Lifetime of anxiety

[Thejig]

All my life I have suffered anxiety in silence.

as a child in school I would try to hide in the back do that I wouldn't have to ever present or answer questions, I would complete my work very slowly so that the teacher would forgot to check my work and would move onto the next task. I made my parents pull me out of dancing before the end of year concerts because I convinced them I hates it but the truth is I couldn't be Infront of a crowd, I am nervous of being watched and analysed and making a mistake or not being accepted.

throughout high school was similar to my experience of primary school I never participated in anything because I thought I was not good enough, I would make a mistake or make a fool of myself .

i have finished uni and am now a registered nurse. Uni  was also another time where people mistook my lack of involvement for being uninterested and having no initiative. In my work experince I was always too affraid to give reports, or to handle a set of my patients on my own because I think I don't have the ability abd I'm so scared of making mistakes.

 I have spent 18 months applying for jobs, scheduling interview times but I never attend the interview. I have applied for hundreds of jobs and probably had scheduled over 120 interviews. I attended the first interview 18 months ago and it was a horrible experience ever since then the time leading up to interview is filled with anxiety. I don't sleep, spend my time driving to the interview and talking myself out of it by the time I get to the interview I've worked myself up so bad I am too scared and anxious to go in. I am scared I can't answer the question, in scared I'll make a fool if myself and be embarrassed. I'm scared they won't like me. That is just one component of my anxiety.

I also find it hard to talk to guys. I met a man that I really like 2 years ago we were both working in the same hospital. He kept wanting to meet up with me but I couldn't do it. I would cancel on him minutes before I was due to meet him. I was worried we wouldn't have anything to talk about, or that he would think I'm a bad kisser or he won't like me. It sends me into anxiety and I tell myself I physically can't do it.  I cancelled on him about 8 times in 12 months. I eventually worked up the courage to meet him somehow, I still don't know how I did it!

I just want to live a normal life where I am confident and I can go about my day like everyone else without worrying about everything

[Doolhof]

Hi The Jig,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community. Thanks for sharing your story with us. If you don't mind me asking you a few questions, have you ever been to a Dr and discussed your anxiety problems with them? You may benefit from seeing a counsellor or a psychologist to help you better understand and deal with how you are feeling.

You could also look up anxiety here at Beyond Blue on the help pages, or chat with one of the counsellors about finding out how to start dealing with your anxiety.

There is plenty of information on the net as well that might help you.

Your mind has been following along with your anxiety all your life by the sounds of it, but you can change things. The mind can be taught to think differently.

I suggest you go and see a Dr. and ask for assistance.

There are also many stories here shared by people with anxiety. Look at some of the other posts, connect with some of the people and ask them how they are coping and what have they found useful.

Hope some of this helps you. You have taken the first step to recognise you need help, so one step at a time and you will get there.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Beltane]

Heya! Welcome to beyondblue

I want you to know that it is never too late to change how your brain thinks. I too have had anxiety since i was a young child- both my mum and i remember me having awful anxiety attacks. Mum thought i'd grow out of it, but i didnt- it got worse and worse. I didnt seek help until i was 24 because I thought that since i'd always been that way, i would always be that way- i literally couldnt understand how my life could be any different.

I too was a nurse, I became one because i wanted to help others. I was so much like you! I used to run out of exams, and later job interviews, with cold sweats, dizziness, heart racing and feeling like i would vomit (sometimes i did vomit). Clinical placements made me feel so ill, and when somehow i did manage to get a job, the job too caused huge huge anxiety.
I had the same issue with dating and relationships, even just with friends. I constantly made plans than cancelled due to panic. The few times i managed to go, i literally ran away in the middle of the date/ meeting with friends.

Anyway, as i said at 24 (3 years ago) i got to a really dark point. I wanted what other people had- fulfilling careers, happy relationships, enjoyable hobbies and friends. I felt "broken"; i thought i'd never get those things, so i felt very "hopeless". I finally got help, in the form of therapy and medication, and my life started improving within weeks. By 12 months later, i was going on dates, had a new job, new hobbies and making new friends without the anxiety overwhelming me. I needed a few med adjustments and changes of therapists over the years to really find the absolute best answer for me.

But now at the age of 27, i'm in a happy healthy serious relationship of 15 months, I have several enjoyable hobbies both at home and socially, and i've got a wonderful job that i feel confident and happy in (though its not in nursing. Once the anxiety started calming down, i realised i didn't want to be a nurse- i'm now a childcare worker.) Basically, I can handle anything these days!

Most of all, i cant remember the last time i felt "overwhelmed" by those anxiety feelings, and the symptoms have disappeared. Sure i still get nervous, but its more like butterflies in my tummy on the first day of a new job- thats totally normal, everyone has that. Its not the "running out of the room vomiting" anxiety i used to have.

Best of luck!

So i can say its never too late to change, even if we've been that way our whole lives.

[Thejig]

Thanks so much for your response. I finally feel like there's someone else in the world who I can relate too.

 I feel I'm at that stage now where all my friends are in relationships and are advancing with their careers and I haven't moved an inch in nearly 2 years.

I am now trying to find the courage to see a GP and get a referral but it's all so daunting to me. I don't feel comfortable approaching the topic. I've never ever verbally spoken about to anyone not even my mum.

[Beltane]

I used to feel like this all the time. It took me a long time to come to terms with it. You know, I'm 27 and its only now that I really feel like I'm starting to live the life I always wanted to. My younger years were just overtaken (destroyed really) by depression, bipolar, anxiety- all not treated prooerply because of course, when you have a mental illness you're often the last one to know about if or accept treatment for it.

So I watched people my age getting high degrees at uni, getting high-responsibility "careers" rather than just jobs like I had, they had serious relationships. Now many people I went to highschool with or know who are my age are married or getting married, own a home, and even have 2-5 children.

I used to really beat myself up mentally for that- like I used to think, wow, I'm like an overgrown child.

I needed a lot of therapy to help me out in a lot of ways- my mental illnesses obviously, my self esteem, my confidence, and overall just the way I pictured myself. It was a really long learning curve to finally get to the place where I am now.

I feel free. For the first time in my life, I feel free to just be who I want to be. At the age of 27, I quit the job I hated and finally bit the bullet and enrolled in the course of my dreams, to work the job of my dreams. I'm still only partway there- I'm doing a diploma now, I plan on doing a bachelor. I wont finish until I'm at least 30- at least. Do I care? No! I'm happier than ever! Because it is never too late to chase your dreams- YOUR dreams. Not the expectations of everyone else.

And yeah marriage and a home and kids and all that are on my agenda, but I don't care that I haven't got those things already. Because besides having the mental illness, obviously, overall I just wasn't the person I needed to be to make those things happen. I had lots of issues to work on before I could truly be in a place where I could be in a serious relationship, or have a "career" rather than a job, or e responsible for a mortgage.

You know, a lot of people go into those things not ready for them. They make heaps of mistakes- the divorce rate itself is like 50% isn't it?

Well maybe the extra time you and I took to "find ourselves" will give us extra skills, extra maturity, extra life experience so that we'll be more likely to make a success of those things.

That's how I look at it anyway- I have a lot of life experience that maybe others don't, and it'll help me.

[Thejig]

It's so refreshing to read what you've written, so thank you! It's like in reading my own story it's all so relatable.

I am just shy of 23 and the youngest of 4 sibling in my family. All my brothers have had full Time employment since 18 and studied part time at uni. They were all homeowners by 21-22. I on the other hand have had Casusl jobs JUST a job though. I feel pressure to follow in the foot steps of everyone else but that's just not me. There's no way I could obviously ever afford a mortgage. It's not direct pressure but just like an expectation that I should be grown up by now... Exactly an overgrown child like you said. 

My mum is also a nurse of 40 years and she loved that I followed her foot steps and my dad(died when I was 14) used to tell me that I should become a nurse and be like mother for years and years.  So for me not to have a nursing job I just feel like a let down.

The feeling  of being free is something I think about all the time. I wish all the time that I could feel a sense of freedom like other people do. Feeling free to do and be whatever you want without your mind always on your back and weighting me down. I am so glad that your are at that stage and I hope one day I will also feel that.

The thought of therapy Scares me I hate talking about myself, I find it hard to be honest about  my own feelings I'm always embarrassed so I just don't discuss. I also hate one on one conversations with a lot of people most times I genuinely can't make a connection because I can barely hear the person talking over my own persistent constant analysation if my self.. What I'm doing, how I'm standing, am I given enough eye contact, why did I say what I said.. Etc etc etc

And approaching a GPs scares me too I know what to say but I don't know what to say at the same time. The first step is always the hardest!

 Im hoping that's the way it works too, I can restart myself again and probably find something that I can love and go study again.

 I'm so happy to hear your life is going well now and you are doing something you love. It really does give me hope that one day I might get to experience all of that.

[Beltane]

I'm still afjusting to the feeling of freedom. I'm lucky, I have a wonderful partner who actively encourages me to just be me.

and I've adapted the traditional mortgage: kids/ marriage etc dreams to suit me. I too never want a big mortgage, I just can't handie the stress of having to pay it back, I don't want to akways be worried about money. You know, my dream career is a kinder teacher, I'm never going to earn that much, and that's fine by me.

if I didn't want a family, Id get one of those cool Tiny Homes. Have you ever seen them, they're amazing! They're resally cleverly designed, they're Eco friendly. They only cost 20000-30000$. I would buy a block of land in a country town outside a regional town- Id have it paid off in no time.

but I do want a family so I've compromised. Homes in regional towns or just outside regional towns are cheap cheap cheap compared to melbourne, so my partner and I plan to do that. Nice house without the massive mortgage, plus I love the country lifestyle. The city stresses me out; too many people, too much hustle and hustle.

sorry if I'm ranting a bit, I just totally get where you're at and how you're feeling and these are the kind of ideas I came up with to deal with it.

ill never be "normal". I finally got up the courage to start dressing how I wavted (long hippy skirts basically). I quit my job as a nurse- I too went into it because my family was all in medicine and I wanted to make them proud. It made me so depressed. I'm very happy with my childcare job now. I never understood before the concept of actually enjoying going to work; not dreading each shift.

i went through what you are going through too, in terms of not wanting to talk to anyone or see a psychologist or doctor. Actualky I was so against it I out up with my sympyoms for 8 years!

maybe for you, you can think outside the box. There's ajways more than one way to do sonething- like I mentioned above with the tiny house.. Maybe you'd rather go to a support group abd just listen for the furst few sessions rather than talk. Maybe you can try an online course- MindSpot Clinic (Google it) runs a free 10 week online course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. They do call you to enrol, and I think you answer a questionnaire about your synptoms just so you can check your progress as you go, but I did it and it was no big deal. 

Think outsude the box and youll find what suits you- with everything 🙂

[Maxco]

thejig, it was with interest reading your post and seeing it as a reflection of my life.  I too have experienced anxiety all my life and I understand and empathise with you.  Relationships in particular can be daunting and your reactions both physically and mentally reminded me of the number of times I tried to socialise, unable to eat and apologising profusely for not "feeling well".  The good news is, it does get better albeit not completely.  I have managed to live a "normal" life and until recently had a satisfying career working with a great team. As a anxiety sufferer I am a good listener and as such in my own way try to be a friend and confidante anybody suffering.  I don't drink, smoke or swear. I rarely raise my voice and this is seen by many as a good quality "- that nothing fazes him -".  
Then a new employee had personal issues of their own and decided to take it out on me.  I was viciously verbally abused and bullied for the first time in my life (I offered no resistance) and suffered what my doctor described as "Anxiety Acute Exacerbation".  My employer offered no assistance to me, instead siding with my "attacker".  I promptly resigned, as in my weakened mental state, I saw resignation as the simplest way to avoid further conflict and return to the status quo.  I am now under professional care for anxiety and life goes on.