My Anxiety Story: Finally Putting a Name to my Intrusive Thoughts and Emotions

[puggywug]

Hi everyone, I plan to use this thread to share and update my ongoing anxiety story so feel free to come along for the ride!

Childhood

My first encounter with anxiety was during primary school. Every night, I would have this feeling in my stomach which ate me up. I would describe the feeling as similar to if you went to the airport and suddenly realised you forgot your passport. However, instead of going away, that feeling of your stomach dropping stayed with me forever. At the time, I would constantly think someone was coming to harm me. Fuelled by this thought, I would check the door was locked 10 times per night. I opened up to my parents about it at the time, however being raised in an Asian household where mental health is rather taboo, they dismissed my feelings. During my 6 years of primary school, every night I was terrified of sleeping because I knew that I would feel that dreaded feeling of foreboding doom.

Highschool

I went to a very competitive selective high school. Because of the overwhelming focus on academics coupled with adjusting to high school culture, I buried my anxiety under all my other stresses at the time which was not a good move.

Present Day

Currently, I am attending university. Because I never negotiated with my feelings for 10 years, I exploded and had a full blown panic attack 6 weeks ago and had to call the ambulance. It was the scariest thing I have experienced in my life. Since then, I have had 5 psych sessions. Now, when I feel my stomach drop or pressure in my chest, I am able to tell myself that it is anxiety. Putting a name to the emotions I have been feeling for ages is so empowering. Whenever I feel anxious now, I am able to not let it escalate to a panic attack.

However, what I am struggling with now is that when I do feel anxious, I end up hyper fixating on those emotions and I can't stop thinking about them for the whole day which can be super debilitating. My mind struggles to live in the present, and I find myself just constantly fixating on my physical symptoms even after the stressful event is over. I would love any advice on how to recognize your anxiety, embrace the feelings which come with it and move on because constantly thinking about it has begun to negatively affect my social life :c

Thanks for listening and any advice is more than welcome. I am also happy to expand upon anything as I had to skip a lot due to the short word limit. Remember that there is truly so much in this world to live for 🙂

[james1]

Hey puggywug,

Thanks for your post! It's really interesting to hear your story and, as you probably know, we get a lot of readers who don't post so I am sure your story will reach and touch a lot of others too.

I'm sorry to hear you had to call the ambulance, but I'm glad you've been able to finally find a safe way to learn how to manage your anxiety. It sounds like you've learnt some skills which you hadn't had to chance to before, and you are feeling relatively good about having those skills under your belt now.

I understand what you mean about hyper fixating on emotions and how debilitating that can be. When I had a bad period of depression, I also learnt some things including how to recognise early warning signals. A really good skill to have, but also terrifying. I posted here once or twice about that fear of "it" happening again - "it" being depression. I think posting about it is really helpful, as is telling friends or family about what is happening. In my own experience, voicing my feelings and worries made it real, but also made it tangible and importantly, limited. It was no longer this giant thing I had to carry around alone, but it had a name, and I knew it was temporary.

Your experience may be a different, and you may need different strategies, but I think the fixating is a very normal thing that happens once we learn how to recognise the early warning signs. The next stage, as you're going through now, is to find out to manage this. Have you been working on it with your psych, or have you found any strategies that work?

James

[Petal22]

Hi puggywug,

Wellcome to our forums!

Thank you for sharing your story with us.

Im sorry you experienced a panic attack I understand this can feel very scary.

Im sorry you are fixating on your symptoms, when you notice your self doing this can you gently bring your attention onto something in the present moment? It takes practice…..

Or for example when you are washing the dishes you can practice attention training ..how does the water feel? What can you hear? What can you smell?

Have you ever tried meditation? I found this to be incredibly beneficial.. it can teach us that we are not our thoughts but the watcher of our thoughts.

[geoff]

Hello Puggywug, you need to understand that there are many different triggers that can bring on anxiety with the same result happening, however, you may be able to narrow them down to three or four, but each trigger may also happen in a different situation and perhaps it's getting to know what these triggers are and then try and eliminate them when you're able to.

Take care.

Geoff.

[bluemoonbluesky]

Your post really resonated with me, we have many similar experiences. Growing up, I didn't even think about anxiety, but having arrived at the journey now and looking back, I can see that a lot of things built up and up. Until one day, like you, they manifested into a massive panic attack and I was shaking dialling an Uber to take me to the ER. I honestly thought I was going to die. It wasn't until I had a few more panic attacks and took myself to hospital time and time again, that I realised this was ridiculous and had to take control.

I had no idea about physical manifestations of anxiety. The mystery chest pains were the worst for me. I did medical tests, went to a psychologist, and tried to make changes in life. My life was different. I couldn't socialise well anymore, I would get occasional crippling dizziness, I would go to parties and think of a way out, I couldn't enjoy food or drink. I had so many bizarre symptoms it was incredible. For a few weeks, my right hand twitched. For another few weeks, cripping brain fog. Then random spasms or sharp pains. Horrific depersonalisation. I remember cooking dinner one night and feeling that I wasn't there at all. And so on.

It probably took me at least a year and a half to accept my anxiety and face it, and then COVID and lockdowns came. The lockdowns were incredibly, incredibly difficult. I cannot underestimate how hard it was lying on my sofa under a curfew, with chest pains and shaking, unable to take my nightly walk that would calm me down. Thank god, all I can say, for a late night radio program, one particular friend for the nightly calls, and video games to distract me. I ended up seeing a chiro, a bit unorthodox, but he changed my thinking about my body, and I downloaded an app called DARE that was (still is) a godsend. During the day, it was the walks and podcasts.

Somehow, I found a way out. Whilst I wouldn't say I am recovered, I accept anxiety and feel like 'myself' again. I don't feel like I'm a different person, in fact in many ways I feel like a better, more empathetic person after this experience.

I wish you luck and look forward to hearing more about your story!

[puggywug]

Hi James, thank you so much for responding 🙂

I totally get what u mean when u say u were scared of 'it' happening again as that is the stage where I am at as well. I basically worry about feeling my anxiety symptoms which leads to me not being able to be fully present in whatever I am doing (eating out, watching movies, social gatherings etc). My psych and I have been working on slowing down my breathing as well as focusing. I have also begun to take a journal for my anxiety to track its patterns.

I would say that slowing down my breathing and focusing have been moderately effective in managing my anxiety. When I experience my warning signs, utilising the aforementioned strategies help me to not let it escalate to a panic attack. However, it does not get rid of the physical symptoms completely. I believe because I don't have full control over the symptoms, that is why I subconsciously fixate on them so much.

One strategy that completely calms me down is to talk to someone. However, I can't always rely on talking to someone to help ease my physical symptoms. This is the point where I am at right now, and I will continue to try more strategies until I find the one that works for me. As you said that you went through a similar phase of hyper fixating on your symptoms, I was wondering what steps you took to actually break that cycle and really live in the present.

Wishing you a lovely day of happiness 🙂

[puggywug]

Hi Petal22, thank you for the warm welcome!

Yes, I have been practicing focusing my attention onto certain sensations (touch, smell, hearing, sight etc) in order to bring me back to the present. However, I find this rather difficult to do as my mind keeps wandering off to fixate upon my physical symptoms.

As for meditation, I have never tried it and don't know anything about it. It seemed super beneficial to you which is amazing and I am super happy that you were able to integrate something that worked so well for you. With that being said, I was wondering if you could tell me more about your experiences with focusing and meditation. I would love to hear about how you started meditating, your struggles, any apps you used, the benefits because I really want to give it a go too.

Wishing you all the best 🙂

[puggywug]

Hi Bluemoonbluesky, thanks for reaching out!

Crazy that we have such similar journeys. That just reaffirms that we are not alone in our journey to understanding our anxiety better. I can totally resonate with your fear during the panic attacks. When I had mine, I genuinely thought I was having a stroke because I never even knew that anxiety could manifest physical symptoms. I also had mystery chest pains especially during primary school and high school. Because of this, I constantly went to the doctor but they always told me nothing was wrong with me ahaha. This is how I became a hypochondriac unfortunately :c

It definitely is tough to not be able to do all of the things you once did because of your hyper awareness of your chest pains and other accompanying symptoms. I totally feel for that. Just last week, I went to watch a movie with my family and I had to step out because the anxiety symptoms were just too much so don't worry you are not alone 🙂

Funnily enough video games also really distract me from my physical symptoms and take me into the present. I would love to hear more about your own experience with how you were able to move past hyper fixating on your debilitating symptoms. You mentioned an app called 'DARE', I was wondering what it was, how you used it, the benefits, the struggles?

I am so happy for you for finding a way out. It must have been so tough but you made it so you should definitely feel super proud of yourself. Now, I guess it is my turn to follow in your footsteps ahaha. All in all, it was super comforting reading your words and knowing that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you so much for sharing and I hope we can continue this conversation 🙂

[Petal22]

Hi puggywug,

Sorry for the late reply..

Thats great that you have been practicing putting your attention on certain sensations to help you to come back to the present moment……. Keep practicing…. I understand your attention wonders back to your sensations but you need to become aware when this is happening and bring your attention back to something in the present moment. It takes practice but it’s well worth the practice.. this my strengthen your attention our attention is like a muscle and it needs exercise.

I started doing meditation as part of my OCD therapy……… i did a guided meditation… it’s great I can now sit back and observe my thoughts and not get caught up in them.

Look for a meditation that’s guided for learning to watch your thoughts and keep practicing it…. The results are amazing it just takes practice…

My lived experience was OCD it was a very challenging disorder to have I was always in my head and I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

After doing the therapy I did I was able to master my OCD.

I wish you all the best 😊

[james1]

Hey puggywug,

Sorry I didn't get to come back to you earlier. I was in Canberra for a bit.

To your question about how I stopped fixating on my symptoms and lived more in the present, I am not sure it was any single thing. I think it is certainly very healthy to be concerned about your mental health and where it is trending, while also making sure you are staying helpfully realistic.

One great thing it sounds like you're doing already is talking to people. That is a really fantastic way to both acknowledge and accept that it's totally normal to be worried, while also getting another person's view. I also found just speaking out aloud to myself helpful for getting out of my head. I guess it made the problem sizeable somehow, once it was out in the real world and not just in my head. But, otherwise, it was just distraction distraction distraction. I think my general approach was to learn how to accept that my mental health would go up and down and I would be okay through this, but to just distract until I got more and more used to it.

It sounds like that is somewhat similar to what you are doing?

James