Is it anxiety? Too scared to get help.

[scorch]

I don't really know what I'm doing here.  I guess I've been struggling with stuff for awhile and I don't know where to turn.  Maybe someone on this forum will help?  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't even manage to post this and it won't matter. 

I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder, but I've never gone to a doctor to be diagnosed.  I just can't make myself do it.  I keep telling myself I'll make an appointment but then I find an excuse to get out of it or I keep putting it off until 'next week.' 

This is going to be a long post all about me, and I'm sorry for being so selfish.  But I think I really need help and I don't know how to go about it. I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager after my boss discovered my self harm. I was forced to see a doctor who saw me only once and then made me attend counseling. I faked my way through counseling, saying what I thought they wanted me to hear and then I moved town soon after. 

I never went back to any sort of counseling, nor have I told any doctors about my depression.

I have learned to deal with my depression in my own way, without medication or help from other people.  I no longer abuse alcohol, self harm, take illicit drugs, abuse painkillers, act promiscuously or smoke cigarettes. 

Instead I write (bad) poetry and songs which help to get me out of my own head for a time.  I also read a lot, which helps me to think about other people/situations even if they are just fiction. I take photos and I play a musical instrument.  These things seem a healthier way of keeping the blanket of sadness from smothering me.

I am proud of what I have accomplished and how far I have come in the last 8 years.

But I'm not better.  I don't know how to deal with the feelings of anxiety I have. 

I'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call a friend - because what if they don't want to hear from me?  I don't want to annoy them with a text.  What if I invite them to have lunch and they say yes, but are really just being polite and don't want anything to do with me?  What if they say no straight up?  That will hurt a lot.

Thanks to my indecision and fear I don't really have any friends anymore.  I'm lonely and have no one to talk to about what I feel.

If my husband is away overnight, I freak out.  I can't sleep at the best of times, but when he is away I get paranoid.  I have spent many nights huddled in the corner of our room - lights out, holding a knife and jumping at every sound... convinced someone is trying to get inside. 

Sometimes even when my husband is home I wake up in a sweat, hearing noises and thinking that someone is robbing us.  Sometimes I'll wake him up and ask him to check the house, other times I'll stay frozen in fear - hardly breathing in case an intruder hears me.  I have nightmares about 5 nights a week.  I never sleep through a whole night.

I hate social situations.  I'm uncomfortable and awkward.  I can't stand going out to a restaurant or person's house unless I am familiar with the place.  I hate approaching a check out, I don't like ordering or speaking to the waiters/waitresses... partly because I'm shy, but mainly because I get overwhelmed with totally irrational fears that I can't even put a name to. 

In a room, I sit with my back against a wall.  I get nervous, sweaty and a rapid heart rate if I have to walk through a crowd... and I definitely won't walk through one if I'm by myself.

I rarely want to leave the house, and if I do it's to go somewhere quiet and secluded.  When I do leave, I need to check the door to make sure I locked it, and if I don't double check I end up turning the car around, going home and making sure.  I don't answer the phone if it rings.  If someone is at the door, I hide on the floor and don't move until they go away.

My husband loves me.  We do so much together, he tries so hard and is so helpful, supportive and strong... but he doesn't understand how my brain works.  It's like it never shuts off, and I'm filled with a noisy mess of non stop thoughts all trying to be heard over each other.  It's like if I can't channel my thoughts and keep them in order my head will explode from the pressure. 

Usually I can write, or even just have a good cry, and it helps keep me sane... but sometimes I am so tempted to do something stupid like kill myself and it scares me.  I don't understand it, I'm actually quite content with most aspects of my life... I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want to hasten the process.  

What is wrong with me?  Does anyone else feel like this?  What can I do to get help?  I'm so terrified to go to the doctors... is there another way? Thanks for listening to me spout on.  I appreciate it.

[Stephen123]

Hi Scorch, welcome to the board and congratulations for having the courage to post about your situation. You explain your situation very well and I,m sorry but I really think you should take some steps to get some help. Are you sure there hasn't been major trauma in your life that could have caused PTSD? Because your symptoms sound quite frightening. I,m sorry but I really must suggest that you must see a gp and then some sort of counsellor to identify what is causing all this stress. Please scorch before the symptoms get worse please see someone. The only other thing I can think of if you don,t want to go to a gp is maybe trying to locate a natural psychologist that doesn't believe in medication. There is a search tool on this website, find a health professional. I,m sorry but that is all I can think of. Please keep on posting on here to see if we can help you work things out. Good luck Scorch.

[scorch]

Thanks Stephen123

I know that you are right, I know I need help. I guess I'm just trying to work up the courage.  Sharing my situation on this forum was a big step for me, usually I keep everything inside.  Hopefully I will be able to make that next step to see a professional.  I will use the tool on this website, thanks for the suggestion.

I don't think I've experienced any major trauma.  My childhood wasn't great, but it wasn't awful... just average I guess.  I've always had feelings like this, as long as I can remember.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.  I really appreciate your concern and care 🙂

[Stephen123]

Hi Scorch, you,re welcome. I used to let everything get bottled up inside me to the point when anxiety would kick in and then the anxiety would actually build to psychosis. I think with me it was an extreme situation but it sounds to me that you only build to the anxiety point. 

I believe the key to getting mentally better is learning the ability to communicate your deepest darkest secrets to a health professional. I know that the prospect of seeing a mental health professional is very daunting but I ask you what is the alternative? The possibility of the anxiety getting worse due to not being treated?

You have done extremely well taking the first step of identifying that there is a problem and you have done even better by taking the step of reaching out on this forum. I would urge you to go all the way and seek some sort of counselling.

if at first you don,t succeed at verbally conveying your worries you could use your skills of writing letters to your counsellor. I swear that once you begin this process of communicating all your fears a very large load will come of your shoulders. It doesn't happen over night, you must work hard at it and learn the skills but once you get the hang of it you will never look back and your life will improve.

scorch please try to keep an open mind about medication as anxiety is usually treated with anti depressants. What,s the harm in giving them a go? You can always stop if you don,t like them but then again they might cure your anxiety completely.

also maybe have a think about what is in your life at the moment that causes you stress or anxiety and ask yourself if you can remove those things from your life. Working with a counsellor will help you identify what needs to be worked on.

i hope things work out for you Scorch, Stephen.

[geoff]

dear Scorch, interesting post from you although it's not an ideal situation for you to be in.

Well from what I gather from your post is that you have low self-esteem, and along with this you also have OCD.

Please google this 'low self esteem causes ocd', and please read some of it and then get back to us, I'm sure that many of the sites you will be able to associate with, and once you get back to us, we can have a more informed discussion. Geoff.

[anxiousnewbeginnings_]

Hi there,

I just wanted to let you know that you are completely not alone! And as I was reading your post, so many things just reminded me of myself, even up to 3 months ago. Im not "cured" and im not better, but im learning to cope with my anxiety now. I used to hide when people were at the door, one night I was alone and so scared, I sat in the bathroom and cried for hours until someone could come and get me, and calm me down, I felt like I was having a heart attack I had worked myself up so much. I had thought about calling 000, I thought I was dying. The good news is that it can get easier to cope!

Ive had this ongoing since 2007. But I never sought help until this year. I was also too scared. Wayyy to scared. Scared of the stigma, or that was I was gonna be called crazy, or told to stop overreacting! But funnily enough, doctors are a great first step if you want to start there. I went in one night after I had begun to self harm and I said "I think I need to see someone about how I feel right now". And that started the conversation (although I bawled throughout my admission of that)! Starting here is a great first point, it was also mine. And I wish I hadve discovered these forums back when I was younger.

But age does not matter in this. I would suggest you take some small steps to getting that help, you k now yourself you need it, but no matter how much we tell you it's a wonderful idea, it wont matter until you let yourself know it's okay.

Goodluck with everything, I wish you all the best 🙂

[geoff]

dear Anxious, welcome aboard and it's great to have you join us.

No age means absolutely nothing when it comes to posting on this site, and I suppose the older we are the more information we have to help those who are young and struggling.

You have just posted so I am worried about how you are feeling at this point of time, with Xmas a few days away, and if you will be able to cope with all the people, noise and either lack of attention or too much attention. Geoff.

[scorch]

Hi Geoff.

Thanks for your reply.  You've given me something to think about and look into.  I will definitely get googling.

[scorch]

Hi Anxious.

Thank you so very much for posting and sharing your experience.  I'm glad you are learning to cope with your anxiety 🙂 

 It sounds like you are coming a long way and that is very encouraging.  Knowing that you feel like I do, but are able to take the steps needed to get better - well, it's inspiring.

I hope that you continue to heal and that you have a wonderful and beautiful Christmas time.

Thanks again 🙂

[Neil_1]

Hi Scorch   You’ve received some great advice above (and Anxious, I hope you’re able to take some of that in as well).  

That is really wonderful to hear how much support and help your husband gives to you.  Could this just be the tipping point for you to get to your GP?  Do you think that (a) you’d be comfortable by taking your husband with you when you visit your GP;  and  (b) do you think your husband would go along with you for support?  If you’ve got a YES for both of those, then that is a massive kick start for you.  

This could also be a really valuable assistance for your husband in being able to help you at home as he will be able to perhaps learn some coping/helping mechanisms to assist you.  

Please take care and I hope you can seek out some professional help soon and write back to us and let us know how you’re going.  

Cheers  

Neil