panic attack at seeing people i know

jacques · ‎05-06-2014

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

Little_Rascal · ‎28-09-2014

You have no idea how inspiring this post has been. Sorry to kinda just interrupt, but I'm so glad you two have formed such a connection! I don't have full on agoraphobia but at times when everything's going bad, I feel like I physically can't leave the house with out my bf, or sometimes I can't leave even when he's with me. The idea of seeing my friends makes me sick. I can see such a huge change between your first and last post 🙂 you can't decided if you are worthy enough for someone to talk to, that's their decision. And when your out, people probably only think about you for a second, if at all, my fella always brings up the analogy of waking up from a big night and feeling so ashamed if you acted like a fool, only you remember every detail, the others don't even remember, they are more than likely feeling the same and focused on them selves anyway.

Keep up the progress, your attitude is so much more positive 🙂

Amber I didn't realize thinking you were a character in a book was a bpd trait .... I used to do this with baby sitters club and movies, I was convinced something I saw on TV happened to me and was so angry at my mum for not responding. Thank you for that insight

jacques · ‎28-09-2014

Hi FeralCas,

please don't feel like you have interrupted anything, i will talk to anyone on this forum if they post here, i don't know if their has been a big change, just more of my posts being edited, it has been good though to talk about something other than my future plans, you are lucky you have a BF to support you, i have nobody, i have no friends and family is too far away to be of help, i only have my mother and that's it

I have become numb to what my family and my mothers friends say to me, and even though it makes me uncomfortable to have people staring at my shaking hands i understand why they do it, it is unnatural for a grown man to shake uncontrollably.

I rarely leave the house, outside of my morning walk, i only leave the house maybe once a fortnight to pay bills that it. and even that i am trying to pay online so i don't need to leave at all.

Thank you once again for the kind words, please feel free to chat anytime.

Bye

Jacques

AGrace · ‎28-09-2014

HI FeralCas,

You're right, Jacques is a pretty inspirational kind of guy:) I'm glad that you "interrupted". It's great when people can relate to others' experiences, and I think connecting with others who have shared similar experiences is a really effective coping strategy.

I don't know that Marsha Linehan or the DSMVI would agree that assuming the role of a fictional character is a BPD trait. I guess what I link it in with is the known fact that people with BPD tend to assume alternate identities because there is such a sense of not knowing who you really are. Hope this clarifies:)) BTW I used to read the Babysitter's club books too, gosh you've brought back old memories, I think that was over 20 years ago.

Amber

AGrace · ‎28-09-2014

Hi J,

I think I had a piece of chocolate for you and everyone else that was within a 5km radius!! Thanks for the hug, sorry to have vented a bit. I have since gotten over my tantrum, putting distraction to the test.

I'm still hoping to do some public speaking therapy I just think I'll hold off a little while. Perhaps there was some meaning to the Psych saying that she didn't think I was ready. I have to say I took 10 steps backward in a matter of minutes, which I guess is normal, as I'll always be me, and being highly reactive is part of my nature. One of the emotions that I feel in a heightened way is anger, and I go from 0-100 in a matter of moments. In hindsight it was good to see how easily I can still be triggered because it's given me insight into trying to keep my life stress free.

It's interesting that you mention the uni counsellor. On the first day of my course the lecturer said "We really encourage you to seek support for yourself when needed, as you can imagine, learning to be a counsellor shouldn't be a form of therapy for you." The funny part was, she looked at me the whole time she said it. I guess I can speak to my Psychologist (who is soooooo much nicer) about some other options, but thank you for the suggestion.

So I had a rather traumatic experience today. I've spent the weekend housesitting my sister's place, which is in the middle of a bushland suburb outside of Melbourne. This morning I discovered that their cat had caught a baby rabbit, and was gourmandising it. I had to pick up the rabbit and put it in a garbage bag. I then gave it to my partner to put in the bin. Moments later I walked outside to witness my partner putting that same rabbit to sleep as it hadn't died in the attack. I cried for half an hour. Although I know he had to do it, to stop it's suffering but perhaps living on a farm will have to wait until I get some more guts:)

What's been happening for you? Despite my tantrum, I feel like it's been a little while. I've had issues with our internet so I haven't been able to dedicate much time to the forums at all this last week. What did you get up to this weekend? Any sign of you moving your Dr's appointment a little sooner?

I hope that you are well, and thanks again for supporting me through my tantrum:)

Amber x

Little_Rascal · ‎28-09-2014

It's crazy how much I relate to both of you! Please don't give in/up Jacques!! These forums have helped me heaps 🙂

O just did a bit more research in to the disassociation aspect of bpd and it makes so much sense and explains a lot. I get very emotional or emotionally detached, confused by reality, and like you, anger is my first response! You're so strong!!!

The books were very dominant in my dreams last night sso crazy haha!

I hope the rabbit incident wasn't too traumatic, we had to put an axolotil to sleep after her insides came out, that was not a good time at all 😕 but I became very detached and sarcastic.

You both give me hope seeing your progress. 🙂

jacques · ‎28-09-2014

Hi Amber,

it is good to see you are over the tantrum, it never ceases to amaze me how other people don't realize what they say can have such a huge impact on the person they are speaking to.

i have the same problem with over reaction, and sometimes i think i read into what people say too much, and i also have the same problem with anger, this is the only emotion i can show, i haven't cried in over a decade and am unable to show any other emotions, or even emotional attachments to anyone, i always keep everyone at "arms length" i don't know why that is, i am able to go from being "normal" to being angry in a snap, and it often takes me days to settle down, i don't know how you managed to settle yourself so fast.

oh my gosh, if that upset you please don't get a farm, unless it is going to be a rescue farm, animals die every day on farms, it is just part of nature, about a year ago the farm beside me had around 20 sheep killed by hunting dogs in the area, i told my mother to ring the care taker to let him know, it was not a nice scene, but that is how nature works.

i saw a farm on better homes and gardens on Friday night, they rescue animals that people don't want and give them a loving home for the rest of their days, maybe this is what you and your partner could do;)

not much happening, sleeping a lot, and have little to no energy, i feel like i am 90 years old, i think the elderly could run rings around me at the moment, this weekend i finished trimming the last of the trees, fixed the car and thats about it.

no i won't see the doctor until the end of November, their is no need and i will just be wasting hi time, as i don't really want help, i just want the edge taken off of the anxiety, which the medication is doing, i am so scared because the anxiety makes me think twice before i do anything, stops me from doing stupid things, not to mention i really struggle with stress and in the last 3 months i have been relatively stress free, for the most part. sorry i know you are trying to get me help, but it's just not going to work, as i have no desire to get help or to have a future.

my sole purpose in life is and always will be to care for my mother in her old age and that's it, if i can make it that far.

you are welcome Amber, i just wish their was more i could do for you.

hope the next week is kind to you:)

Bye

Jacques

jacques · ‎28-09-2014

Hi FeralCas,

sorry i forgot to add, please seek help for the agoraphobia before it is too late, i have gotten to the point where i have given up and don't want others to be in the situation i find myself in now, the quicker you seek help the better your chances at managing the anxiety.

you should see Amber as an inspiration not me, what she has gone though and experienced surpasses any thing i have experienced and she still has the willpower to continue on, as should you.

i have the same problem with detachment and sarcasm, this is partly why i try not to speak to too many people, i have been disconnected from society for so long and i always find the negative in everything, anger is a way to make myself feel better.

i have been isolated from society for 13 years, with little to no contact with the outside world, please don't allow yourself to get to my stage where you can't go out even if you want too.

i am happy that you have joined Amber and I

Bye

Jacques

jacques · ‎30-09-2014

Hi Everyone,

had a shocking night last night, spent the night panicking about Christmas again, i am so sick of this, i have to be the only person that hates going on holidays, i just can't wait for it to be over, and be back home, i can't believe my life has turned out this bad, this is no life really, i just wish it would all stop, or at least just get a break from it.

bye

Jacques

AGrace · ‎30-09-2014

Hi J,

So I won't break into carols today and annoy you with "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year". I'm going to be a party pooper instead and refer you back to your previous post, it's a bit edited but it went something along the lines of "There's not point trying to help me, I have no desire to get help or have a future." So what's a girl to do when faced with the Jacques who doesn't want help, and the Jacques that needs a break from his nightmare? :))

If it makes you feel any better (definitely not intended) I now have a new wake up time...4am!!! So I was probably up when you were, wishing I could go back to sleep, knowing that I wouldn't. In stead I came up with a new inspirational quote. I've added it to the thread, but I'll repeat it just for you. (As a trainer I was taught repetition is the mother of all skill) "Wanting is worthless without willingness." Anyone would think I had you in mind when I put poetry in motion, but instead I was willing myself to get out of bed because I wanted a Cigarette. At least I can say you both bring me the same amount of joy!!

Before I get down to the nitty gritty, can you just write on a piece of paper what you want to do for Christmas. At least this way it will be out of your subconscious and I won't have to resort to any Freudian techniques.

So how are my calves? I haven't heard about Espresso or Latte for a little while. It's ok for you, you get to see them every day;) Any news on the piglets?

I agree I'm probably not up for running a farm, I just felt so sorry for this little rabbit with his eyes hanging out of his head. It's funny though because it was our last day at my sisters, and it was like the cats were bringing us a thank you gift for looking after them. It was however, very nice to be amongst Australian bushland for a few days. The change of pace and scenery did me the world of good.

Sadly I came home to still no internet, and it's only just been repaired now. God knows how much my mobile data bill will be when it comes in!

So, I've been meaning to ask you, have you heard The Veronica's new song? I know it's probably meant to be about a disastrous relationship but I think it would be a good one for you to sing at the top of your lungs to your anxiety and fear. See if you can listen to it on youtube.

Are you feeling a bit better yet? Perhaps you can write back to me, only good things to help cheer you up.

A...The inspiration

jacques · ‎30-09-2014

Hi Amber,

no not feeling better yet, spent the whole day either sleeping or eating, i feel like thowing up, but oh well, gives me something to do.

this will be a short message as y hands are shaking so much.

sorry i forgot to tell you espresso and latte have been sold on with their mothers, i hope they have a bigger paddock to run around in, and as for the pig, she is still not back from her "honeymoon" yet, so you might have to wait 9 months for some news, she should be back at the farm next week, should be fun watching her splash around in the mud again.

no i have not herd the new verincia's song i will listen to it tonight.

i know i said i want a break, what i meant was i want a permanent break, not to have to wake up to worry any more. wishful thinking, my life in the past 6 months has been the same, you have achieved so much, even aggy seems to be moving past his problems, i thought comming on this forum might help me but it often feels like it has made no difference, but with my OCD i check it several times a day.

i am finding it hard to type, so i will bid you goodnight, will send another message when i feel better, and the anxiety subsides a bit.

Bye

Jacques

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