In the matter of a couple of weeks my anxiety, overthinking and extreme overanalyzing has become more problematic. I feel weak. And ultimately I feel like a Prisoner trapped in my own mind.
I feel like a delicate antique cup. I feel like I am an easily triggered and very gentle person who requires a substantial amount of reassurance and tender loving care.
I get drained so easily for social interactions. I feel like such a failure because socializing to me has become a 'chore' or a 'duty' rather than something I should be doing for enjoyment/amusement.
I struggle with my sleeping. I have an abnormal sleep schedule. Eventually I succumb to afternoon naps, just to help me get through the rest of the day.
In romantic relationships, I get jealous.. I overthink, I never feel 'enough' and I tear myself apart. I have had relationships in the past with abusive men who have compared me and even admitted to admiring other women's beauty over mine. So naturally, I do get jealous.
I get triggered easily. I feel like I am not even 'functioning' as a human being at the moment. And I feel like my antidepressants are not exactly doing their job.
I'm struggling with my self esteem and I don't even feel like a 'rational' human being at the moment.
I feel so alone with my thoughts.
I battle with these negative thoughts on a daily basis. It becomes so exhausting. Eventually I just lay under my blanket on the sofa and watch television, because lately that has been my only comfort. I feel so stuck and so alone. I feel like I'm failing. I am on university break at the moment and I feel so lost and confused.
I am recognizing that I am also processing a lot of trauma. My mother was psychologically and emotionally abusive so that really modified my rational thinking. I remember getting yelled at as I sat in the bath, bawling my eyes out. As she yelled derogatory terms at me as I wept in pain and confusion.
I remember getting screamed at by my ex boyfriend at a supermarket as I made an innocent mistake and started having an anxiety attack. I remember how he shouted at me in his car, telling me how pathetic and immature I was because I got the trolley disc stuck in the coin dispenser.
Signed,
PF.
