My story and need suggestions

[askignquestions]

I'm new to Australia.  I moved here from the US in October to do my PhD.  I've had social anxiety forever (selective mutism as a kid and just anxiety forever) but it was under control.  I had a month of meds when I got here, but there were issues getting a doctors appointment and ran out of meds.  So my anxiety went through the roof and it started getting hard to even think- my mind would just go blank and I would sit at my desk for hours.  A professor helped me find Community Mental Health and take a month off work.

My anxiety went down and I went back to work.  I could feel my anxiety rising again, first to panic attacks then to going blank and not being able to read.  And thats where I am now.  I see the doctor weekly and we are playing with meds to prevent going blank while at the same time making it possible to interact with people.  But I dont know.  The Acute Care Team is calling me a few times a week, so I have them to talk to, but I feel so alone.  My friends don't know anything, only a couple supervisors know a bit. I just dont know what to do.  Lately its been real hard at night- I want to disappear.  I dont want the day to come and I dont want to even fall asleep.  When I walk past a mirror all I can think is how big I am.  I just feel so messed up.  I dont even know what to call any of this. 

I just need friends and I dont know how to make them with

my anxiety.  I retreat into myself all day.  But when I do that I start to have conversations in my head, playing out different scenarios.  My mind never stops, unless I go blank.  And when that happens it gets hard to talk or move sometimes.   I dont know what to do. One doctor suggested moving back home, but I want to do my PhD.  But if I can't think or read anymore, how can I?  

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

[Pixie15]

Hi askignquestions,

First off I want to applaud you. Despite suffering with anxiety you have moved from the US to Australia to undertake your PHD. This seems very courageous to me. 

I am wondering if you have tried different ways of dealing with distracting thoughts. One of the ways given to me when I did CBT was to have a worry time. Set aside 20-30 minutes a day and when the worrying thoughts start up just tell them to go away you are busy and come back at worry time. Although I ended just using the go away I am busy because I found the worry time depressing.

If you are having trouble concentrating while reading do you have good study habits. Do you highlight, make notes and paraphrase as you are reading? I find that I can read pages and have not one single word sink in to the memory if I do not do this.

Also there should be counselors on your campus who could help you with some techniques to help you cope.

If you are studying for your PHD does that mean that you will also be teaching/tutoring?

Grateful.

[askignquestions]

Hi Grateful
I mostly try to distract myself when I start to worry or get anxious.  In the past my go-to has always been work, thats partly why now is so hard- I just can't work.  I have a ball with dull spikes on it I hold and throw back and forth to give me something physical to do.  
In terms of reading I try to highlight, but even getting through one sentence is hard.  One thing I did find is enabling the screen reader on my computer to read my pdf's to me.  I still only get about 25%, but its better than nothing.  I'm just so frustrated, then I sink into "I can't do this, I dont deserve to be in Australia."
I am in a research only program, so I don't have to teach or tutor or even take classes.  I just read articles and do experiments.  Its what I like.  I'm not one for teaching large groups of people.  

[Pixie15]

Hi askignquestions,

It is good your doing what you like. Although from my experience it is a lot less stressful doing something you don't like, The stakes are not as high.

Have you tried challenging your negative thoughts? This was another technique that I was shown in CBT. It is a matter of writing down the negative messages and then challenging them at the end of the day. 

You have placed "I can't do this. I don't deserve to be in Australia" in inverted commas but what about "I'm just so frustrated". Maybe feeling frustrated is causing you to spiral into doubt and negative self talk. I had this described as a familiar pathway that once set out on you just follow automatically. If that makes sense. Like any goat track you stop using it and it disappears from the landscape.

There are obviously others who believe you able to do it and deserve to be in Australia and are willing to support you to help you see it through.

cheerio,

Grateful.

[GlassHalfFull]

Hi askignquestions,

While I'm no professional, it sounds as though the root of your problem is a social anxiety that leads to your panic attacks. I've been through it myself (I'm at uni too) and what you've described sounds very similar to my experience. The scenarios you mention are agonising, there's no doubt about it, but the most proactive way to deal with them is to draw a line through them mentally as soon as they pop up. You can even develop a little routine to go through when you feel yourself thinking unreasonably - for example, I used to take a deep breath, clench one fist and release it. You've got to remember that most of these scenarios are so farfetched and the quicker you recognise just how implausible they are, the less of an effect they can have on you. This is hard work but it is best assisted with therapy and perhaps medication (this is obviously at your doctor's discretion) - my improvement in the last 6 months with the help of these things has been life changing.

In terms of making friends, the most important thing to remember is that in most cases, the person that you're talking to/befriending often will have very similar reservations to you. No one is 100% comfortable conversing with somebody they don't know - regardless of what they will tell you. If your experience in meeting new people is anything like mine was, then you're constantly self examining while conversing with the other person and this gives you the impression that the pressure is on you to act relaxed and comfortable. It's very difficult to listen to yourself and another person at once. I think that you'll find that the more focus you put towards what they're doing, the less time you'll spend looking at yourself - from there conversation usually just flows and the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be. It takes courage, but the sense of achievement from seeing yourself improve is unbelievably uplifting.

If you're finding the PHD stressful, I'd recommend an outlet. Exercise is a great one, but try to set yourself some sort of goal to work towards (i.e an event, a weight goal, a specific number of reps at the gym) - it will just give you another way to take your mind of things. 

 My last piece of advice is very simple - don't ever let yourself think that you don't deserve to be where you are. It might not be clear right now but you've obviously worked very hard in the past and you are clearly a gifted student. Knock these negative thoughts on the head early. 

[askignquestions]

Hi guys

Sorry its been a couple days, my anxiety is ramping up again and its hard to focus and hard to reply to posts.  

I haven't tried challenging my thoughts- I dont know, I just dont believe those thoughts.  I believe the negative thoughts and I can't say the challenge because I just dont believe it.  I do try to just stop the thought, try changing focus to something else.  

I understand that the social anxiety thoughts aren't real- that people dont usually think those things about me, but again, I dont believe it.  I can cognitively think that, just not believe it. 

I see the doctor today, and she mentioned last week about starting some sort of program for social anxiety on the computer.  I dont know if I will start, or if that was just a passing thought.  But we will see.

Thanks for replying.  I just feel so alone with this, especially with not being able to tell my friends and not having good friends here. 

[Pixie15]

Hi,

Thanks for replying and good luck with the doctor today.

There is a site called "The Desk" which is designed for university students and has some tools on it which you might like to try out as well.

https://www.thedesk.org.au/login?login

Please let us know how you are going after you have seen your doctor.

Grateful.

[askignquestions]

I looked at The Desk, I might try it.  But not today.  Its been a hard day- I was very anxious all day and it hit pretty hard in the afternoon.

Last week I spoke to one of my supervisors about how its hard to read still.  She said she would talk to my principle supervisor to break the ice, then I could talk to him.  But he didn't get the email I guess, because when she sent a follow up email to see his thoughts, he was super confused.  So I sent a brief one, explaining I was still having problems, but I was super scared of his response.  In my head (and still now) my main thought was that he would fire me if he found out about how I was having trouble.  So I left early to get to my doctor's appointment so I wouldn't run into him.  I'm terrified of speaking to him next.  Usually the logical side of me will kick in and I can separate the true thoughts and the false feelings, but I can't do that right now.  Every part of me thinks I will get fired tomorrow.  I was so scared and shaking earlier today.

The doctors appointment was ok.  She did most of the talking, which I'm glad for today.  She increased a med for anxiety and depression.  And she tried to challenge the thoughts about getting fired.  And how I'm super embarrassed to have problems.  I told her how I feel like if I just worked harder, I would be better, and she almost yelled at me for believing that.  I still feel it though.  I'm just ashamed and I hate myself for having to deal with this. 

I just want to hide.  I told her that and she thinks its because of the anxiety.  The anxiety and OCD have gotten too much and have increased the depression, so I want to disappear.  But knowing that doesn't help with the feelings. 

Thanks for asking how today went.

[Pixie15]

Hi,

No pressure from me. Up to you what you try or don't try.

Your supervisor is probably super busy and quite possibly you have disappeared from their radar already. I love what you wrote about you doctor nearly yelling at you to help you understand. I know how difficult anxiety makes it to ask for help and do the things that would help in a proactive way.

I am wondering if your supervisor could just fire you anyway. It seems to me that the university would have some complicated procedure that has to be followed. It might help if you find out what that is. It would probably be documented somewhere on their site. The university I attend seem to have published procedures for everything.

Hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Grateful.

[askignquestions]

Thanks again for just being there to listen.  Its nice to just have a normal person (not a professor or doctor) to talk to who also understands.

I saw my supervisor at the gym last night and a wave of fear went through me- my stomach dropped, the whole deal.  We spoke for a minute, and he admitted he hasn't checked his email in a while (while I've been panicking over his response).  I got home and he emailed, saying it was ok.  He understands still having trouble and to take it easy.  I almost cried when I read that, from relief.  

We spoke today for a while and made a plan for how to continue in the next few weeks, with frequent check-ins.  And he said a few times, don't be scared to ask for help.  He will just try to help me.  

Looking back, I can understand that firing me was probably not likely, but in the moment I couldn't see that at all.  I'm used to knowing something and feeling something different, but always being able to distinguish the two.  The past few days I couldn't distinguish the two.  It was very scary.

So right now I feel relief.  I could only work until 2 today, probably because of the increased brainpower it took to just to stay with the conversation with him.  But I have a plan for the next week, broken down into small steps.