Loneliness and my thought patterns

[oldmate322]

Hi guys, i am trying to be kind to myself and acknowledge that this is a problem I should talk about, even though I know this may not be as serious as others are experiencing.


I am a 32 year old Sydney resident for at least 5 or so years now. I have frequently experienced loneliness throughout my life, as well as GAD and some minor depression, and have had few relationships and/or encounters. The last serious relationship I was in was 2 years ago and I have not dated or indeed been intimate with anyone since that time until very recently.


For all intents and purposes I have a good life. I live in a nice suburb, in a nice apartment, have kept my job as a legal adviser during COVID and otherwise am comfortable.


Logically I have a good thing going, yet I constantly battle with loneliness and isolation. I have very few friends in the city, and tend to get very nervous and/or fatigued trying to find/engage in new activities.


Recently, I became friends with an amazing girl who has some of her own mental health problems. We became close friends and have been intimate at least twice. However she has since expressed that whilst she loves me as a friend, she is not interested in pursuing a relationship. I knew this when we were intimate and had resigned myself to this, but through helping her through an episode recently and through not having much in the way of other close relationships, I have fallen for this girl. I have expressed this to her, and she has let me down gently. I obviously don’t blame her, and do not expect that she will reciprocate my feelings simply because I have them, but nevertheless it has triggered me to have a strong bout of loneliness, which is bordering on depression.


Most importantly, my inner critical voice has stirred up as a result, and I am becoming very unkind to myself about my perceived failings in my romantic life.


Recently I have been taking steps to try and recognise these negative thought patterns, but every time I think about this girl, and the fact she has started dating others, I feel an immense sadness, which sometimes triggers off these thoughts.


I guess my question is: should I do something within these sad moments, or should I continue to allow myself to feel these sad moments to help process the pain. I’m concerned that whilst I should allow myself to feel sad without judgement, if I don’t actively take steps to combat these moments, that it may turn into a cycle of self pity.

Thanks

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi oldmate322,

Welcome to the forums - and sidenote: your username doesn't fit if you are 32! 🙂

Thank you for joining us and sharing what's going on with you. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and I'm sorry you're feeling lonely- it can be hard as is and worse with COVID.

What are the messages that your inner critic has been giving you lately, or where do you think this is coming from?

To answer your question, I think both can be okay at times since it depends what you need. Sometimes distracting can help, and sometimes being in and with the moment can help too. The difference to me is with self-pity it becomes "poor me", where as with sitting in sadness it's acceptance of "I'm having a tough time".

I hope this helps a little. This forum is really lovely so you're not alone - if you're up to it, you can also search things such as 'lonely' or 'loneliness' up the top to find other threads to join in with.

rt

[oldmate322]

Hi

Thank you, this helps. 🙂

in terms of my thought patterns, I’ve always had a very loud inner critic, especially when it comes to romance/intimacy. It’s comments change as the needs arise, but always follow the theme of ‘you’re not interesting, you’re not clever, you have nothing to offer, you’re not good looking, you’re off putting’. I don’t follow the typical path of seeking to blame the other person (which is good) but instead I tend to turn the pain inward. Being alone for a while, and being in a difficult relationship prior hasn’t helped.

I Guess I just have this constant worry that I will continue to be lonely, or settle for someone simply to try and stop being lonely. It’s hard to focus on personal development and I’ve become a little fatigued with trying lately.

I try and practice mindfulness when I can, sometimes I wonder though if I’m also secretly comfortable being sad/miserable, and/or use it to get attention. I often feel I am a burden on friends/family when I reach out for help, and tend to develop self loathing when I do it too often.

I’m working hard to try and shift myself. I guess forums like these are helpful because people seem to understand and I feel less judgement for posting my problems.

my thanks

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi oldmate322,

It's really good to hear back from you and I'm so glad it helps 🙂

Gosh that's a mean inner critic hey, although it's good that you're able to identify it.

It's interesting (?) to me that this inner critic kind of showed it's face after what happened with your friend - because from what I've read your friend wasn't ever interested in a relationship, so it really had nothing at all to do with you.

One of the things I learned in therapy is trying to talk back to those thoughts- they are automatic and most of the time they're BS. Even that one about how you have 'nothing to offer' is certainly untrue given that you helped your friend through a mental health episode. That alone is incredibly caring and thoughtful.

I hope that it gives you something to think about - sometimes little reframes can help change the way you see yourself and that you have more to offer - and also that while you're lonely now, you won't be forever.

rt

[romantic_thi3f]

p.s.

What makes you think practicing mindfulness is causing all these things?

[oldmate322]

Hi,

Thank you again for your words of encouragement. 🙂

Romance or intimacy tends to trigger a lot of my insecurities I guess. Whilst I can accept that sometimes someone just doesn’t see you in the way you wished they would, a part of me blames myself regardless. It’s like if I was better in some way that would have solved the issue. I know conceptually this is ridiculous, but emotionally it’s harder to shake. Feeling lonely and isolated doesn’t help matters much, and social media tends to compound it.

I guess I tend to overthink when I’m Experiencing happiness that I should be miserable. It can be insidious because instead of just being happy when I can, I create my own monster. I also tend to stew on my own problems because it’s familiar, it almost feels like I’m happy being miserable, or maybe I just don’t trust it, which then causes me to blame myself for feeling miserable...it’s a mind warp and hard to verbalise.

I’m seeing a therapist, and trying to flag my patterns, It’s a struggle because I’ve spent so long criticising myself, it’s hard to shift that mentality. My therapist says that no one knows how to exploit your own self doubt more than your own inner voice, so fighting off the thought patterns with mindfulness can seem stupid from time to time due to my own internal dialogue Telling me so.

I’m trying, so that’s something I guess

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi oldmate322,

You're very welcome 🙂

Yeah I can see that and how it would make sense. Our inner voice and critic wants to make sense of everything - mine has been really loud lately. I think that if someone doesn't want a relationship, it doesn't really matter who they are with - as I saw from your earlier posts I can see you are a great catch, so you can be Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum and it still wouldn't change her mind!

I get the time warp thing and it makes sense, but it's okay to be miserable and it's okay to be happy being miserable. It's also okay to stew on your own problems. I know that it sounds unhealthy and awful, but it is comfortable and familiar and we as humans like the familiar. Everything else can seem a bit scary or vulnerable - because it means putting ourselves out there and facing the unknown.

One idea that you might like is giving your own inner critic a kind of personality - it helps because it can create some separation. Mindfulness can help us sit with it all, but giving it a personality can work in a similar way because it's still some distance. I know it sounds so abstract (and it kind of is) but I encourage you to try it out.

Keep on trying - you're doing great

rt

[Whatsinaname]

I cant add much more romantic hasnt already, but thought I'd say welcome and I relate to this much more than I care to admit "I guess I tend to overthink when I’m Experiencing happiness that I should be miserable"

Thats hurdle that I have yet learnt to cross, but working with a psych + meds seem to making mu inner crtic a little less sticky.

If you ever want to chat I'm happy to.

[Sweesoft]

Hi there,

Feeling sadness is part of the process. Embrace it because it's part of being a human - to feel. However, you shouldn't let this be all you feel. Think of your motivations and try your very best to come out of the dark. We should only have one way and that's forward. We should never go back or get stuck. Life is happening every second of the day. Stay strong.

[oldmate322]

Hi guys, so I know I posted I was getting better, but I’ve had a slight setback which is making me feel very poor about myself. I have been really struggling to manage that inner voice as a result and I can’t seem to apply mindfulness as I’m so constantly worked up/upset.


I continue to struggle with controlling my emotions and feelings of loneliness and I’ve had another episode.


As with last time, my episode was triggered by the girl I have feelings for dating someone else. We have been meeting as friends for a little while since I posted, which has been nice, and I thought I was moving towards a good place with this, but recently she has spent the night with a date and that has stirred up things again.


Essentially it feels like a while back when my ex had started dating again, conceptually the two situations are completely different, but it broke my heart all the same. all the judgemental thoughts about myself, my prospects for future romance with anyone and my general worth as a person have come back. I can’t help but feel that it almost borders on obsessive that I reacted so strongly, and now every time I think of it, I get worked up and teary, I’m really struggling to cope and I’m feeling fairly hopeless about my prospects of moving on at the moment.


I can’t help but feel like I’m overreacting, which then causes me to criticise myself further. I also can’t silence that voice that keeps telling me to stop being so overly emotional...I can’t stop feeling what I’m feeling, but I’m hating myself for it.


It’s so hard to explain this to family and friends, my life isn’t that bad on paper, I should be able to find happiness, but I can’t seem to reign in my emotions and I’m constantly struggling with this type of stuff. I can’t seem to move past it for very long. I tend to have flare ups of melancholy and self loathing tends to accompany it. It’s so fatiguing to try and improve myself when constantly battling this feeling of hopeless and anxiety.