panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[jacques]

hi AGrace,

thank you for being so understanding, i know that you are only trying to help, everyone is trying to help.  Anxiety is a terrible cycle isn't it, you fear the things that might make you better.

when you live in fear your whole life you don't know any different, i am finding lately that just being on this web site triggers anxiety, i can't sleep worrying about what i am saying in this forum.

And i think trying to leave the house over the past 3 months is making the anxiety worse even though i only leave it for 5-10 min once a week.

It is amazing when you have been locked inside a house for so long how the world changes around you?  i feel like someone who has been in solitary confinement for 10 years and then been released into the community, everything and everyone seems strange.

Even going down the street, seeing everyone going about their daily business, it seems like that life is for everyone else, i feel so detached from that sort of world.

The feeling of everything being a blur and the feeling of being a ghost in the crowd is so overwhelming, when i get home i can barely remember leaving the house in the first place, i suppose it is so traumatic with the anxiety my mind tries to protect me from it.

once again thank you AGrace and beyond blue for listening and your concern.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I'm glad you decided to reply, and stay with us.

I wondered whether you ended up buying any of the books that were suggested?

I'm also going to ask if you've ever tried mindfulness?

That's it for today, I'm so pleased that you've been pushing yourself with the CBT exercise of getting out of the house. I remember coming home after a few months in hospital and I barely recognised our street, so many houses had been renovated or demolished. It's funny how life just keeps ticking on no matter what.

Amber

[jacques]

Hi Amber,

Sorry i have not read the books yourself and dom86 suggested yet, i have been reading another book on anxiety called "Understanding Troubled Minds", and another book too, but i can't seem to find it in my book collection so i can't tell you what it is, if i find it i will let you know, it is an interesting book and i am planning to buy them in the next few weeks.

I have never heard of mindfulness, what is it?

since i can remember i have always lived in fear, i wonder where it comes from?

I often wonder whether i have severe anxiety and depression, or if i suffer from a low to mild form of Asperger's syndrome?

Is there any way to tell?.........

I will try to stay on this forum as long as possible, hopefully the anxiety doesn't get too much, but i will try.

thank you

Jacques

[jacques]

hi everyone,

I am in a panic at the moment because i have an appointment in a large town, i have been getting continual panic attacks for the past 3 days because of it. Their is no reason for the panic, it just seems to be my body's normal response to leaving the house now, it is amazing how a small change to my daily routine triggers this type of response.

anyway hopefully the tomorrow goes quickly and i can get back to the house.

i don't know how i will be able to handle being away from the house at Christmas for an extended period of time, maybe i shouldn't go, maybe i should give mum a break from me, and let her have a fun and happy time for a change.

anyway i will try to distract myself until tomorrow.

bye

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

I hope that today has gone ok. No doubt you were probably anxious, but I hope you made it to your appointment. If you did, you should be really proud:)

Probably best not to think about Christmas just yet, we've still got a few more months to go. Perhaps try to get some small things done between now and then. If you went to your appointment then it proves you can do it, even if you do feel panicked. I know what sheer anxiety and fear are like, and I know how much safer it feels to stay home and not bother other people so I can completely empathise with you. The one thing I used to take comfort in, was even if I was having a wild panic attack it wouldn't kill me. No one has died from Anxiety before, as horrible and scary as all the sensations feel.

Let us know how you got on.

AGrace

[jacques]

hi AGrace,

sorry i did not reply yesterday, my internet was playing up, well i did manage to go to the appointment, i had to spend the whole day in town, my hands were shaking so bad, and i saw people looking at them, they must have thought i had a physical disability, my heart was racing i could not control my breathing, i was either hyper ventalating, or holding my breath until i remembered to breath....

when i got home i could not get out of the car because i was so dizzy, and my legs were like jelly, it took about 4 hours when i got home to stop my hands shaking, i went to bed almost imediatly because i was so exhausted...

i woke up about 3 hours later with a slitting headache, and started panicing about what i had done, worrying if i conducted myself peoperly, worried about my hands shaking and my stuttering (when i am nervious i sometimes stutter).

in the shopping mall i was frozen in the spot, i could not move for about 10 minutes.

because i have not spoken to people in such a long time i found it difficult to know what to say, how to conduct a conversation...

i was stunned to  see how society has changed in the past 7 years, it is such a short space of time to leave the house, but i could not comprehend how people, things and shops have changed in that time, i bearly recognised the places i used to spend a lot of time in.....

i feel so detached from society, seeing everyone going about their daily lives and seeing all of the things my life could have been, might have been and seeing how hopeless my situation is, who in their 30's has never had a partner, never owned anything, never left home, never been away from their parents for the night and never had a job....

i don't know anyone?

it feels like i am on the outside looking into my life and seeing the train wreck comming and not knowing what to do, or how to stop it.

why is it the more i leave the house the worse the anxiety is becomming, i have really tried to leave the house for an hour per week, but it does not seem to help or make any difference?

thankyou for being concerned, and thankyou beyond blue for this valuable space to express ones self, much appreciated and valued.

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

I'm really proud of you. I get how difficult and stressful it must have been. You're still here though, and you get to tell the story. 

It will be harder in the beginning because each time you step out your mind will automatically focus on what happened last time, and it'll make the assumption that that will happen again, so immediately your amygdala kicks into gear and decides whether you should fight, fly, or freeze. It will be quite a process to retrain this part of your brain, but everytime you go you get a little bit further. 

It would only be natural to feel a bit disconnected from the outside world,  but reconnecting with places and faces will get easier. 

I know you're caught in this idea of being 30, still at home, with no partner etc. Rather than comparing yourself to others who haven't faced the same struggles as you, take heart in the fact that although they may be different, everyone has a cross to carry. I have faith in you that you won't be saying this at 40. You've come so far already. 

We tend to forget how self absorbed people are, I bet no one even noticed your shaking or stuttering. 

So how did your actual appointment go?

AGrace

[jacques]

hi AGrace,

Thank you  for taking an interest in my life, i find it very unusual to be saying anything, for years i never spoke to anyone, family, friends or strangers, i am finding it very unusual to be telling anyone about my life.

i have been trying to leave the house for the past 6 months, and i am finding it tougher and tougher every time, i don't think this will get better anytime soon, one would think this amount of time i should be getting use to it, but i still get all of the same physical symptoms.

i know i go on all of the time about being 30 and still essentially being an infant, having to get my mother to do everything for me, but i read some of the messages on all of the beyondblue forums and people 10 years younger than me have experianced so much in that sace of time and it is very difficult not to focus on how i have done nothing in the last 20 years, it gets frustrating and sadenning to see how little of my life i have actually enjoyed or experianced.

you might be right about no one noticing my shaking and stuttering, but when i see people looking at my hands it try so hard to stop them shaking but they just won't stop.

the appointment went ok, it was an appointment for mum and mum did all of the talking all i had to do was to sign some papers, it seemed to be ok in a one-to-one situation and as long as i do not have to talk i can manage to get through it, it all seems a blur now 3 days on, and i am still feeling the effects from it, i am trying to distract myself soo to not focus on it to much.

Jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques,

That's exactly why I think these forums are incredible. You do start to open up a little. I think the fact that you're speaking with a stranger makes it easier. I'm not here to judge you. You have your battles and I have mine. I am glad that you feel comfortable to talk with someone, it can get quite overwhelming trying to keep everything suppressed. 

Feel free to share as much or as little as you want. 

Sure there are people who have achieved loads in their short lifetime, but there are people in the world right now who's greatest achievement has been to stay alive, or to provide water for themselves. There are many who are less fortunate than us. 

What sorts of things do you do to reward yourself after an accomplishment like the one you achieved by going to the appointment? Positive reinforcement is a proven theory.

Do the symptoms carry on for some time because you are still thinking about how difficult it was for you? 

AG

[jacques]

hi AGrace,

I don't do anything to reward myself, i don't seem to be able to experiance any emotion, i am never  happy or sad, i haven't cried in years, haven't laughed in years either, the only emotions i seem to be able to experiance is anger and self pitty.

no the symptoms don't carry on because i am thinking about how difficult it was, i seem to worry that i have done something wrong or said something wrong, and i am terrified about seeing people i know, worried i will have to talk to them, i worry about having to drive.

i wish i could life life without living in fear 24/7, everything i do gives me panic attacks, i am even thinking about cutting contact with family (who i have only recently made contact).  I think it was a mistake to start talking to them, because i am always in a negative state and seem to make them upset.

i don't mean to, i can't think about anything good and happy to say to them.

i know that their is others that have a worse life than mine, and this too gives me great anxiety, i had a good childhood, my parents were wonderful, so why am i like this?

thank you

jacques