panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[Little_Rascal]

I think my adhd diagnosis was actually bpd I just craved attention and affection, high IQ but little concentration to focus is as I was more creative. 

So glad u got some decent sleep, makes such a difference. 

Take it easy.  

Cas

[jacques]

Hi Cas,

 thats great you and your partner have a business, don't worry about the memories, it's funny what brings them back, you never know from time to time what you will remember, since i have missed all of my twenties all i have is memories from my early and late teens, i don't really remember anything of my twenties up to about 30, i suppose their is nothing to remember, all i did was sleep and stair at walls the whole time.

it is funny that no lady has ever paid any sort of attention to me, not even look at me, maybe it is because of my weight, because i am ugly, or because i am shy, i don't know, it hasn't helped i have not left the house in 13 years, but on my morning walk people seem to be so scared of me in my town, it might be the anxiety being taken as aggression,, i don't know.

you are right about the dolphins, and i think some wales do the same, but on the most part they are not killing other animals for fun, unlike humans, who seem to get enjoyment out of killing each other.  i don't know, maybe i am only seeing the good side to animals, maybe all living things are inherently cruel. 

i have always gone quiet when i feel uncomfortable, sometimes i even freeze like a statue, i actually had an elderly lady recently thought i was a  mannequin, i felt so embarrassed, whenever i go out my mother does nearly all the talking because i am unable too.

i have not been too intelligent throughout my life, but because my mother and i was on the verge of being homeless about a year ago, i had to teach myself fast how to fix things because we could not replace them, (ie, plumbing, building, etc), it is amazing what you can learn when you are forced to.  sometimes i feel very lucky that i am poor, because if it was not for this i would not know the things i know.

i hope you are able to get to sleep the whole night, i have the same problem too, it is so hard to get to sleep and when i do, i end up waking about ever 1-2 hours, and then i am awake from about 5 am, it is so frustrating, then i feel so lethargic throughout the day.

anyway bye for now

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi LR & J,

Can I just say you both make me laugh, in a good way of course;)) It's nice to have a smile on my face so early in the morning.

J - I like how you've already discovered what I will say, for instance with your over generalising comment, you obviously now know me very well:) Yes, I agree there is a lot of devastation in the world. Learning about dialectics also enables me to see that there is also a lot of good in the world at the same time. One of my favourite images from the weekend was seeing the hot air ballooning over Albuquerque. Sometimes it's just the simplest things that can make up for all the destructive behaviours of humans.

LR - You think your questions are strange. My boyfriend now lets me allocate 20 minutes to weird questions every night over dinner. He had to put the restriction in place because of the frequency of the strange questions I ask just out of the blue. When we first met I asked him if he was an axe murderer. He simply replied that if he was, would knowing beforehand actually help me. This is definitely one thing you and I have in common. I know it's the fear of abandonment, but I'm forever asking him strange questions about his past relationships too.

A world without humans J. I'm not sure about this one. I guess it existed before we arrived, but who would document all the weird, crazy, and wonderful things that happen on this earth if we weren't here. Besides I think the invention of the internet is one of the best things mankind has achieved. Without it, I wouldn't get to chat with you two. I'm not sure that Espresso and Latte could have put their brains together and come up with anything so incredible. You're right though, nature is pretty spectacular!

LR - Do you mind me asking what kind of business you run? Maybe I should garden more often. I'm still trying to work out what hobbies and interests I actually enjoy. Between that and my values, they're two very difficult questions to answer.

Yep, stunning in every picture!!! Thanks for your kind words:)) I once kissed my best friend just to get rid of a particular guys attention, if only I'd known at the time, that he found this more of a turn on than a turn off. You're right J, some guys can be pretty chauvinistic, but there's a few good one's out there. I think I'd put you in the good category. Any woman would be lucky to have you in their life.

I hope you both have a good start to the week. Laugh lots!!

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber and LR,

Amber i am glad i made you laugh, better than making you cry, sorry about that (the Documentary), i hope you had a good day, learned lots i suppose.

i don't know that some good in the world makes up for all of the terrible things humans do to each other, but i agree it is funny how the little things make you look in amazement, i am not overly concerned with what good people do, i just wish people would do their own thing and leave everyone else alone.  i see so much hatred in the religious world and i often wonder whether atheist's are the only peaceful people on earth, all of the religious family are so full of hate, it makes me exhausted just listening to them.  i also wonder how the world would be if their was no money, no oil, no resources, and no need for competition. surly there has to be a time in the past were humans were able to work together instead of against each other. i don't know maybe i over think things too much.

i often wonder if Latte and Espresso have a better life than me, they eat, drink, play and sleep, no worries, no stress, just have fun.  i was watching their "cousin" this morning playing with a tree, scratching and nudging the branches and thought how happy he must be just to enjoy the day with no concern on how to pay bills, how to buy groceries, and all of the other stresses in life.  i often have so much fun just diggin in the garden too LR and Amber, their is nothing like gardening, i planted some potted colour on the weekend, just to give the garden some colour. they have already grown, and it has only been a few days, watching the bees and frogs enjoying the garden gives me so much joy, why can't i get the same enjoyment interacting with humans.

sorry this has turned into a "full on" message, as i have said in previous messages i always focus on the negative, and have no way of seeing the positive in life. you too are so lucky to have wonderful partners and families that are supportive, and are able to enjoy at least some of your lives, and are able to cry, i have not been able to cry in over 15 years, i get upset but unable to show this emotion, i think being so numb  to life has made me bitter and unable to show any emotion, maybe this is why people are so scared of me in this town.

anyway i am rambling on, i hope Amber your Uni goes well this week and i hope LR you have a good week too, Amber you have a hobby, reading it is a wonderful hobby, a good time waster, takes your mind off your worries.

bye U 2

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

I tried to reply and got a system error AGAIN 😞 I wrote it in an note but my phone also crashed aaahhh. haha.

Glad to make you smile 🙂

I would definitely class you as one of the good ones!!! my bf gets the same reaction from people, they think hes aggressive but hes just a softie at heart.

The difference between humans and animals is we have a conscious, we know what we are doing is wrong, animals are a bit more innocent like that. Although I do question this when my ferrets stare at me when they poop where they shouldn't then run off dancing.

I love being able to fix thing on my own, it feels like a real accomplishment doesn't it 🙂

Amber that's great to hear i'm not the only one, what other questions do you ask??!!! I ask questions about his past relationships too... he only had one serious 7 year one and many "flings" I ask strange questions at inappropriate times its bad haha I haven't really been engaging too much lately my head has been such a mess, but me and my fella spent the weekend building the simpons lego house and that was so much fun hehe

We have a tinting business, he tints and Ive taught myself accounts, its so great because I don't have to worry too much about turning up or not, i'm on my own schedule so if I cant face the day I just get him to bring the paper work home.

I finally found my passion in gardening after years of different trails... from electrician, to art teacher to psychiatrist to biology to sustainable developer, event co-coordinator,  then finally after needing a quick job I worked as a gardener and fell in love then studied horticulture. Best decision ever, I was going to go into business with a gf I used to work with, but then we pretty much got given the tinting business and I was not confident enough to make a decision, My fella needed me here and I couldn't bare the thought of him working closely with another woman haha so lame. I trust him 100% but insecurity can't be controlled.

I was very numb for a few years too J its the worst feeling watching others feel and react to your non reaction.  I hope talking to us opens up something.

I have so many blisters on my hands havnt slept much since Thursday and decided it was a good idea to mulch my front yard and wiper snip the weeds with no gloves in the middle of the day!!!

take it easy 🙂 Cas

[Little_Rascal]

I'm at work right now and can't even process a proper thought aahhh and can't go home because my bf is on a course. my tongue also feels too big for my mouth from dehydration from the new meds, and my insides feel like they are vibrating.  yeiks !!!

[jacques]

Hi LR,

Sorry to hear the medication is not going so good, i have the same problem with dry mouth too,  i also have some other not so pleasant side effects, twitching, nausea, dizziness, etc. 

You are so lucky to have your own business, and be able to work your own hours too!!! 

Thank you Amber and LR for classing me in the good category, it is a shame i will never be able to meet a woman, but such is life i suppose, looks i am destined to be single my whole life.

Yes, their is a thrill being able to fix something you know nothing about, a real sense of achievement, especially considering  sleep all day most days.

Good on you teaching yourself accounting, i have been trying to do the same, i hope the tinting business works out for you and your partner, i often wonder if i would have ever been any good at running my own business, but am unwilling and unable to do so.

After talking to yourself and Amber for a while now, i have realized you two are my only friends that i have had in 14 years, i know it sounds strange, but it feels weired to be talking to someone for such a long time without cutting contact, like i usually do, but i seem to find it easier to talk to you two, especially through this forum, i seem to prefer writing than talking, i seem to feel safer or something, everything i have said on this forum is only the tip of the "ice berg", but what i have told you is things i have told no one my whole life, not even family know half of what i have told you two.

LR i hope the rest of the day you were able to get back to work, i know how frustrating it is trying to concentrate but are unable to, i have been trying to teach myself how to do computer programming which requires extreme concentration, but because i am unable to i have had to stop teaching myself until another time.

I have not been able to have any emotion for about 15 years now, i don't know if i will ever get it back, it is probably a good thing that i have no emotion and are numb, because if i did, i would be crying all day every day, talking on here makes me think about all of the things i have missed out on though my adult life, and looking at the fact i will be like this for the rest of my life, i think i would be in a very distressed state all of the time.

You two are the most amazing people, wiling to spend time talking to me, even though i must frustrate you but you talk to me anyway, i have never met anyone as caring as the both of you, i am surrounded by so many angry people.

Bye

Jacques

[Little_Rascal]

Yup my bf was born under a lucky star I think!

I can't work a normal job because of all my ailments, ibs, head stuff and girly problems 

I would feel a lot better if I did a course or had a better memory.  I forget things often.  One lovely taxi driver(who was a surgen in in country) told me once that I remind him of his daughter, not to be so hard on my self, that my brain works a lot faster than my body so thats why I forget where I put something or got toldt 5 secs ago.  

There areon

[Little_Rascal]

Whoops it's obvious I shouldn't use my phone after drinks! 

Amber u said stunning on every picture that's been on my mind stunning in real life too yeah??? 

You only frustrate me a little because u have so much to show. I want to say give but I know how u feel and there's nothing left to give, but  u have so much, I wish everyone could see how we see u. 

BeBelieve me I am a very angry person, white knight could tell through a very tonned down post how angry I was and suggested anger management.  On  Friday my psych could feel my agitation and also mentioned anger management.  

My moods are very influential and quickly changing. I love to garden for the physical exhaustion 🙂 

Sorry for the many posts bad sleep since  Friday ... 7-8 hours sleep maybe? 

[jacques]

Hi LR,

sorry to hear you are having trouble sleeping, i hope it gets better soon, i am struggling to see myself as anything other than a burden, a burden to my family, a burden to society, that is all i have been my whole life, i may be able to do small things for people but that does not justify the burden i am on everyone, but thank you for seeing me another way, it is much appreciated.

i just wish my moods too would stabilize, i suppose you are the same, i can be in a normal mood and snap in an instant if i see something that upsets me, on the news or on activists websites i visit frequently.  it is so sad to see the way the world is heading, we seem to be going backwards not forwards.

i agree and i do the same, i will do anything to exhaust myself as to not think which relieves the anxiety a little, and helps me get to sleep quicker than normal, lucky for me the last couple of nights have been good, i have managed to get a full nights sleep.

i got a phone call last night about one of mum's' friends needing help with a computer problem, i freaked out started shaking and sweating, but it is funny how well i am able to hide the severe panic attacks from others, no one picks up on the fact i am panicking. 

anyway i hope you manage to have a better day today.

Bye

Jacques