feel like i am in a tsunami pushing me along and trying to fight the other way to get out, i have that reaction  so often i will try anything to get out of having to talk to people or to do anything.

that is terrible, you should be able to trust a health professional, when i had one appointment with a psychiatrist and one with a psychologist they both thought i was quite normal and could not see why i needed help, because i did not drink alcohol or do drugs they thought my problems were only minor and treated me as such.

i have been hurt by so many people over the years i have become so untrusting of others, almost to the point of being aggressive just to push them away, i feel the same way i have the same rule to trust no one, and i have not trusted anyone for over 14 years, and it has helped keep me safe and to not get hurt even more.

never let anyone tell you you are not a kind and caring person, you have given me someone who understands what i am going through and makes me feel like i am not the only one who is going through life not wanting to be hear and not trusting anyone, thank you.

i don't know your circumstances, so please don't get upset, but if your husband was so abusive do you think he would have let you go if you did decide to leave? i have seen so many situations were partners were hospitalized and worse for wanting out of an abusive relationship, living with terror everyday can make you think some strange things, i had an abusive neighbor, i could not go out in the back yard i could not use my pool for 8 years, i could not go to the toilet until she went out because she would abuse me verbally, it got to the point where i started believing what she was saying to me, she brought me to a mental breakdown and she has been 40% of the reason i can't leave the house now. 

i used to punish myself for the abuse i coped from her, saying it was my fault and that i deserved it, and in some ways i still do i have such a low opinion of myself now because of that abuse and even though there was no physical abuse it may as well have been because it has the same impact.

the abuse you suffered at the hands of your husband "WAS NOT YOUR FAULT", he was the abuser, you did not deserve what he did to you.

bye

Jacques

[Sparkles183]

Hi everyone

How was your weekend?

My weekend was ok, an old family friend talked  me in to spending the  weekend with them down the coast I got back this morning and slept all day I am just feeling very tiered and warned out right now. 

Jacques & LR

I think the memory problem thing is very common with people who have anxiety and depression. I was having this problem before I even started on medication, I am also the same I can go into a room to look for something and forget  why I went to the room in the first place. I have decided to start carrying a notebook around with me as I am starting work tomorrow as I know having trouble with my memory can cause problems.

 Karen

I do agree with Jacques 100% IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I can relate to your pain only a tiny bit I had a very abusive father and saw all the pain my mum went through they are now divorced and it has got to the point where I have now stopped talking to my dad altogether as I know when I talk I will get verbally abused and I don’t need that in my life. I get very big anxiety attacks every time someone tries to abuse me and I am afraid of going into a relationship as I have trouble trusting man because of the abuse and both my sisters both been in bad relationships so I guess what I am saying even the slightest memory of abuse can last a life time, I can never imagine what it be like going through abuse that long.

I am also sorry that you feel that way about getting professional help. My last Psychologist treated me really badly to the point I am still questioning myself if I should of reported him I thought the same way that I could not trust another professional, but people on this forum and my GP talked me into seeing another psychologist and I have my first appointment next week, so I am nervous about the appointment but I know I need it.  

  Jacques

In my opinion verbal abuse can be very painful. I have been saying for a while that the most powerful weapon in history is the human tongue, as what people say to you can cause emotional pain for a life time. I don’t believe in that old poem that people say sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me.

As we know that what people say to you can very painful, please take your own advice and say to yourself that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

I hope everyone has a good week and please be kind to yourself

Take care

Sparkles

[jacques]

Hi Sparkles,

it is nice to read your post again, it has been a while, you are right wrds can destroy a person the same as physical abuse, i was being so tortured by my next door  neighbour to the point i was that frightened to go to the toilet i used to wet myself as to not get the verbal abuse from going, she used to run up and dow the fence with sticks and with a hose everytime she herd us in the house, if i left the back door i would be verbally abused and she used to come into our yard and bang on the windows to wake us up, it was a nightmare i have stil not gotten over, even though she moved 4 years ago, i still have problems being in the yard, i have damaged my bladder from not being able to go to the toilet and now am unable to "hold on" very long.

the abuse lasted 8 years or so, the first 6 - 12 months i was able to handle it, but as time went on it just wore me down to the point she really didn't need to do anything i was pre-empting the abuse, now evertime i see her, i start to shake violently and am unable to speak, the abuse was 24/7 as she was retired at the time and was a severe alcoholic, so i never got a break from the abuse, i could not imagine what some women go through with abusive partners having hpysical abuse on top of that would have broken me.

she is living a wonderful life now and i am distroyed, sometimes life is not fair why do people that abuse others never get "Karma". 

it is great you are starting work experiance, i hope all goes well and you manage to get a job out of it, and i hope your life turns around and is more pleasent:)

what a shame that it has to be that way that you need to cut contact with your father, their seems to be so many families breaking down these days, i feel so privileged to have had such wonderful parents, they cared for me and never had any fights, it was such a calm household.

i know with mental health professionals, you need to find someone you are comfortable with, but in the place i live their is only two phsycs so their is no choice, unlike the city where their are several to choose from.

anyway i hope your first day atwork experiance goes well, and you enjoy it, i will be thinking of you, please let me know how it all went.

best wishes

Jacques