panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Little_Rascal]

Went exactly how I thought, sperm donor ignored me, drunk sister got jealous when I bonded with the other sister so kept stealing me away to talk privately, bf felt abandoned, so left with before me, I got home to no Internal doors because he had punched them to smithereens.  He was so calm when I got home and tried to make me understand it wasn't my fault. I think I should leave him, I don't think it's fair for him to be with someone who makes him that mad.  He has abandonment issues from being adopted and I am making it worse i think.  He makes me better i make him worse

[AGrace]

Hi Little.Rascal,

I'm sorry to hear about what has happened with your boyfriend. Is he getting help with his issues? Punching doors is inappropriate no matter how mad he is feeling? I do hope that you are safe. I can't tell you what to do, but I do wonder whether the 2 of you might be in a co-dependent relationship. If so, that's not very healthy.

It sounds like the wedding was a bit of a reality tv show. I hope you at least had a little fun while you were there. Oh and I'd reframe the statement you made "he makes me better, I make him worse." The actions of your boyfriend are not your fault, he has a choice in how he directs his anger. You can't make another person anything. They make their own choices.

Amber x

[jacques]

Hi LR,

i am so sorry to here the wedding was a disaster, sometimes i am greatful for not having contact with family, saves me all the strife of family problems, please don't leave your partner, i used to do the dsame until i got sick of replacing doors, then i started hitting the beams of the house until i broke a bone in my finger, that was 10 years ago and i still get pain in my hand from time to time, a reminder to stay calm, he may have felt angry at not being able to protect you enough, or frustrated at the way your family treats you? i don't know you well enough to be saying these things, so please don't take offence at anything i say.

i hope today is a better day for you.

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

thank you Amber, what you said means a lot to me, you make me smile and laugh too, i often feel like my story is nothing in comparison as to what you and LR have gone through in your lives, i feel so ashamed that i am carrying on about small things when you and LR have had such traumatic things happen to yourselves.  i know everyone has a story though, and i thank you and LR for listening, as well as anyone else reading this forum thread.

BB contacted me to offer to get me help for my anxiety problems (mental heath professionals in my area), but i am just to affraid to try for change, i feel comfortable with the current situation and don't want to change it, at the moment i jsut like to post on the forum, and would like to leave it at that.

Amber i like your thread on Mindfullness, it is a good read, i think maybe you should write a book on your exeriances in life and how you have managed to overcome the challenges handed to you in life, who knows it might help someone, just a thought.

your website seems to be going great, i have read the blogs, and the forums, it is good people are reaching out to others in the same situation, i am rpoud of you to set it up in the first place.  i think it will definitly help with your own recovery.

bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

He was frustrated that I put myself in a position to get hurt. He said I've been very distant lately I hate it :(

He's not getting help but he's never spoken about his issues except me so I suppose that's a start.  When I mean he makes me better, he provides me with a safe supportive environment for me to break down and allows me to work in myself.  But the wedding, my dad, his abandonment issues from being adopted and working a 7 day week was juatt a bit much for him. 

Thank u both of you for your reply. 

He has many broken fingers from punching doors, his anger is never directed at me just himself for reacting. He would never hurt me

The best part of the wedding was talking to my little brother, we are going to write a comic, he will write the story and I will draw the pics 🙂 

My family is so complicated and my father is such a horrible human being so my bf gets so frustrated why I let him upset me so much

sorry I haven't really got any input for your posts guys 😞 

[Little_Rascal]

I definitely think I am codependent, my partner is not, but everyones concerns are more important than mine

[jacques]

Hi LR,

i have the same problem, puching walls, it was out of frustration, not to hurt someone else, i never target my anger at anyone, but i have learned to control it some what, he probably feels like he can't protect you, or help you with your problems.

and the fact that he was calm shows that it was not aimed at you, but he will have to learn to control it, or turn his anger to something useful, now when i get frustrated i do weights, try to tire myself out, to burn off the excess energy from the anger.

it is good that you have a close connection with your brother, and i am sure it will be good for him too, having a older sister to interact with, i am an only child so i don't really know what having brothers or sisters is like, but it would be good for you mentally having close family.

as far as your fathers problems go, he should not burden you with his past problems, my father had a very hard life growing up in post war Germany, he was in homes when he was young and him and his mother never had any food, they lived on cabage and potatoe soup for every meal, his treat was a lard sandwich with raw sugar, his mother had to go back to work in the coal mine 2 days after giving birth.  but he never burdened me with his upbringing, he even protected me from how he had to live, as i only found out about his former life when i was in my mid teens.

everyones concerns are important LR, yours, mine Ambers and eveyone else on this forum, they may be different, but as i have learned over the past 6 months what events are trivial to others can be big to you.

look after yourself and i hope htings get better soon

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber & LR,

just checking in to see how you guys are going, i am finally getting over the flu, i haven't felt like typing but i have been reading other posts on the forum, LR are things settling down after the wedding? Amber how is the UNI and parties going?

anyway i just thought i had better post something, bye guys

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Both,

LR - Thanks for clarifying about your partner. I was a little concerned to begin with. I can imagine though how frustrating it must be for him to see you to be treated unfairly by your family.

J - I'm glad to hear you're getting over the flu. You don't have to apologise for not chatting of late. We know what it's like to feel unwell. I'm glad that my posts make you smile and laugh as well. You deserve to have some happiness in your life. Please don't think for a moment that I think life is easy for you. I understand the challenges you are facing. If LR and I had a choice we would drive to your place and do all we could to get you out of the house and enjoying life again. You deserve friends who believe in you.

So the week has been a whirlwind of a ride. It was my partner's 40th on Tuesday. So I finally got to give him his present (a holiday in Cairns). I'd been keeping it a secret for so long I was excited to finally be able to tell him. We went out for dinner Tuesday night which was really nice. He's still getting over his cold too, but we had a really fun night. I had a glass of wind which, because I don't drink, got me really tipsy very fast. I think the medication also didn't help.

Uni is going really well. I got my 2nd assignment back and I did really well. Yesterday I had to do a presentation on what inspires me. I was so nervous about doing it, but then it went really well. Of course chocolate was on the list as one of my many inspirations, so I shared chocolates with everyone which helped with the nerves. I got really good feedback on this, so I was happy, and I'm glad it's over with now.

What have you guys been up to?

J - How is the crèche going? I bet most of the animals are growing up now, if they are still there. I forgot to ask you, did you end up listening to The Veronica's new song? What did you think? What are you reading at the moment? I've switched from Gifts of Imperfections to a romantic fiction for a bit of a break. I'm enjoying both books though. I realised half way through that I's actually already read Infidel. The joys of ECT, it's fried some of my memories!!!

LR - Have you still been gardening of late? I want to put a tomato plant and some strawberries in our back yard, so I need to find 5 mins to get to the nursery this week. I cant think of anything better than juicy strawberries on a hot day. Hopefully I will have some luck growing them:)

Hope you're both well xx

Amber

[AGrace]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to share the roller coaster that was my morning...

In fact it began last night at 8:30 when, because I'd been awake since 4am, i noticed myself getting tired and irritable at the simplest of things. Eventually I figured sleep would be the only cure so i headed off to bed, only to wake up at 3am feeling just as irritable. 

So my mind went into how can i fix this mode, after all being irritable isn't pleasant.  I started reading, i tried to get back to sleep, i wrote on the forums, i had breakfast, smoked 8 cigarettes, drank 3 cups of tea, all the while noticing that what started off as irritability had turned into anger followed by rage, which led to a whole heap of negative thoughts and judgements, which led to tears and feelings of being stupid, which led to guilt and shame and thoughts of not being good enough. It was like the roller coaster was just on a continual downward spiral. 

My partner had to leave for work but noticing tears and tissues he asked if i felt like doing some mindfulness. Of course my first reaction was "as if that's going to fix me! " I decided i had little left to lose, so i wondered, head bowed in shame and worthlessness up to my bedroom and started searching fora tara brach talk to listen to. I came across one on youtube about duck meditation called Cultivating Equanimity.  If you haven't already heard it, lay down in quiet with your eyes closed and listen to it. 29 minutes later and I'm smiling looking forward to the rest of my day.

I hope you enjoy.

Amber