panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

my mother was one of 7 children also, what is it with large families and heavy drinking and gambling, both my grandparents were either drinkers or gamblers, i know what you mean about felling disgust at your father hugging you, i have the same problem, when i have to see family members at weddings or funerals they are always wanting to hug me, and when they do i just freeze, i can't stand physical contact of any kind, when i was a kid thats all i wanted, now i don't want anyone to touch me.

Amber that is terrible he said it was your fault for his affairs, all i can say is, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!, it often interests me from a psycological point of view what makes people blame others for their misdeeds, i have never had the need to blame others for my problems, even when i was abused in primary school i aways saw everything as being my fault, even now i see the situation i am in and know it is my fault and mine alone, yes my parents could have tried to help me when i was younger but, when i had the capability to receive my own help i didn't, at any point in the past 20 years i could have gone to the doctor and said i have a problem, pease help, but i never took the opportunity when i had the chance to turn my life around.

well it looks like another long night, i have been trying to get to sleep for the past 1.5 hours but to no avail, so it looks like i will be watching the stars out my window for the rest of the night, no i don't take sleeping tablets, just the ones for anxiety.

i know what you mean about sleeping during the day, i started sleeping during the day to make the years go by quicker, but i have found now that i am tired all of the time, as soon as i wake i want to go back to sleep strait away, and even though i sleep during the day and night i only get an hour her and their, never a full 8 hours.

no i don't write down all of my thoughts, there is no need, they are the same thoughts every night, i know them so well i could quote every thing i panic about word-by-word (sort-o-speak).  i have tried giving myself time limits on panic, it never seems to work, especially when i wake up in a panic, because i am so confused being woken up it takes me a few minutes to realise whats going on.

Amber you don't need to make me laugh, not many things do, but you made me smile with your cmments on Aggy's page about the difinition of embarressment, i don't think i could ever top that:)

anyway might read some more posts

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i am not sure what i panic about, sometimes it will be about the past, other times it will be about an impending appointment and other times i can't make any sence of what it is.

last night i tried to focus on the panic, then i tried to focus on something else to take my mind of the panic, then i tried breathing excercises, then i gave up and came onto BB forum until it passed.

you mentioned that you will not be able to forgive for father for past misdeeds, have you thought about not forgiving him for the past but "make a mends" with what he has done, and try to make the best of the future time with him.  you don't need to violate your moral values just because you have some sort of relationship with him, it is great that after all the trauma you have suffered from him you are still able to talk to him, so their must be some part of you that wants to have him around.

just remeber one thing i have learnt in life, no matter what our parents do to us or others they are still our parents, and we can't change that.

you said that you could never get validation from your mother, as you know from your illness we take out our frustration on the ones closest, maybe your mother was portraying her frustration form your fathers misdeeds onto you and your sister without realizing it?

i hope you are having a great weekend of freedom before your hospital stay:)

if i am overstepping the boundry ie with our fsmily problems, please just tell me to stop.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Good to hear I got a smile out of you!

I don't need to get you laughing, but they do say it's the best medicine, and Charlie Chaplin believed that a day without laughter is a day wasted. 

So you've already read my most embarrassing moment, the second most funniest was my sixth admission into hospital. The Psychiatrist was slowly starting to increase my medication, and one of the side effects was extreme cravings for sugar. I always have Cadbury chocolate on hand, it's my biggest weakness. So I had about 3 family blocks in my wardrobe. One night I must have had a craving in the middle of the night. I don't remember waking up, so maybe I was sleep walking. I woke up in the morning to discover that my bed and all my linen was absolutely covered in melted chocolate, all the way down to my feet. It didn't stop there. I then discovered that it was all through my hair, and covered half of my face. The worst part was that I was actually woken by a nurse, so she would have seen all the evidence. No doubt she wondered what it was. So I had to put all the hospital linen out to be washed. I then took my pyjamas and quilt discreetly down to the laundry. Unfortunately I decided to put them in the wash together, on a hot cycle. So when I returned to the laundry my quilt looked like something out of the smurfs. I had to carry my new blue quilt back to my room...I guess blue was better than brown. 2 nights later it happened all over again. Lesson learned, I had to hide my chocolate stash in a different place, so I couldn't find it in the middle of the night. Goodness knows whether I actually got to eat any. Goodness knows what the linen company thought when they had to wash my linen.

Another funny moment was the first (and only) time I got pulled over for speeding. I was smoking a cigarette. When The officer came over I was more worried about what I was meant to do with my cigarette.(I didn't have an ashtray) If I kept smoking I'd be blowing smoke into his face, but if I threw the cigarette out of the window, I'd be fined for littering. So of course he says "Did you know that you were doing 83kms in a 70 zone?" and my reply is "What should I do with my cigarette?" He starts laughing, and ends up letting me off with just a warning. I then try to start my car, and it doesn't start. So now I'm stuck on the side of the road with this officer and a cigarette that I have no idea what to do with. I held the butt for 40mins awaiting my friend to come and get me! 

A

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

so well done you made me laugh, thank you, it has been a terriable day, and this was helpful, i had read on another post of yours about the sllepwalking with the chocolate, but the cigarrette was funny, when i used to smoke i was so lucky i had an ashtray.

we had a suprise visit on the weekend from a family member, i don't know if it is just me but them being happy and talking about how wonderful their childrens lives are going, and it seemed to make me angry, i seemed to try everything to make her upset, i don't know why i just can't stand people being happy, maybe because i am not.

my mind has gone suddenly blank and i can't think of anything else to say. thank you once again for the laugh.

bye

Jacques

[CMF]

Hi Jacques,

just a thought with regards to writing down you thoughts. I understand you have the same thoughts every night. When I go over and over things in my mind and I have anxiety in write them down and then throw them away. When I write it down I'm removing it from my mind when I throw it out it's gone. I've cleared my mind of those thoughts and thrown them out. 

its worth a try?

[jacques]

Hi Can't Move Forward,

thank you for the sugestion, i will give it a try, you are right at this point anything is worth a try.

Bye

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

just one day until your hospital stay, please refrain from taking any chocolate;)

i am sending you a virtual cadburry block, you can enjoy that.

wishing you all the best.

i have found a book you might be interested in, i am thinking of purchasing it myself, it's "Self Esteem by Gael Lindenfield", she has written several other books too, might be worth looking up, in reference to your past with your parents.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hey,

God and there I was thinking, make sure you go to Coles tonight and stock up on chocolate:)) Are you refraining from supporting my habit?? Or are you just in support of keeping my linen and pajamas preserved? (HA, HA)

I know I haven't responded to all the questions in your last few posts, I will get round to that (please don't think for a minute that it's anything to do with talking about family, I'm completely fine with this - you know me, I tell it like it is)

I wanted to dedicate this post to a few things that have completely surprised and delighted me.

1. You smiled

2. You laughed (I thought you didn't know what happiness was?:) )

3. You are giving me advice ( I like it!! )

4. You are even suggesting books for me to read ( does this mean you are finding some of your tools actually beneficial? )

5. You're still chatting with me (You haven't pushed me away, I'd send you a virtual shove if you did)

6. You're still practicing some of the things you have discovered (listening to Tara etc)

7. Your most recent post makes no reference to having a really bad day (even if you did, it obviously wasn't your focus)

Don't mean to break it to you but I think you're making progress...:)) Do you actually like chocolate? I'm not sure what virtual gift I can reward you with??

Ok, I'll get to your questions ASAP.

Amber

[AGrace]

Hi J,

So it's been a couple of days, so I hope you are ok? 

The worrying part of me is hoping there's nothing wrong, the self centred part of me is hoping that you haven't refrained from posting because I'm in hospital, the funny part of me is hoping I didn't scare you off with too much positivity in my last post, and the uncertain part of me is hoping that you aren't trying to push me away. 

So you can pick A, B, C, or D?

What's been happening? How are you? 

Hospital going ok so far, just a little boring. They started reducing my medication tonight, and hopefully by Friday I will start the new one. So im on the edge of my bed in suspense waiting to see what happens. 

So you were speaking about my parents earlier, particularly my dad. Can I make amends? I don't think so. Is there a part of me that wants a future with him? If I had a choice, no. I think I speak to him because I feel guilty for being such a problematic child, the black Sheep, and I just don't want to upset the apple cart. If it were just my dad and I, I'd have nothing to do with him. I know I can't change who my parents are, but I can choose who I trust and respect, and he isn't in that category. 

No doubt my mother took everything out on us girls. I'm sure it was difficult for her. I recall all the sleepless nights filled with tears. But it ended up being her fault for trusting him over and over again. There's only so often the boy can cry wolf!  I know I may sound childish, but having no right to an opinion then has led me to form a very rigid opinion now.

I completely understand the anger at the friend. I wondered whether you went back to this scenario and did a bit of CBT?

The Activating event: A friend came over and was really happy and bubbly

The Beliefs (thoughts):  ?

The Consequences: Emotion: Anger, Physical Sensations: Tension, Urges/Behaviours: I tried to make her angry and unhappy

What were you telling yourself at the time? In other words what were the beliefs/thoughts in your mind? 

Is that how you do the beginning of CBT? Using the ABC method?

Hey, I also have some good news!  I was accepted to do a diploma of Counselling with ACAP! I start mid September. 

Anyway, I'm looking forward to hearing back from you. Take care J.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry about the last couple of days, i had to go into town and i saw two people i knew 10 years ago in ten minutes and i freaked out, luckily i was in the car so i didn't have to talk to them, but it has made no difference, i have been panicing ever since, i am in the middle of a panic attack now, i tried to go to sleep about 30min ago, but the anxiety was too overwhelming.

i am sitting in front of my laptop binge eating like i always do when i am anxious i am at the pont of throwing up, but it is my only comfort.

i wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up, i am just so over it, everyday is getting harder and harder, pressure from family, friends and the outside world is making things intollerable.

i am sorry, just venting, so i am happy for you to be able to train as a counciller and i hope one day you can go all the way and become a psycologist and more.

in reference to the beginning of your post, a lot from part A, a little from column B, and was hoping some of column D, you should focus on people who want help, i am going to be a drain on you, especially now you are getting your life together.

all that was going through my head when my aunty was here and she was going on about how happy she and her children and grandchildren were was "i don't care", "leave me alone" and "why is everyone able to have a normal life and i will never be able to".

i hate so much having to talk to family or people i used to know, they have all got forfilling lives and all i do all day is look at a wall and sleep. i can't get interested in anything, my concentration is non existant, my energy levels are that of a 90 year old, and the scary part is i don't care.

sorry Amber that this post is so intence, and i have not spoken about all of the things you asked me, anyway i might leave this post now and look at some others until i am exhausted enough to sleep.

Bye

Jacques