panic attack at seeing people i know

[jacques]

hi there,

i am trying to leave my home more regularly as part of CBT to try to overcome my arophobia as well as other anxiety related problems, yesterday i when down the street with my mother to pay some bills, while sitting in the car i saw someone i knew from highschool 15 years ago and had a full panic attack, (fast breathing, full body shaking, seating, wanting to vomit, wanting to get out of the car and run to the safty of home), i don't know if this person even recognised me because it was so long ago, i am always so frightened to see anyone i know, this is partly the reason i do not leave my home, it is made even harder by the fact i live in a small town.

 i seem to find it harder and harder to want to go out, even just to sit in the car.

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

Reading your most recent post made me think of a quote that I used to share with my sales consultants in my previous job...

"Always do what you've always done and you'll always get what you've always got"

Essentially it states that without change there will be no change. You've made one step towards change by posting on these forums and I cant help but think the underlying reason you find yourself here at Beyondblue is that you're desperate to get some help in trying to make changes to your circumstances. 

We are geared to think negatively, and recall negative events from our past. It's our brains way of trying to prevent us from getting into similar negative situations again, which the brain predicts could be life threatening. Its why we have the "fight, flight, freeze" response mechanism. The part of the brain responsible for this reaction is very animalistic and was more beneficial for us back in the caveman days, and less helpful now.

Since you commented that you enjoy reading, have you read "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge? Its an interesting and light hearted book about neuroplasticity. In other words we used to think the brain was hard wired and once neural pathways were set there was no possibility of change. There has since been too much evidence that demonstrates that on the contrary neural pathways can be rewritten. Our thinking patterns and actions can be changed.

My point in this post is it doesnt matter whether you've thought a certain way, or felt a certain way for 20 or 50 years, your brain still has the potential to do things differently with time and practice. 

Im not  sure what you will take from this but I hope it is something like possibility. 

AGrace

[jacques]

Hi AGrace

i thank you for suggesting the book, i will buy a copy and read it.

i do not know what i want, i know the brain is excellent at reprogramming it's self to change, but it is having the will to change, and i don't know wether i have it?

i often wonder if i am on this forum looking for change, or to talk to people with the same condition going through the same sort of things, or if i am looking for a reason to keep going.

i have lost any intrest in being alive a long time ago and have also given up on having any sort of "normal" life.

i just find it comforting in talking to people who do not make fun of me or who do not judge my curcumstances of situation because of my mental condition, all i have left in my life is my mother who is the only thing keeping me going.

just surviving as best i can hope for, for the short to medium term, everytime i think about making a change and try to overcome my anxiety i have severe panic attacks, (which is most nights).

it has been such a long time since i have had a day without panic attacks i bearly remember them.

[jacques]

hello everyone

i have just been watching the news and i find it odd that mental heath  professionals keep saying that anxiety and depression can be cured and your situation is only temporary?

i have lived with anxiety and depression all of my life and have had no face to face contact with anybody for 13 years, i would be homeless if my mother was not so kind as to let me live in her place, and i have no future prospects.

i have been waiting for a long time for things to get better, and the lesson i have learnt time and time again is things can always get worse.

i apologise if people find this post upsetting but i just wish mental health professionals can take into account that for some people with mental illness thing will never get better.........

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

I just reread some of your earlir posts in this thread to check the information so far.

Ok so youve sufferedcwith Anxiety for many years, you dont know if seeing a therapist is worthwhile,  yet you've only really tried this on a hand full of occasions. It can be expensive to see a Psychologist,  so I suggest you ask your Dr for a Mental Health Care Plan, whivh will give you 10 Psychologist appts free. It will be difficult to get there, your symptoms and thought will tell you not to. But you've already admitted that you dont want to live like this anymore! 

In terms of seeing your GP for meds, when did he last alter the type or dose? Do you have  medication to take during the day? 

I empathise with your struggles, I know how much effort it takes, 

[jacques]

Hi AGrace

you are right i have only seen a psyciatrist once for 30min and it was a disaster, when i first went to my doctor about my anxiety 2 years ago he automatically gave me a mental health care plan, but at the time i was unable to complete what the councillor expected of me so i put a stop to the councilling, i was never informed about the 10 free therapist visits, but this would make no difference as the psyciatrist i saw thought i was "Faking" the anxiety  because he sees so many people trying to get on dissabiltiy pension and thought i was too.

i do not know what i want, most days i spend sleeping to try and make the days and misery go by quicker, hoping most days that i will never wake up, most nights i spend in absolute panic.

my doctor has never in the two years changed my medication i only take 1 maximum dose of sertraline per day, he medication only takes the edge off the anxiety, and makes life for mum bearable, as before i started on the medication mum could not invite anyone to the house.

now she can, as long as i am in another room and do not have to speak to them, which seems to work, for the time being.

discussing this has triggered another panic attack so i will go now.

thankyou for your concern.

[jacques]

hi everyone,

i have had a very couple of days, my aunty came to visit my mum for her birthday, it triggered a severe anxiety attack, and to to it off my uncle invited mum and i to his place for christmas, great i haven't left the house in 7 years and everyone thinks i can just up and travel across the country without any problems. sometimes i wish i was an orphan so i did not hav eto deal with family, i wish everyone would just leave me alone. my ultimate wish would be to lock myself away in my home and have no contact with anyone, which is ironic considering i am posting this message. 

Looks like i will get not much sleep in the next six months worrying about this trip, it has already started i have been in a bad mood all day and have had to distract myself all day to hold off the panic, but now it is starting and i will focus on it until i become exausted tonight and fall asleep.

 why is it so hard for people to understand what it is like to suffer anxiety........

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

Sorry to hear that you've had a tough week.

I'm really concerned that from your posts I get the impression that there's a lack of willingness to seek some help. I understand severe anxiety,  as I'm sure many others here do. It's hard work just to live with it let alone try to recover from it.

I hear what your ultimate wish is I just wonder what you picture life will be like in 10 years time when you are still within the confines of your bedroom? It doesn't sound like it would be such a happy outcome.

I know you're talking medication, and I know you've had the run around with Psychiatrists and counsellors, but it doesnt stop there. You need to find an alternate Psychiatrist, one who believes you and is willing to work with you on your problems. Your medication needs to be reviewed and some gradual exposure therapy would be so beneficial. I don't normally force advice on to others but I can't stand the thought of you not getting to participate in life as a result of something that IS TREATABLE.

Christmas could be a good goal to work towards. I don't think you're family don't understand the anxiety, I think they struggle seeing you suffer on a daily basis without getting help. Are you taking anti anxiety medication during the day when panic attacks come on?

Jacques,  there are so many of us who have spent so many years in your shoes, and if only you could see us now. Slowly coming out of our shells and engaging in life again. You deserve this too, despite what your thoughts and fears tell you. Have you ever considered going into hospital to get some full time support? 

I guess this post is a plea for you to be willing to get some help.

AGrace

[jacques]

hi AGrace,

thank you for your concern, i am very humbled by it, but i think you should focus your attention on others on this web site who are willing and able to get treatment, as i will probebly never be able to get treatment because my problems are complex, i know it sounds silly but it is just something i will not be able and wiling to talk to anyone about.

i apologise if i have given anone the wrong idea about what i am hoping to achieve, i just thought it might help me talking to others that understand, but it seems to give me more anxiety talking and reading other peoples posts and i am starting to wonder wether i should have started speaking here at all.

maybe i should have just kept my thoughts to myself.......

Jacques

[jacques]

Hi AGrace,

Sorry for the secnd post, but for the past 24 hours i have been trying to decide wether to say this or not, so here goes, no i could not get full time hospital treatment because of my seperation anxiety, i have not spent a night away frm my parents since 1994, i was 12 and it was a disaster, i cried all night and was histarical, and from the age of 5, everytime i had to spend a night away from my parents (2-3 times that can remember) was the same other times i tried to go away for the night my parents had to pick me up late at night because i became too histarical, i have not tried to have a night away from my parents since 1994. and even the thought now makes me anxious........

 The close friends i had during school used to make fun of me because of this and from that point on i always made other excuses because of the embaressment of it, as far as i know i am one of only a handfull of people with this type of anxiety...

sometimes i wish my parents would have tried to get treatment for me when this started back in preschool so maybe things would have turned out differently for me and my life outlook and aspirations...

once again thank you for listening....

jacques

[AGrace]

Hi Jacques, 

The forums are for everyone, you can take from them what you wish.  If just venting to others is all you want/need at the moment that's perfectly fine. I do apologise if I made you feel like the only option is to seek help, this wasn't my intention. I think you've taken some very courageous steps by speaking out. Your thoughts are just as valid and valued as anyone else's on the forum. I can understand how anxiety can often take over.

I hope you will choose to stay with us, we're happy just to listen whenever you need. 

AG