panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

That's so great, congradulations, i am proud you managed to organise a holliday and actually go, and you had a good time, looks like you are well on the way to recovry or managing your mental health problems:)

The creche is going good, the Lambs are now teenagers, gettinginto trouble getting them selves locked in another paddock after squeezing through the fence and not go back. The rooser seem to have hay feaver, he is sneezing all the time and making a squeeking noise, it is so funny, (although probably not for him). i am still waiting for the pig to come back, it should not be long now, i am looking forward to watching her play in the mud, it is so funny.

I did listen the song from the veronica's, it does seem to sound what it is like for me, very good song, at the moment i am reading social engineering: a Hackers guide to human hacking. it is about how to get information from people for identity theft. it is amazing this day an age how hard it is to protect your privacy online, i like to be informed o the latest computer security no matter what forms it comes in.

I am so glad UNI is finally going well and you seem happy their, geeze sounds like you have a class of best friends now, i know i would be your best friend for a chocolate:))

I know you and LR would love to visit and help me and i am very greatful.

sorry to hear you had a terrible night, it is interesting how downward spirals work, and i will look up Tara on youtube, i was listening to one of her talks the other night i woke up at 2AM and it was still going, maybe it might have reached my subconsious:)

i hope the rest of the day turns out great.  you will have to hold onto your partner, he sounds so supportive and loving.

have a good day ladies

J

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I haven't actually been on the holiday yet, it's next weekend for Melbourne cup long weekend, but I'm definitely looking forward to it, and my partner is really excited. It will be his first time in far north QLD.

Sounds like the little lambs are acting like human teenagers. Perhaps they need a little lead. I've never heard of a rooster having hay fever. That must suck being on a farm. It's reminding me of the add for Claratyne, perhaps he needs some:) I think I'm looking forward to the pig coming back just as much as you, hopefully she brings some piglets with her too.

I actually applied for a job and had the first interview yesterday. I know, a huge step! and one that I've been keeping to myself because I'm not sure how it will turn out. I've said for so long now that I don't think I'd be able to go back into training, but this opportunity has come up and I figured there was no harm in applying. Who would've thought a few months ago that I'd get to the point where I could actually attend an interview. The funniest thing was the whole time during the interview I wasn't nervous once. I was really proud of myself, I'd managed to quash all the negative self talk and really be in the moment with the lady who was interviewing me. Anyway, I don't need to work, thankfully, so there's no pressure in getting it but I think it would be nice to get back into the workforce with something that is familiar to me to begin with.

I still plan to keep studying, and spending time on the forums here. These are my passions now, and I don't want to lose sight of my long term goal. Plus I enjoy coming here too much to give it up:)

I got my second assignment back from uni. I was so pleased the facilitator wrote "Wow, Amber, some really strong work, I have little more to add." I think I'm doing so well because I'm really enjoying what I'm learning. I'm on 1 week holiday from uni now so it's nice that I'll have a bit more time to myself this week, although I officially start DBT on Friday, so I'm sure things are about to get a bit busier.

She's such an amazing person, Miss Tara. I could listen to her voice for hours, and she seems so knowledgeable. Often when I listen to her I think about joining the Buddhism as I think we have so much to learn from Buddhists. They seem to be at one with the world and at peace with themselves, and these are 2 things I admire in a person.

Running out of characters, but looking forward to your reply.

Amber xx

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

You sound well on the way to living a normal life again, i hope all goes well with your future as it looks like it will. you have had so much happen in your life, you deserve a comfortable and loving life.

you are right about the Buddhists, everyone could take a page out of their book, they are so caring about the natural world.

it's funny you should mention clarentine, i told mum i should take over some hay feaver tablets, i feel sorry for him, but can't help but laugh at his misfortune.

i hope you get the job, it will be good for you to get back into the "swing of things", you are going so well, but over the past 6 months, you have put in so much effort to get better, it looks like it is paying off.

yes i hopt they bring th pig back, it will be a sight seeing her with pigletts, she makes enough mess on her own, let alone a group of them:)

if life gets busy, make sure you don't feel the need to talk to me, as i read most of the posts on this forum. 

i am running out of things to talk about, on this forum, i have recieved several emails from BB asking what i hope to get out of the forum, and i am afraid i have no answer, i don't know why i come here, and because of my unwillingness to get help, maybe i would be better leaving the forum, it seems like i am distressing others on the forum as they have commented to BB about my state of mind.

i will have a think about whether i will continue on here or just keep things to myself.

thank you for talking to me for so long on here, i have greatly appreciated it, as it has been nice to talk to someone my own age, and someone whome i have s much in common.

Bye

Jacques

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I have been following your posts for awhile now, anxiety makes it so difficult for me to speak on other people's post's because I worry that I will say the wrong thing or upset someone. 

You may feel that you don't have a purpose here but l would like to remind you that a lot of people here care for you and think that you are really special, kind caring, compassionate person, I'm included.

We all have a story to tell, battles to be fought which we all do in our own unique way. That's what makes everyone here at bb special, we all do things in our own unique way. Doesn't necessarily make it wrong.

I wanted to share a little bit about myself seeing I know about you. I am 43 and have just come out of a horribly abusive, violent marriage lasting 24 years. I have depression, PTSD, general anxiety, and social anxiety. I had to sell my property after my husband passed away, we were on a couple of acres rural backing onto nation park, across the road there is a river that you could always here. I miss the place dearly. 

I've had to move in with my parents and spend most days in my car, unable to be around people even going to the supermarket is near impossible. I don't belong anywhere.

Enough about me, I wanted to share with you that in my darkest moments of despair I read your posts and find hope. The stories about the animals makes me feel like I'm there. The strength you find everyday to get up and keep trying. It has given me the strength to keep going too. So you do have a purpose a very important one, you give people hope, every time you battle through another day. We are all here with you.

I'm pretty sure in saying that we have all had the emails from BB, they care about you and want to see you find the help you so deserve. Maybe it's time to reach out and grab that opportunity.

I'm not one to talk, refusing to help myself I have ended up in hospital in a mental health unit. I have never been in one before, now wishing a had managed to reach out for that help sooner.

Please Jacque I for one would miss what you have to share here, and know that you have given me the strength to fight when I didn't want to anymore. 

Everyday you fight another battle remember there are others fighting along side with you. We can't be there even sometimes we would dearly love to but we are still here.

Please take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen (Angelite),

what a nice username, than you so much for taking the time to talk to me, i did not realize how many people read this thread, i am just lost for words, like you i am unable to post on others threads, for much the same reasons i am afraid i will upset someone with all my negative talk.

i wish i shared the same view of myself as it looks like many people on this forum do, i just don't see it in myself, i see myself as more of a burden on here that an asset, but i agree everyone has an important story on BB to tell, i am just thankful that i was able to tell some of my story, even though it has not made the burden any easier to carry.

i am so sorry you have experianced so many bad things over the past 24 years, i can never understand how people can trat the ones close to them so cruelly, as i have always lived in a very calm household i have no understanding on what you have gone through but i ca nimagine it was unbearable.  thank you for sharing, i am honoured you wished to share it with me.

it is interesting you sit in the car all day, when i had to go to TAFE 7 years ago, i used to go to town 3 hours ahead of time, just to get away from an abusive neighbour and sit in the shopping centre car park for all that time, watching eveyone going about their day, just feeling at peace knowing that i did not have to talk to anyone, sometimes i still miss sitting in my mothers car in an empty car park lot.

i am speachless that you use my posts as a source to keep going, i don't know why i wake up everyday either, i must admit it is getting harder, being on here gives me great anxiety and i am frightened i will be forced into gettign help.

iam glad you find the animals interesting, i love them.

i realize BB is just trying to help me, so are so many others on here, i just am too afraid for change, and am frightened that if i get help i might have to live a life again, and i don't know if i will be able to handle being normal again, as for so long i have set myself a goal to care for my mother in her old age and than that's it for me.

i don't want to be a burden on anyone else, that's why i stay single, it is bad enough being a burden on family, i just could not do it to someone else. it feels too selfish on a special someone to put them through all my depression and anxiety.

i hope things go well for you and you manage to rebuild your life after such a rocky start to your adult life.

please take care and feel free to post here any time.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

Sorry it's been a few days, life was a little frantic surrounding my partners 40th party. It was a great night, and I'm glad he got to share it with friends and family.

I'm glad that BB have reached out to you. Try to see it in a positive light, at least they care about you and the others here. I think they just want to be sure that each person here is getting the most possible out of being on the forums, whilst also keeping the forums a safe space for the entire community. As you have mentioned, and so have I in the past, everyone comes here for their own reasons, but it's important for them to know that you are getting out of the forums what you put in.

I'm also pleased that Karen has shared her story here. I recall mentioning her threads to you some time ago. Like you, and so many of us here, her story is inspirational. Just like Karen, and I and so many others have found, getting help is difficult. As is being hopeful for change. All of the thoughts go through our mind, "what if we can't do it?" "What if we fail?" "What will change look like?" "I'm frightened to change" "My illness is the only thing I've known for so long" "What if I don't want to be helped". It is natural to be afraid and it's reasonable to seek support when you are ready. I guess most of us are of the opinion that if you wait another 30 years, it's not going to get any easier, in fact it will be harder.

I've been thinking about your plan, and the thought that keeps coming back to me is, what if when the time comes you don't want to die? What if you can't go through with it? Your idea is one of great paradox, given that most people don't plan for these things, they just happen. Most people don't have the hope to continue for as long as you wish to, they're just happy for it be over now.

There's still so much time between now and when you're mother might pass, and I guess things might change without you even wanting them to. I know that you say that your mum understands because she has seen your suffering, I guess we find this difficult to comprehend, because most parents would have had their child involuntarily committed if this was what they were planning for. I'm wondering if you get your fear of change from your mother?

I wonder how much nicer your mum's final moments would be if you could take her for walks, take her for a drive to the beach, go on outings with her? All of this would be possible if you put trust in yourself and the help available.

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

I'm glad you like my user name, Angelite is a gemstone which is supposed to help with psychological pain. I can certainly use help in that department.

I'm still in hospital day 12 I think. Still not to much progress sitting at the end of my bed shaking. I know you saw the shows on TV about a mental health unit, I watched it too. This place is pretty much the same, I think worse than what they showed on TV. That said I'm still grateful to be hear as I wasn't able to manage my safety anymore. I try to challenge myself every day to leave my room. Some days are easier than others.

I think most people here struggle with negative self talk me included. I stayed in an abusive marriage because I thought I deserved all the horrible things he did and I deserve to be punished for not being good enough. I know what its like not wanting to wake up each day. But we do and we fight even when there seems no  reason to.

I am no where near the stage of rebuilding my life, my days I break into hours, sometime minutes, it has been that way for a very long time. The only place I feel safe is in my car... But maybe there is a chance with baby steps I can find a way. I can relate I am scare to live, what if I fail, I an unable to do it, too damaged to be fixed... So you are not so different to the people here....

Jacques you say that being here at BB hasn't relieved any of the burden, but remember every minute, hour, you spend reading a post or writing one is a healthy distraction, and that's good.

Some time's it's just enough to know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. Normal I'm not sure what that is, I'm certainly not and don't hope to be we are all unique and that's what makes us special. I don't have any friends in the real world, I've been isolated since I was 17. But here at BB I do, and I have spoken to the kindest, caring, compassionate people that give up their time to support people without judgment. That means more to me.

When you can manage I would love to hear more about the animals, or even if you can describe your garden to me I would really appreciate the distraction.

Hey Amber

I'm not sure about inspirational, I've been called a lot of things but never that. Any sense of hope I have has come from your help and guidance. You know I wouldn't be here anymore if it wasn't for the support from you and BB.

Take care

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Karen,

it is good you are getting help and wanting it, it will help you on the road to recovery, i wish i were as strong as you,  you are someone i could look up to:)  thank you for letting me know what it is like in th MHU it is much apreciated.

i am always negative, it doesn't matter what topic, i always see everything as half empty, you were punished by your partner, i seem to punish myself, i don't need any one for that, it has been a life long trait of mine.

you and me are not so different, i have not had "real world" friends since i was 19, actually i have had limeted contact with anyone who comes near me, i have got mum to stop people talking to me, as i just can't handle talking to people face to face, and even if i get a phone call i get mum to say i am not here. BB is the only place i interact with people, it seems to be a OCD thing for me to look at the forums several times a day.

The only place i feel safe now is in mums car and in the shower, being locked in the bathroom having a shower, i seem to feel so safe. strange i know, but that's the way it is.

Thank you you are probebly right it is a distraction reading the posts on here, something to think about, if i am not reading the posts i am sleeping, i seem to sleep more and more these days, it just makes the weeks go by so quickly, i think this is the only way i stay sane.

about the animals, well, we have a family of frogs in the garden, more to the point in the self watering pots, i go out every afternoon and give them some water, the temp here is in the mid 30's so it is very hot, the frogs seem to feel the heat, so they have their little suction cap feel grasped around the opening of the pot plant, and their cute little faces out of the opening. when i give them water, they are so used to me they just move to the side to allow the spout of the watering can into the opening, and they croak when they get some water.

we have a couple of cats roaming around the yard of a night, they can't move anywere in the yard without the sensor lights going off, they don't like it and try to get away from the, but wherever they go another light goes off. it is interesting watching them look for food, sometimes i just sit in the dark with the curtains open watching them.

the chickens in the farm next door are so funny, they have got used to the sound of the owners vehicle and when he arrives they go off, waiting for their veggie scraps, they fall over each other to get the pick of the bunch.

take care  Karen

J

[angelite]

Hi Jacques

You make me smile thank you.

I definitely didn't want help but my gp ended up contacting the police so there was no choice. I even went bush so they couldn't find me. In the end I went voluntary to the ed it was explained that I would be a lot better off that way.so I went and sat in the ed alone for four hours, when every part of me wanted to run away, but I didn't want the police envolved so l stayed. 

I am medicated now which I have never been before, I really don't know how I'm going to keep taking it when l get out. Because I don't want that either.

So yes we are more alike than what you realize. I'm too scared to fight, to scared to live in a world that doesn't care, I don't fit in anywhere. So no I'M not strong, running scared. You would think that now I'm free I would want to live but I have just taken over from him and punish myself also. Staying with him was also a form of punishment, not believing I deserve anything better.

I'm glad you have two places that you feel safe. That's at least a start. I still only have one. So you are doing better than me. I also am unable to make phone calls, and do anything to avoid speaking on the phone. Which makes it so difficult to help yourself. Even if you wanted to it's just not possible, and very frustrating. I avoid people as well. People in town think I'm a snob because I don't talk to anyone. Far from it if only they knew how scared I am of them.

Thanks for sharing a bit about your garden. Where I lived we had frogs also, at night they would climb up the windows to eat the bugs, and I would sit and watch them. The deer would come out of the bush at night and feed on the grass out the front. They make the strangest honking sound. Also barn owls that feed on the rats and mice, they would sit on the deck looking for prey. A wombat that visits daily, and poo at the bottom steps every night. Great to get up to every morning. Kookaburras, cockatoos, major mitchells, rosellas, king parrots that would feed out of my hands..... I wish I was still there.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that comes on BB so often. As I said I look at it as a healthy distraction, and that's a good thing.

Take care Jacques  I am thinking of you...

Karen

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

here are some questions for you, how are you coping with all of the people around ie your partners birthday? how are you coping with the busy lifestyle you have now?

i really hope you are going to get back into the "swing of things" as you seem well on the way to managing your problems, you are someone i can really look up to

thank you for the questions though they have goven me something to think about.

Bye

Jacques