My feelings

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

I have feelings that I have and when people don't respect them (if this is the correct word) I feel worthless. And when other people feel one way, I feel bad for not feeling that way, I'm sorry, that's the way I can explain, I 'm not explaining it well.

For example, at work, I'm the only one who wears a short sleeve tee shirt & everyone else complains about the cold, I feel the odd one out for not feeling cold. I have made the mistake of explaining but this just makes them angry, they don't want to hear this, I've even said, perhaps the area is too large an area to heat up, the smaller the room, the quicker it is to heat, or is this completely wrong!

I know, I know, I shouldn't say anything, I need to be prepared for the opposite reaction, because of this I don't want to talk at all, it's easy & no one needs to get angry if they don't like what they hear. I have been told though, if people get angry, it's a reflection of them not me.

I just worry about things I shouldn't!

[therising]

Hi JacintaMarie

It really sounds like you're trying your best to tolerate the moods and emotions of those around you. It sounds so exhausting. I think some people don't give any great consideration to how exhausting they can be at times, regarding their attitude or moodiness. While some folk can manage leaving their troubles at home, not bringing them into work, or some can manage leaving their work problems at work and not taking them home to their family, others have trouble managing such a challenge. Managing such things can be hard at times. The question remains 'What do the people at work deserve or what do the people at home deserve?' The answer can simply come down to...they deserve better than what they're possibly getting. You deserve better JM.

To offer a different perspective: What if a new staff member was to come into where you work. Imagine they would not tolerate moodiness from anyone they worked with. Also, imagine they are the happiest person who is so enjoyable to work with. Now, imagine the issue with the blind being moved. The new staff member may say to the co-worker who goes off about the blind 'It's a blind, just put it up or down and get on with your job and stop making everything largely about you! You're agitating people'. With imagining this, would you say your co-workers enable moody behaviour? Do they suggest 'Oh, that's just her', which is a very enabling attitude? It's an attitude that permits someone to continue treating others rudely.

I have someone at work who's in a higher position who has developed an attitude which reflects they no longer care about their job in the way they used to. I think they've even grown to hate their job and I can understand why. They're snappy and don't often wish to help others manage in the ways they used to. Some of my co-workers have decided to no longer approach this person unless they really have to. It's a shame because they're basically a nice person but this doesn't take away from the fact they've become unapproachable in a working environment. JM, it's not necessarily our fault that someone we work with is unapproachable. I think it becomes our challenge to not tolerate their attitude and sometimes even question it. Can be an enormous challenge sometimes.

Yay for you, mastering that app. You're a legend and no one else's bad attitude can change that fact 🙂

[JacintaMarie]

Hi the rising

Thanks for that, you may be right, my work colleagues may enable her, they just try to ignore her and say that's her, I don't think I can say that to her though,I'll be too scared too. Plus too, she'll say it's me, sometimes I think it's me but that's my head telling me.

But, in offices we properly all do that, to make it easier, though I do wonder why she can't just put down the blind herself!

Oh, once she sent around an email telling off someone for opening a pineocleen packet the wrong way, whoever it was did fix it, with plastic wrap. She & someone else were talking about how someone could do it.

Thanks for your advice, it was good.

[therising]

Hi JacintaMarie

It's amazing, when it comes to highly questionable people, how many people don't actually question them. Imagine what it would sound like to question just about everything that work colleague says and does

• Why do you have such an issue with something as simple as a pineocleen packet?
• Why is it so difficult for you to put the blind up or down, when it really doesn't take much effort?
• Why do you have trouble recognising your own tone of voice?
• Why do you insist on being so confronting, so often?

and so on.

I smile when I imagine all your work colleagues saying 'I can't believe JacintaMarie's questioning her over so much. I can't believe she's asking all the things we've been hanging to ask for so long'. Bamm, you're the hero of the place, wondering about so much out loud, wondering about all the things others have been wondering about 🙂

While I'm not suggesting you do this (up to you), I am suggesting she's a highly questionable person. The thing about highly questionable people, especially narcissists, is they'll flip perspective on you. You can ask a valid question and they'll respond with a question, instead of an answer. You could ask 'What is the big deal about the pineocleen packet?'. What you get may be 'Why are you asking me such a stupid question?'. 'Why can't you fix the blind yourself?', to which their response may be, 'Why do you have to touch the blind in the first place?'. Logical answer, 'To let more or less light in'.

I watched a YouTube video the other week. It involved a psychologist talking about managing a narcissist. By the way, I'm not saying your work colleague is a narcissist. Who knows? This guy was saying 'If there's one thing a narcissist can't tolerate, it's the following word...'Whatever'. Narcissists typically like attention and 'Whatever' is dismissive. Example 'WHO PUT THIS GODDAMN BLIND UP?!!!'. The response, 'Whatever'. I suppose 'Whatever' is short for 'Whatever you're saying is of no interest to me'.

Such an exercise may work for you, to begin saying 'Whatever' in your mind, whenever she challenges you with some stressful rant. You never know, you may come to find yourself eventually saying it out loud.

Whether you're dealing with a narcissist or someone who has no sense of control at home (looking for it at work as some form of consolation) or someone who suffers from the challenges of OCD, where they're compelled to have everything a certain way, may be hard to tell. Do you feel she's simply arrogant?

[JacintaMarie]

Hi The rising

Thanks for all that, good advice & I think she would end up flipping it.

Someone actually said something to her about being allergic to the bins, our building has a policy of no bins under our desks, as she doesn't like walking, well she usually goes off if she has to walk a few meters.

Went for a ride & rode too fast & ended up skidding, didn't hurt myself, managed to get up but it triggered me, that I shouldn't have been riding so quickly & I'm an idiot.

I find it hard to be perfect & follow the procedures at work. I do good for a while, then a mistake happens (I just want to fix it) but if people find it, they go off.

I understand, work like life, things go right but their not always going to be right all the time. And people get angry when others don't do it right, sometimes I wish people would do it right so others won't get mad, like the anti vaxxers, why can't they get vaccinated, follow the rules, so people won't get angry. Personally I think it's their choice, they are only a small group & the rest of us are bigger, so we might still be able to beat the corona, plus the more angry you are the more opposite people are going to get.

If I work anywhere else it's just going to be the same so don't know where else to work, where to go where I won't make mistakes.

I'm calming down now, just needed to write it down,

With the covid, people from the eastern states, keep on hanging in, things will get better,I'm not a scientist & I don't know when , all I know is it will eventually get better, & so sorry for everyone who lost someone, live for them. They would want you too.

[JacintaMarie]

Sorry if I sound like woe is me, apologies, I don't want to be a victim.

[therising]

Hi JacintaMarie

No need to apologise. I think having a vent is therapeutic. It's much better to release certain emotions rather than store them, plus I think the added bonus of venting a little is it can help us make sense of things, so we can work through them.

While we're always being challenged to not make mistakes in life, I think we inevitably make them in one way or another. A lot comes down to how the mistakes are managed. Another factor involves our level of experience too. Another relates to what state of existence we're in at the time. Are we feeling more physically or mentally unwell or challenged? Are we under pressure, in a state of stress? Can be a matter of the opposite also. Are we too relaxed? There are loads of factors. It's not just about how we manage our mistakes, it can also be a matter of how others manage them along with us.

You can make a mistake and have someone working along beside you keep you calm. Their attitude might be 'Don't sweat it, we all make mistakes'. They may even admit to a lot of the mistakes they may have made, so as to put you at ease. On the other hand, a perfectionist may absolutely go to town on you because they may not be able to tolerate anything less than perfect, from themself or anyone else. I think, at the end of the day, we have to ask our self 'Does my job require absolute perfection?' If you're a surgeon or a motor mechanic fixing the brakes on someone's car, absolutely. In such cases perfection is a must but even people in these fields make mistakes. The learning curve and the consequences for them can be massive when it comes to mistakes. Am I a surgeon? No. Does this fact allow me a bit of wiggle room to make mistakes? Yes. Do I manage to make sense of my mistakes, fix them and/or apologise for them if need be, do better next time and so on. Typically. I regard myself as fortunate that the people around me don't make a massive deal out of the mistakes I occasionally make. Just as I don't make such a big deal when they unintentionally slip up. I think this is one of the things that makes a good working team environment.

We can take our self to a whole different working team environment where people have a philosophical view of mistakes or stay in the same environment where every mistake we make is like the end of the world. Personally, I couldn't tolerate an 'end of the world' working environment. Couldn't handle the stress.

Glad you weren't hurt on your ride. Sounds like a learning experience 🙂

[JacintaMarie]

Hi The rising

Thanks for that, your right, if your with someone who makes a big deal about mistakes I do stay calm.

Though I do tell someone not to worry if they make mistakes with loose-leaf as it's very easy to do , very easy. I'm hard on myself

Well I did get told once by someone to be careful when cutting as there was a scratch on it, but then someone higher said not too worry as scratch wasn't bad.

Was going okay for last few weeks too, no triggers then this afternoon I stuffed up I answered someone's comment, when I should have been quieter.

I'm such a dork at work, always seem to say opposite thing or I'm scared to say opinion incase someone doesn't like it, well look at world, people are saying wrong opinions & people are offended, why can't people just keep mouth shut and don't say it!

Getting calmer, I wish would stop getting triggered. There are people with more worse anxiety then me

[therising]

Hi JM

It's not always easy, getting a feel for what we should and shouldn't say. You know, kind of like 'What I said felt right at the time but now I realise maybe it wasn't the best move under the circumstances'. On the other hand, sometimes the feeling we get can be spot on but we just don't say anything.

In some cases others can lead us to doubt our self, when what we've said isn't wrong or all that bad. For example, someone could say something to us such as 'You're hopeless at that'. You might feel the intense need to blurt out 'And you're an a-hole when it comes to communicating your thoughts'. If this happens in a room full of work colleagues, you could get 2 very different responses from the room. All in the room might lead you to self doubt when saying 'I can't believe you said that. You really shouldn't have'. On the other hand, all in the room may end up cheering you for saying exactly what they were thinking.

As I say, getting a feel for what we should and shouldn't say can be hard. One thing I've found handy in the way of figuring out what I should and shouldn't say involves an interruption. An interruption gives me time to pause, gives me time to think. If I want to respond to what someone says but I'm interrupted by another person before or during my response, it's my cue to greater contemplation. I find this handy at times. At times I can be grateful for the interruption, thinking afterward 'Thank goodness that person interrupted me. I would have regretted saying that'. An interruption can be a handy thing at times, as opposed to an annoying thing.

Getting a feel for what we should and shouldn't say as well as getting a feel for timing is something most of us aren't really taught in a constructive or seriously conscious way. We can actually be taught destructive ways of communication or non communication. For example, if we're conditioned to be a people pleaser, we may have been taught to keep our mouth shut no matter how degrading or depressing a person's comments may be toward us. How to respond automatically or instantly may be a skill we're lacking. Some may be naturally quick witted, regarding response. Perhaps they've inherited or have been taught such wit from a parent. The best response naturally comes to mind for them.

There can be a lot of factors that lie behind our communication or lack of it. I think this is why we can all have trouble at times 🙂

[JacintaMarie]

Thanks again The Rising, I know that feeling, sometimes I talk & sometimes I don't, but it's too hard to get it right.

I need to accept my triggers & work through, I think my hormones & period is one, my negative thoughts are worse during them, goodness knows what my menopause will be, hopefully I'll be better

[therising]

Hi JacintaMarie

Great progress, identifying possible triggers. Becoming highly conscious of triggers is always productive. I find if I can identify a trigger, then I can manage myself better.

The easiest triggers to identify tend to be the ones we feel. For example, if someone says 'You're too sensitive', that one's an easy trigger for me to pick up on. It creates an instant rise in energy in me (fury). A little over reactive, I admit, but for good reason. This comment always led me to feel 'defective' in some ways in the past, during my years in depression. I think this is one of the reasons why it triggers me to a state of instant fury, especially when I hear it being said to someone who feels anxiousness and what's depressing so easily. It implies being too sensitive is 'wrong'. I say the more sensitive the better. Being super sensitive allows us to get a sense of when someone's being depressing, when someone/something's stressful, when something/someone feels inspiring, when something feels 'off', not right, and so on. So, the more you can sense, the better. If you can develop your sensitivity, it gives you the ability to feel your way through life to some degree. You can even gain the ability to feel when to emotionally detach from a person or situation.

When our chemical/hormonal/emotional/natural shifts can't easily be felt, it's much trickier. I think this involves looking for the obvious physical signs, that indicate we're entering into an emotional shift. Cramps and so on are the obvious signs. With the physical signs that indicate we're going into an emotional shift, these signs give us a chance to prepare for how we're going to manage our emotions throughout the swing. Becoming conscious of what emotions we're about to swing into can take a bit of time to make better sense of. Do I become intolerant? Do I lose energy and become a bit too reactive based on my exhaustion? Do I need some greater self care/self love strategies in place during this time? Do I demand more respect during this time? You could also see it as a time of greater consciousness: Are the people around me actually intolerable and I can only see this when I go through this hormonal/chemical shift? Do I need to work on gaining more energy in life, in general. Do I need to start demanding more respect in life? Do I need to develop greater self care, in general? Do I need to work on loving myself more than I resent myself?

I've found triggers to be handy signposts at times 🙂