panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

Before I forget, I've been meaning to ask where your username comes from? Only that my partner is French.

Yep, love animals. After going to the zoo I think I'd be happy in life if I had a baby elephant in my backyard. Instead I have a fat black cat who is still suffering a bit of separation anxiety because we had to put her in the cattery while we were away.

I think it's taken me about 22 years to learn to either control the panic and anxiety, or just experience it, even if I'm in public, and pray for the best. It's funny how sometimes we have to hear something like 5 times before it actually sinks in. I'd add to this that I think I'm finally on the right medication. Although I know my Dr wants to change my antipsychotic next month.

Ok so I've done some research. We are born with 2 fears. The fear of falling and a fear of loud noises. All the rest we learn by experience or from watching other peoples reactions of fear towards something. Lesson learned, if I ever have a child I'll try to never show them my fear expression...there could be some hope of them not developing all my mental health conditions:))

So did the book arrive yet??

I'm going to have to start listening to some more of Tara's podcasts. I know she did one once where she spoke about the direct translations from various languages to English, and how often the message gets muddled up. This was quite funny.

You know what you said about the Psychologist and wasting their precious time? Do you really think it's a waste of their time if they're getting paid? My Psychologist works through Outreach from the Melbourne Clinic, and there are days when we hardly do anything. In the beginning I used to just cry the entire session, this lasted for about 6 months. Still she charged my health insurance $271, I don't think she was complaining.

I was mentioning to another forum member before that I'm starting to feel really guilty about not working. I see my partner come home from work every evening exhausted and I feel like I have to make up this massive list of all the things I did during the day so I don't sound lazy. The problem is as much as I like the idea I'm scared  about going back to work. I have this fear that all the anxiety is going to come back if I go back to work, and it will undo all the hard work I've done until now. I don't think I can tell my partner that I don't want to go back to work though. I bet he wishes that he didn't have to work.

Enough from me.

A

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

yes my user name is my real name, my father was German and loved all things French, so i got this name.

That's great you are on a medication that is good for you, i hope it continues to help in the future, and yes i agree you either have to control anxiety or experience it, unfortunately i have to experience it because i can't control it, it is good that you are able to control it though.

maybe you are right about the fear in children, i just over think things....

the book arrived this morning and i have read about 6 pages and plan to read it on the weekend, i am looking forward to reading it, it made the best seller list in NY.

I know psychologists and psychiatrists get paid no matter what, but their is many people out their that need and want help, and it gives me great anxiety to think that i am not able to help myself or talk to them about certain things and there is others out there that want and need help and are willing to help themselves and can't get an appointment because i am wasting the psychiatrist's time.

you will never be able to hide your anxiety from a child, both my mother and father suffer from anxiety, and i picked up on it even when they tried to hide what was troubling them, kids can sense everything, this is why i have decided that if i am lucky enough to ever meet a girl i will never have children, i could not allow another person so suffer what i have suffered. and maybe i am better off alone without a partner because they would have to suffer from my anxiety, i have seen what it has done to my mother, she is not the person she was since my anxiety has grown.

Amber you will be fine going back to work, and yes i know what you mean, i feel guilty about everyone going to work and me sitting around home waiting for the "Dole", it is not fair that others have to work for me, and i have always felt guilty about this, and that is why i agree when others call me a "Dole bludger", the worst thing i ever did after high school was to sit around and think, having time to think makes the anxiety worse, but i think you need to discuss this with your partner, he might agree that you need more time to recover.

Reading through those workbooks you recommended from the clinic in WA said you should expose yourself to the things that you fear, maybe you could go back to work part time? start with one day a week and see how it goes?

wishing you all the best;)

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I'm having a bit of a giggle, because the workbooks were for your benefit, and yet you are such a selfless person that you've taken some of the information and recommended it to me. Thank you:))

Trust me there are plenty of therapists to deal with all of our problems. It's not fair to you to think like that. Your concerns could be far worse than many other people and yet they're taking up a time slot that could've been given to someone else. Seeing a therapist won't be a waste for you, it will probably give you some alternate perspectives.

My GP did ask me if I was worried about passing my illness on to my potential children. I don't know if my answer is selfish, but I can't just be worried for my child. My partner is fit and healthy so I guess we've got a 50/50 chance. Despite not wanting them to suffer, do you think you would like to have a girlfriend? I think any girl would be lucky to have someone as brave and caring as you in their life.

Hey, have you ever read any of Aggy's posts? I think his thread is titled "Do You Ever Feel Worthless". You should search for it. You are both males around the same age, and both experience panic, anxiety, and agoraphobia. It could be useful to chat with someone who goes through the same things as you every day. I'm sure he'd be keen to chat with you as well.

Hope you're doing ok. 

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

i found i quite ironic too, that i am telling you to face your fear when i am not willing to do the same, i hope it was helpful though.

you are probably right i might get some new perspectives, but at this stage i am just unwilling to get help, sorry:(

i wasn't referring to passing on genes to the child i was talking about them mirroring your fears, i think a lot of my fears came from my parents and grandparents, a lot of anxiety i believe is learned from your surroundings.

thank you for the kind words, yes i would like a girlfriend, but i am unwilling to ruin their life like i have my mothers, i would only be a burden on them, and with my future plans it would not be fair on them to suffer after i am gone.

i have read Aggy's post, i just prefer to read others posts, i look at most of them and just prefer it that way, as i have said in previous posts i am just using this forum to say what i am thinking, a sort of diary.

i was reading through the previous posts and you asked me about whether i was

wanting to die to get relief, the answer is yes, i just want to be free of fear and anxiety and i just want to be at peace.

that book you referred to me is great, it is amazing how doctors are able to reverse what was thought to be incurable, i can't believe that a person can do research and learn about the human body and other medical professionals can ridicule them until it is unequivocal, medicine could be so far ahead if all people worked together instead of resisting medical breakthroughs. i have enjoyed reading it so far, i have read about a 1/4 of the book and i was hoping to read the rest this weekend but it looks like i will be doing gardening the whole weekend so i will read it next week.

Thank you for speaking to me for so long

Jacques


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[AGrace]

Hey,

How is the gardening going? Hopefully you've had ok weather for it.

Yes, it was very helpful. I think just like you're not ready to get help, I'm just not ready to go back to the demands of a job. My insurance company has requested a report and my medical file from my Psychiatrist just to check on my progress and determine whether I'm still eligible for salary continuance. She has advised me that they may request an external assessment too. Great, one more Dr to see.

Ok, so I do need some help with my website. Believe it or not I actually published it today, so it's now officially online:)) What I'm struggling with is trying to get my site to come up on google when I enter in the keywords related to the site, or the name of the site. Don't know if this is your domain, but I'd be really grateful for any advice.

Now all I need is some participants, so I'm going to have to do a bit of marketing I think.

That's fine in terms of Aggy's posts. As I've mentioned earlier, everyone comes to the forums for a different reason. I'm guessing I've now become a star feature in your diary:))

I'm just going to put this out there. You don't need to die in order to get freedom and peace from your anxiety and fear, you just need willpower.

I'm glad you're enjoying the book! Perhaps some of your neural pathways will start changing as you read it. I know it definitely made me realise how much the brain is capable of. I just wish I could get some of my memory back. I hate having that gap due to the ECT. I cry when I see photos from that time because it's like looking at a different person doing things I just can't even recall.

Ok, so no bad genes going to my child (although BPD can be hereditary), but I'll just be sure to put on my happy and carefree mask for the subsequent 18 years. My partner and I had to make the tough decision this week whether I would stay on medication during conception and pregnancy. We've both decided I will. But I am going to change to a new antipsychotic to try and reduce some of the weight gain caused by the current one. Who knows my child might have worse problems than mental illness.

You are very welcome, and thank you for chatting with me for so long too.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi amber,

if you want to get your web site onto google search, you need to go to goole search and type submit your site, and goto web site owner and you are able to submit your url for adding to google index, i hope this helps. 

congratulations

i wish their was another way for me to be rid of this fear and anxiety, but it seems i am backed into a corner i can't seem to find a way out, i have lived with this for so long i don't know any other way of life.

The gardening went well, but it rained the whole day so, that was not so pleasant, but got the hedges trimmed and sprinkler system installed, so it is all good.

i hope ll goes well with getting pregnant, and i am sure you, your partner and your future child will live very happily and i wish you all the best:)

i hope the info on your web site helps....

bye

jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

Glad to hear you got a lot done in the garden. My mum's an avid gardner so I have to admit that if I need anything done in our yard I usually get her to do it. Having the sprinkler system will be handy for summer. I can't believe winter is almost over yaaay:))

So I've had some difficulties over the last couple of days. My BPD symptoms have kicked back in and I'm just riding urge after urge. Yesterday I told myself I couldn't go to the bathroom until I had a shower, just to get me up and out of bed. Thankfully it worked.

I ended up going into the city to get some things for the sensory room, so I'll set that up today. I'm just trying to keep occupied.

Thank you for the advice on the website. I've now done this, but they suggest it will take a couple of days to kick in.

I had a Psychology appointment this morning and I was talking about the fact that I've suffered so long that I have little idea about what being well should look like. Of course I also fear that the stability I feel at the moment won't last forever.

I know you think that there's little hope of change for you, but many others have been where you are now and have still managed to get through. I still have faith that you can get better, or at least be able to manage symptoms better. Given that you have never really experienced a phase of recovery, I understand that it feels like there is little point in trying to get help. I do still wonder though, what do you think it would take to get that willingness back? What would you like your life to be like? What do you think you would have to do to get there? I wonder if you could answer any of these questions without going over your past experiences?

I hope you're still hanging in there. How is the book going?

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

you are so lucky being able to keep motivated, most days i spend only a couple of hours awake and then i have to sleep, only i sleep on and off so when i do wake i feel no different, i started sleeping during the day about 2 years ago trying to make the days go by quicker, but now i have trained my body so well that i can only seem to stay awake for a max of 4 hours before i need to sleep, my motivation is at an all-time low, i even have trouble getting up of a morning to exercise.

The exercise is the only thing i do per day now, the rest of the day is spent thinking or reading, not much else, so you should not be so hard on yourself about not doing much, you are doing plenty, you are actively seeking help for your condition, and trying to keep occupied, good on you:)

i to have also feared lack of stability, i fear that if i ever leave home and mum they won't be there, i don't know why, all i have ever known is mum, dad and me, even though i have extended family on my mothers side i have always feared that if something ever happens to mum and dad that

i would be alone and homeless.

the shaking seems to be getting worse, and i am starting to get more and more involuntary movements in my arms and feet, the lack of any feeling in my hand and feet is getting worse too, i don't seem to be able to feel any pain in them, I cut myself gardening the other day and didn't evenreally notice until I took my gloves off.

you are so lucky to be able to cry, i seem to have no emotional connection to anything or anyone, the only things i feel is fear and anger, i have not experienced the any other feeling for so long i can't remember what they feel like.

i have past the phase of wanting to get my life back, i have thought in the past what life would be like if it were different, but now i only ever focus on the end, i don't think anything at this point would make me want to get my life back., i don't like what the world is becoming, i struggle with modern society, i feel so disconnected from the outside world, that it all seems alien to me, even the news stories are so negative. 

Amber there are so many people on here that want help, you should spend more time on them and less on me:)......... i am a lost cause.

the book is amazing, i have been telling mum about it and she is going to read it after me.

Jacques

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

sorry if i sound like a broken record, you asked me to answer you question without going over what i have already said, but i often think about how life could have been and it makes me very frustrated that i have made myself this way, all of the things in life i have missed out on over the last 2 decades, life could have been so much better if i had tried decades ago to get help for anxiety.

Believe it or not i am still having severe panic attacks about Christmas, i have told my uncle i will not be going, i thought this would stop me from getting the panic attacks, but it has just made them worse, now my uncle and mother want me to still go, but i seem to get severe anxiety whether i go or not, i wish family would not make my life so difficult, i know they mean well, but they only make my problems worse. i don't want to go, i just fear being away from my mother.

i can't believe how good the book you recommended to me is, i am up to chapter 9, i have read how doctors are able to retrain the brain to help depression and anxiety sufferers, but reading the book i wonder how far along medical research could me if it were not for the doctors ego's, some of the doctors in the book took over 2 decades to even get their findings accepted, just because other doctors could not swallow their ego's and admit they were wrong, i find it hard to believe how easy it is to retrain actual parts of the brain, a few exercises over the day for several weeks could have such a dramatic affect, thank you so much for telling me about it.

I have enjoyed every minute of reading it.

Bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hey,

I don't think you sound like a broken record...just a CD set to repeat:))

I find it funny how every few days you decide to try and push me away. I don't know whether you start to feel guilt that someone is concerned for you, or if you just get it into your mind that there's no possible hope for you. I actually don't mind chatting with you.. I tend to think you find it difficult to accept that someone actually believes in you. 

If people can live in war zones, starving communities in 3rd world countries, in exile, or the worst prisons in the world and still have hope then I believe you can too. It's my impression that your loss of will has come too soon, I honestly don't think you have tried every possibility yet. If you don't want to talk about your illness, that's fine with me.

On a brighter note for the first time I actually heard excitement in your voice when you were talking about the book, and the things you have discovered so far. I think I almost heard you smile. It's nice that something has got you intrigued. On the topic of the book, I want to quote from your most recent post:

"I wonder how far along medical research could be if it were not for the doctors ego's, some of the doctors in the book took over 2 decades to even get their findings accepted, just because other doctors could not swallow their ego's and admit they were wrong, "

When I read this I couldn't help but be reminded of your situation. 

Anyway, I'm just glad that you're really enjoying reading it. Once you finish you might also like to read "Outliers" or "What the dog saw" (Malcolm Gladwell). They are really interesting reads. Norman Doidge has his own website and there are some radio interviews and the likes.

So Christmas, do your family actually know that you have an illness? Perhaps your mum could talk to them about treating you a bit more delicately, and then you may feel more comfortable going. 

I wanted to ask you have you ever done any therapy with animals? Perhaps google animal assisted therapy? You might just find being around animals a little easier than being around people. Animals have an amazing intuitive ability.

BTW you haven't made yourself this way. You have a pretty chronic illness, and the illness has caused you to be the way you are. Even with the illness you are still pretty remarkable, and you have so much more potential.

Are you still listening to Tara? I watched a podcast last night. In another post I'll share the story of the monkey.

Amber