Is it possible I have social anxiety?

[Marnz]

Hey guys, 

Im 21 and always been a very introverted and shy person. I've never been very good at socializing in large groups of people but in the last year it's gotten worse.  I've been introduced to a lot of new people in the last year as I got a boyfriend with a very large family that I'm not use too as I grew up with just mum and dad, and I knew that would be hard for me to adjust to anyway. But  I find that whenever I am told of an event with them or an event with anyone who I havnt been friends with for along time I get filled with fear. I feel anxious and sick and I just want to avoid going at all.  If I can't avoid going I get even more terrified and sit there the whole time with my mind racing about  what they might be thinking of me. I like the people there, I just can't get any words out.  It's making me really hate myself because I don't know what to do and I think they think I am rude and don't want to talk to them but that's not the case at all. I just physically feel so overwhelmed with fear I can't get any words out and I don't know what to do...

[BenD]

Hi Marnz, welcome to beyondblue,

Unfortunately I'm not a counsellor or psychologist so I can't give you a definite diagnosis, but I get those same feelings as well. I'm 22, grew up fairly shy and introverted, and have been told those feelings that you talk about resemble some form of social anxiety.

Please. don't hate yourself for being shy! "Shyness" can have a bit of negative connotation associated with it sometimes - a lot of "shy" people are often the most considerate and modest people  going round. It sounds like you aren't doing yourself justice, I'm sure if you'd ask your family or close friends they'd remind you that you are a wonderful person.

Have you spoken to them about it (or a counsellor)? They could probably help.

That's all I've got time for now but I'll be on in the future if you would like to chat.

Ben

[Marnz]

Thanks for your reply Ben, I really appreciate it. I've been thinking lately maybe seeing a counsellor would be beneficial but I've never been very good at asking people for help, you know. It's just got a bit hard lately because my partners family are thinking that I don't really like them or want to talk to them but that's far from the case. It's making the anxiety of family functions with them worse. 

[BenD]

No worries Marnz, we're all in this together. 

On not wanting to ask for help, that is a trademark of shy, self-less people. I know it can be a bit daunting talking to someone about this and I can't guarantee perfect results (I tried opening up to a friend once and he completely dismissed my problem, it stopped me seeing a counsellor for years) but if you see a professional first and get their advice then it really can't hurt. After all, it's their job to help and so try not to be frightened by opening up to them.

The irony is that I give all this advice but I've neglected and put-off my own feelings for years (I've finally got it under control :), so please don't be put too much pressure on yourself to "sort it out" straight away, that in itself can be a cause of anxiety!

All the best,

Ben

[kinga]

BenD said:

sometimes - a lot of "shy" people are often the most considerate and modest people  going round

I preach this everyday. I second that 'considerate and modest' are rare qualities that not many have these days.

At work I'm very quiet and people think i'm rude as I don't socialise. There's nothing I can do about it so I try to clear out on the negative voices and concentrate on my strengths - turning up the dial to observe and listen to people. You'll be surprised there aren't many good listeners and observers these days.

[ann_s]

Hi Marnz - I have similar feelings to you. I find I'm ok one on one with a close friend but don't like large events with people I don't know. I always thought I was ok in social situations until I realised that most of the time I had been drinking. Since I started anti-depressants I quit alcohol and it has become apparent that I don't really know how to socialise while sober. I recently went a cousin's birthday and REALLY did not want to go as I didn't know anyone there. As I wasn't drinking I spent the whole time wanting to go home. It has been a bit of an eye-opener to realise how much alcohol has masked my inability to talk to people and be myself. On the plus side, I'm hoping over time quitting drinking will force me to learn these skills.

Do your family definitely think you don't like them - did someone tell you that specifically? Is your partner the opposite and more of an extrovert? The reason I ask about your partner is maybe his family is used to being around more outgoing people? I personally have a lot of introverted friends so I'm aware that they aren't deliberatly being rude when around people they don't know. Do you open up more to people once you know them and if so, can your partner just tell his family this?

One idea - have you ever heard of Toastmasters? If there is local group nearby they are really good at teaching you to come out of your shell and think quickly when around other people. I personally have mental blanks when I'm highly stressed and often just look like a stunned mullet when people ask me questions. Toastmasters helped me immensely with this. Just a thought.