Hello,
I am an only child, which I feel fuelled bring a perfectionist and socially distant person (but simultaneously desperately wanting to be loved by anyone other than my family) my whole life. These were things I once accepted as just me, but in recent years I have seen iterations of those beliefs at the core of my anxiety and depression, which I have only just begun to name as such. For the past few months I have begun having anxious pangs - feeling sick and dizzy with a hollow chest - and so I have been trying to use writing to calm me down and view my inner judge’s beliefs and combat them with my actual ones.
This morning I have written down, “You’re a monster for not even remembering or having feelings for the people that love you.” This feeling was triggered by my mother telling me about a nanny I had who she said loved me so much - and I can’t remember her, so all I could do was nod. After that came the pang, and flashes in my mind of other people in my life who I want to have feelings towards but feel empty, or at least less than they seem to feel. Upon writing down the above I realised how long I had been carrying this judgement (as long as I can remember), and now I guess I want to do something with it? Wondering if others have felt this way for their whole lives and how they turned things around, as I feel this is destroying my relationship with my partner, or at least my ability to see clearly or assess the state of my relationship. Thanks!
