I think I have an eating disorder

[sparrowhawk]

Hi everyone.

Early last year I was diagnosed with a chronic gastrointestinal disorder which causes me to regurgitate/vomit food unintentionally. It was itself triggered by a virus and can be impacted by stress, illness and traumas. I was pretty sick at that time, where I lost a lot of weight and was really feeling weak. I was treated in hospital and had amazing support from a dietitian and psychologist, and slowly gained a bit of strength and weight back.

I've noticed that my issues have really progressed into the psychological. I'm underweight and feeling terrified of gaining weight. I have had to move to a new treatment, to help stop triggering my GI symptoms, and I think this has actually strengthened the disordered stuff as I can really reduce and control my calorie intake. Finding myself thinking a LOT about food. The thing is, I know it's not good to be restricting, and I know I need to eat healthily, but it's like these thoughts come so intrusively.

My psychologist conducted an ED assessment the other day and she thinks I have anorexia. I am going to my GP to get it confirmed but to be honest I feel like that is really what it is. I feel like things are such a mess. I have very kind support from people. There's this huge need in me to talk about it with others but then an equally huge one to protect myself.

Anyone else in a similar boat - how did you tackle things?

[Learn to Fly]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post and sharing.

I am very sorry to hear about everything that you have gone through. From what I gather, it seems like you have been under good care but I also understand that this has been a long and tough journey that still continues for you. It's really good to hear that you have been surrounded and helped by kind people. As hard as it is, I think it's good that you are in contact with a psychologist, going to talk to your GP and hopefully, they will be able to point you in the right direction. How would you feel about joining a support group for people with eating disorders? I am really glad you have reached out here but maybe attending a support group would help you expand the safety net? You mentioned your need to share and talk about what's happening with you but also want to protect yourself, which is totally understandable. I'm hoping a support group would meet your needs as you could meet people in similar situations as yourself, hear their stories, feel welcome and not judged, and hopefully gain some information that would help your situation. What's your opinion on this?

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Learn to Fly,

Thank you so much for your response. It's been very difficult and feels like things have really snowballed. And I think for a long time I denied that there was any psychological issue, as a way of protecting myself.

I'm hoping to be able to access an Eating Disorder Care Plan which could give me support which attracts a rebate - this will really help me financially.

While I have people who do support me it's different when you talk to someone who has been through similar things. I think your suggestion of a support group would be very helpful but at the same time it does make me a bit afraid. Do you know of anything that is available?

[Sophie_M]

Hi sparrowhawk,

This is such a brave and powerful post, thank you for sharing it here. We hope the kind words and understanding of lovely community members like Learn to Fly are a help and a comfort to you. 

We can understand how hard it must be to open up about your potential eating disorder when you are going through a discussion with your treating team. We like to recommend speaking to the Butterfly Foundation about this, as they might have some advice around how you can get some support, inclduing while you wait to speak with your GP. Their counsellors are absolutely lovely, and you can reach them on 1800 33 4673, or  chat online or via email (helpline and online chat run 8am – midnight AEDT, 7 days a week). You could also reach out to a counsellor or GP, and there’s a bit of advice for having a conversation with a health professional here.

You could also reach out to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or reach out via webchat here. 

Thanks again, and well done for sharing here. This is a judgment-free space, so please feel free to share, knowing that you'll be met with understanding. We're sorry to hear how things have been, and we want you to know that we're here for you. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[sparrowhawk]

Thank you so much Sophie. I really appreciate it.

I have tried to contact the Butterfly Foundation's helpline (phone) but have never been able to get through. I know they are in quite high demand but I'll keep trying. Thank you so much.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Sophie has given you some great contacts. It's great to hear you are not giving up so easily and trying to get in touch. I'd also ask your GP and/or psychologist. They might be aware of appropriate support groups within your community and guide you accordingly. I am really glad to hear you are so open to receiving help and trying things that may assist you. This is one of the most positive signs and your true strength.

Also, don't we all live at times in denial of things that seem to be too difficult to face? It's impossible to be always brave and strong and organised and have everything under control. Life has in store its own surprises, good and bad. And those bad ones sometimes are simply too upsetting to face so we deny, delay etc. The most important thing is - this chapter is now behind you. You're past this point and you can congratulate yourself on that. It's a big step forward and you made it.

I hear you saying about things getting on top of you lately so I am guessing you might feel overwhelmed at times? Is that right? Feel free to chat. Always here to help.

Take good care there.

[wollongong22]

Hey sparrowhawk,

This is my first post but I want you to know that you're not alone, I've never heard an experience so similar to my own! I have suffered with EDNOS for years (and suffer from gastrointestinal issues too) and it can be terrifying to start treatment, but I have had nothing but positive experiences.

The fact that you are able to recognise that this is becoming an issue is a great first step, and so is talking about it. I had a unique treatment due to being in a boarding school environment, but I found it really helpful to have a friend/trusted person to be present and try to create a normal, relaxed environment. Even better if you can find a friend going through a similar problem, to create a mutual sense of accountability and understanding. It's great to hear that you have a good support network, but it can be hard to talk to people who can't relate to how you're feeling.

I'm so glad you've opened up, anonymous forums are the best way to get reassurance and support without judgement. Sharing your experience and knowing that you're not alone is never a bad thing. But also having a good psychiatrist is critical, see as many as it takes to find someone you connect with.

I would love to chat to you more, good luck !

[sparrowhawk]

Thank you so much, Learn to Fly.

I saw my GP on Thursday and we did the assessment again. He has diagnosed me with anorexia.

Your words about denial are so true! It can be like - things are too difficult so I’ll just leave them where they are. But I realise the only person who can fight for my life is me.

Yes, overwhelmed is definitely the right word. Looking back on the past few years, I can see I was falling into ED behaviours even early into my gastrointestinal illness. I never spoke to anyone about them and always denied that there was anything psychological going on. Now I’m at the point of sort of beating myself up that I didn’t do more, that this is all my fault.
I think another thing is just wondering whether I can ever really recover from this. It seems that so much is about willpower and mentality and I wonder sometimes how much I have. I’m sure this is just me worrying too much. I know my anorexia behaviours are wrong but there’s so much fear in me preventing me from doing anything differently. I feel ‘safe’ in the disordered stuff, even though I know it’s not safe.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi sparrowhawk,

I think you've nailed it when you mentioned the word "safety". It's a basic protective mechanism and we all fall into its trap. More or less we might know that our behaviours are wrong or even harmful to us or others. We usually "know that" best after the fact, when the guilt kicks in. We "know that" until the next time when it's too challenging to face the reality and do things differently.

They are some major things that are happening in your life atm and I think you need to extend some patience and kindness towards yourself during this time. You are at the turning point of realisation and facing the truth. No more denial. This is a HUGE achievement! As you have mentioned yourself, it'd taken you years to come to this point. Years! Take your time to adjust to this realisation as this is might be a new and challenging environment for you to face. Take your time to appreciate your strength and hard, hard work to come up to this realisation. Be proud of this achievement. Be proud of yourself.

This is going to be hard but maybe try to face one thing at a time. One day at a time. Build on small wins and add them up to your bigger goal. It can be SO overwhelming if we start to look straight away at the bigger picture. Maybe instead of thinking "I have to overcome this" which carries so much weight, try to focus on today, or even here and now. Write down every single thing that you did which's brought you joy, hope, a sense of achievement etc. Most importantly don't beat yourself up for a slip-up. Think about why this happened, how did you feel before, identify triggers and try to learn from the experience.

And remember that you are not alone in this. You have mentioned your circle of kind people, you have us here and it appears: some good specialists. People who care about you and what's happening with you.

[sparrowhawk]

Hi wollongong, thank you so much for reaching out.

It's really terrifying, and to be honest it really sometimes sounds pointless. My gastrointestinal symptoms actually feed the ED, and in turn my ED feeds the gastro stuff. So it's like this complex cycle that leaves me feeling a bit trapped.

I was surprised and very grateful that my parents have been very normal about it. I told them after I was diagnosed, worrying that they would be very concerned and even frustrated -- they were very much this way when my gastrointestinal disorder was very bad, and when I've had mental health issues in the past. My mum is a trained counsellor and sometimes can get a bit "therapist" with me, but I talked to her about it and she just listened so beautifully, without trying to treat me or give me advice.

I totally get what you are saying about finding someone to relate. I have a couple of friends who have GI issues, but not eating disorders as far as I know. I think the most difficult thing for me is feeling like a shell of myself. I don't really feel like I have much vitality and I push myself to put on a happy face, when really I'm very tired and just don't feel like doing much. I think a lot of it's connected with malnutrition and I know that once I start recovering it will improve, but the hardest part is beginning that process.

I'm so glad your experiences have been positive. Thank you again for replying. 🙂