My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

[puggywug]

Hi everyone, I plan to use this thread to share and update my ongoing anxiety story so feel free to come along for the ride!

Childhood

My first encounter with anxiety was during primary school. Every night, I would have this feeling in my stomach which ate me up. I would describe the feeling as similar to if you went to the airport and suddenly realised you forgot your passport. However, instead of going away, that feeling of your stomach dropping stayed with me forever. At the time, I would constantly think someone was coming to harm me. Fuelled by this thought, I would check the door was locked 10 times per night. I opened up to my parents about it at the time, however being raised in an Asian household where mental health is rather taboo, they dismissed my feelings. During my 6 years of primary school, every night I was terrified of sleeping because I knew that I would feel that dreaded feeling of foreboding doom.

Highschool

I went to a very competitive selective high school. Because of the overwhelming focus on academics coupled with adjusting to high school culture, I buried my anxiety under all my other stresses at the time which was not a good move.

Present Day

Currently, I am attending university. Because I never negotiated with my feelings for 10 years, I exploded and had a full blown panic attack 6 weeks ago and had to call the ambulance. It was the scariest thing I have experienced in my life. Since then, I have had 5 psych sessions. Now, when I feel my stomach drop or pressure in my chest, I am able to tell myself that it is anxiety. Putting a name to the emotions I have been feeling for ages is so empowering. Whenever I feel anxious now, I am able to not let it escalate to a panic attack.

However, what I am struggling with now is that when I do feel anxious, I end up hyper fixating on those emotions and I can't stop thinking about them for the whole day which can be super debilitating. My mind struggles to live in the present, and I find myself just constantly fixating on my physical symptoms even after the stressful event is over. I would love any advice on how to recognize your anxiety, embrace the feelings which come with it and move on because constantly thinking about it has begun to negatively affect my social life :c

Thanks for listening and any advice is more than welcome. I am also happy to expand upon anything as I had to skip a lot due to the short word limit. Remember that there is truly so much in this world to live for 🙂

[jemma09]

Hi puggywug

I enjoyed reading your post and how you organised your thoughts into your journeys through childhood, high school and the present.

It can be very freeing to understand what is happening when we have anxiety. I understand going through not addressing or negotiating with your feelings, I went through that also and kept a lot of my struggles hidden until I couldn't anymore and just broke down in the doctor's office.

That is wonderful that you can identify your emotions and anxiety to manage it, good on you! Hyper-fixation is difficult to go through. I think it's easy to get stuck into a loop of anxiety and the feelings around it - trying to find a way to just let go of those focuses feels impossible at times.

My advice would be, to keep up with your psych sessions and express this struggle in those sessions. This can be very useful and they may be able to give you some tips!

Other ways to break the cycle of being hyper focused, try doing something soothing. What is your favourite hobby, interest, activity? Something that you can keep your focus on instead - maybe it's reading, art, video games, exercise, anything! I know for me, pulling myself out of my headspace and refocusing my thoughts onto something else is very useful. If you find yourself darting back to this hyper-fixation, be gentle and kind to yourself and re-orientate your thoughts to your activity.

Some people find meditation very useful as it can help us recognise when these thoughts pop up, there are lots of guided ones on YouTube for example that are so so good! I've also heard of this idea called a 'calm box' ... I still need to make myself one. So in this box you add all of your favourite things or things that make you feel peaceful or calm. It could be things like: essential oils, meditations, books, inspiring words, photos, DVDs, a list of your favourite songs, ornaments or toys, etc.

For me, even today coming on this forum and responding to others' posts... giving advice and support has lifted me from the negative space I was in. And I am very grateful to communicate with people here. So for me, helping others assists me in feeling positive and good too! Volunteering can also be a good avenue for this if you enjoy things like that.

All the best and take care! 🙂

[JonA]

Your post really struck with me and can relate.

Anxiety seems to run in the family for me - I ended up spending nearly a week in the cardiovascular unit as my panic attacks resulted in fainting (repetitively). It was never discussed and for us it was empowering to share and bought our family closer than ever.

I ended up getting agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) a few months later not addressing the issue as seriouly as I should have and had a very difficult few months. It sounds like you are well on your way to seeking help - well done!

What really helped for me was ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) to get an approach to understanding these feelings as they arise, and to sit and watch them pass, almost observing passively. I still fail, but get more confident each time I push myself through the tough fight or flight responses, and focus on types of CBT (cognitive based therapy - usually in self help books) talking kind to myself (I even write it down like a letter being positive and kind about my experience and progress). Maybe something to research or discuss with your therapist.

I found meditation good also - especially to reduce overall stress and gain perspective to start to make the changes.

I am sure you will find a way that suits you through the hypersensitivity, keep going, and be kind to yourself. You are doing great!

Jon

[puggywug]

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing wonderfully!

I think one issue with these forums is that sometimes people post when they are down, but once they are getting better they forget about letting everyone know. Following up with your posts makes it so that those who are going through similar things will feel like they have hope themselves to get better so that's why I am updating my mental health journey 🙂

So, to recap my late December to early January months. I was truly in a very bad place. My psychologist and I did not click very well and I did not see a lot of progress leading me to develop agoraphobia. This stopped me from really going anywhere because I was really scared that I was going to panic there and that I would not be able to control it. Because of this, I stayed at home all day, constantly focusing on my breathing and I stopped doing all of the things that I actually enjoyed doing before I had my panic attacks. I replaced those activities with things I thought would benefit my mental health such as excessively reading up on anxiety or excessively practicing meditation. This only gave fuel to my worries.

Because of my agoraphobia, I would struggle to not feel anxious when going to the post office per say or to dinner. I felt like less of a person because I couldn't do the same things that I used to. My relationships with those close to me also deteriorated because I was so distant and trapped in this cycle.

I started seeing a new psych in mid January and this was such a big turning point for me. She told me about 'worried voice', 'false comfort' and 'wise mind'. Being able to label when I was using worried voice or false comfort and then applying wise mind helped me tremendously. She also told me about the importance of exercise. I started going to the gym and exposing myself to situations that made me anxious. The more I did that, the better I got and now my life is almost back to completely normal just like how it was before my panic attacks. My relationships are wonderful and I would say that if you are feeling down, try your best to continue to do the things that you loved doing. I am in such a better place currently, obviously I am not a hundred percent better and if I see or feel something weird then I will worry about it sometimes but those worried moments are happening so much less.

For anyone that is struggling with health anxiety just remember that it will get better!

If anyone wants to have a further chat please reach out.

[geoff]

Hello Puggywug, I agree with you 'people post when they are down, but once they are getting better they forget about letting everyone know', yet I can understand them doing this, finally being able to find some freedom at last after being locked down in a condition they never wanted, so I can appreciate them doing this, however, for the people who just read these threads and not ask a question, it's good if they could reply back, even if it's a short comment, that may be able to help those going this themselves.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[blueskiesfreshair]

Thanks for sharing, puggywug. It was so uplifting and pleasing to hear you're doing so much better now.

[james1]

Hey puggywug,

Thanks for the update and I'm really glad to hear you found a new psych who has been really helpful. I also found the concept of wise mind really practical, and still use it 4 or 5 years on.

James