Is it anxiety? Too scared to get help.

[scorch]

I don't really know what I'm doing here.  I guess I've been struggling with stuff for awhile and I don't know where to turn.  Maybe someone on this forum will help?  Maybe not.  Maybe I won't even manage to post this and it won't matter. 

I think I have some sort of anxiety disorder, but I've never gone to a doctor to be diagnosed.  I just can't make myself do it.  I keep telling myself I'll make an appointment but then I find an excuse to get out of it or I keep putting it off until 'next week.' 

This is going to be a long post all about me, and I'm sorry for being so selfish.  But I think I really need help and I don't know how to go about it. I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager after my boss discovered my self harm. I was forced to see a doctor who saw me only once and then made me attend counseling. I faked my way through counseling, saying what I thought they wanted me to hear and then I moved town soon after. 

I never went back to any sort of counseling, nor have I told any doctors about my depression.

I have learned to deal with my depression in my own way, without medication or help from other people.  I no longer abuse alcohol, self harm, take illicit drugs, abuse painkillers, act promiscuously or smoke cigarettes. 

Instead I write (bad) poetry and songs which help to get me out of my own head for a time.  I also read a lot, which helps me to think about other people/situations even if they are just fiction. I take photos and I play a musical instrument.  These things seem a healthier way of keeping the blanket of sadness from smothering me.

I am proud of what I have accomplished and how far I have come in the last 8 years.

But I'm not better.  I don't know how to deal with the feelings of anxiety I have. 

I'm too afraid to pick up the phone and call a friend - because what if they don't want to hear from me?  I don't want to annoy them with a text.  What if I invite them to have lunch and they say yes, but are really just being polite and don't want anything to do with me?  What if they say no straight up?  That will hurt a lot.

Thanks to my indecision and fear I don't really have any friends anymore.  I'm lonely and have no one to talk to about what I feel.

If my husband is away overnight, I freak out.  I can't sleep at the best of times, but when he is away I get paranoid.  I have spent many nights huddled in the corner of our room - lights out, holding a knife and jumping at every sound... convinced someone is trying to get inside. 

Sometimes even when my husband is home I wake up in a sweat, hearing noises and thinking that someone is robbing us.  Sometimes I'll wake him up and ask him to check the house, other times I'll stay frozen in fear - hardly breathing in case an intruder hears me.  I have nightmares about 5 nights a week.  I never sleep through a whole night.

I hate social situations.  I'm uncomfortable and awkward.  I can't stand going out to a restaurant or person's house unless I am familiar with the place.  I hate approaching a check out, I don't like ordering or speaking to the waiters/waitresses... partly because I'm shy, but mainly because I get overwhelmed with totally irrational fears that I can't even put a name to. 

In a room, I sit with my back against a wall.  I get nervous, sweaty and a rapid heart rate if I have to walk through a crowd... and I definitely won't walk through one if I'm by myself.

I rarely want to leave the house, and if I do it's to go somewhere quiet and secluded.  When I do leave, I need to check the door to make sure I locked it, and if I don't double check I end up turning the car around, going home and making sure.  I don't answer the phone if it rings.  If someone is at the door, I hide on the floor and don't move until they go away.

My husband loves me.  We do so much together, he tries so hard and is so helpful, supportive and strong... but he doesn't understand how my brain works.  It's like it never shuts off, and I'm filled with a noisy mess of non stop thoughts all trying to be heard over each other.  It's like if I can't channel my thoughts and keep them in order my head will explode from the pressure. 

Usually I can write, or even just have a good cry, and it helps keep me sane... but sometimes I am so tempted to do something stupid like kill myself and it scares me.  I don't understand it, I'm actually quite content with most aspects of my life... I'm not afraid of death, but I don't want to hasten the process.  

What is wrong with me?  Does anyone else feel like this?  What can I do to get help?  I'm so terrified to go to the doctors... is there another way? Thanks for listening to me spout on.  I appreciate it.

[geoff]

dear Scorch, that's good Neil.

Scorch, I'm pleased you don't take size 14 shoe like I do because it wouldn't it into the picture. lol

Because you have now placed a picture of any sort on the site means a hell of lot, and what it means is that now you feel as though you trust us, and guess what your absolutely right, we are here for you all the way. Geoff.

[scorch]

size 14?  Wow... my husband takes that size too.  Shoe shopping is always a hassle.

Thanks for your message.  I'm sorry it's taken so long for me to reply, I haven't had any internet access since before Christmas - I'm back now though.  I missed participating in the forum even though I've only been part of this community for a short time. I hope you had a safe and happy Christmas/New Year.  🙂

[MaryG]

Hey scorch,

as the others have said, you are definitely not the only one. I share many of the same fears as you do and I am only just now after many years actually admitting to some of them out loud and others just to myself. I was also too scared to talk to anyone or ask for help and it took me a few attempts but I finally did. I have found that my GP and psychologist take me very seriously and whilst I was extremely anxious about seeing the psychologist the first time, it does get easier. It is very helpful to me to talk openly with someone who is not emotionally tied to me in any way and who is trained to listen and offer real solutions to my issues.

 This may not be for you, but I have found minfulness meditation to be very helpful. I only do 10 minutes at a time but I really believe it is helping me get better. It teaches you to be aware of your thoughts and feelings, but not to engage with them or be drawn in to them. In recent weeks I have had periods of great anxiety and depression and on the most part I have been like an observer and not a participant in these episodes. Not sure if that makes sense, but that's how it feels. I am not always successful at not being drawn into these episodes, but I am slowly moving forward.

I use a meditation app on my phone from mentalworkout.com. It is simple and works for me. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that with small steps it is possible to get better. There is no one easy answer but I hope you are able to take that first step and talk to your GP. (I had to take my husband and he talked mostly and I cried.) 

One thing that I have learned is that if there are things I am too anxious to do, (like talk to a waiter at a restaurant or make a phone call) I admit that I can't do it (really hard for my perfectionist personality to admit) and ask my husband to do it for me. It was such a relief to me the first time I allowed myself to get him to help. 

Take care

Mary.

[scorch]

Thank you Mary.  I will definitely try meditation, it sounds like it works well for you.

I function better when I manage to escape the non-stop rush in my own headspace for a few minutes, so it seems like meditation might be a good way to go.

Also, it sounds like your husband is really supportive of you.  That is awesome 🙂

[staystrongsoldieron]

Plz take a little comfort in knowing ur not alone.. before being diagnosed with anxiety,  panic disorder and OCD I would obsessively check my windows and doors were locked before bed.. then id lay in bedmy heart racing knowing that they're were locked but needing to check one more time, then another and another.  It would go on all night. I would also analyze every noise,  every movement that I heard.  I slept with a baseball bat under the bed,  which I would check was within arms reach.  I was so paranoid of someone breaking in and harming our daughter or stealing our dogs or lighting our house on fire.. and no matter what I couldn't stop these thoughts.  I knew they were irrational but in my mind it was normal.  I barely slept because of the fear.  

My daughter is 6 this year and still sleeps with me because shes safer with me then alone in bed. What if there is a fire or a car crashes into our house.  These thoughts plagued me all the time.

Ii am on medication now which helped dramatically and trying to keep headstrong. Counseling did help me but towards the end I thought in my head that my therapist only knew these things from a text book, not personal experience.  So I done my own studying. Which I do recommend.  Research anxiety,  the affects it can have,  how to help yourself,  how to understand it all. It helped me. 

Xx