Intrusive thoughts

[purelight]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I have been following with interest people's stories and realising that I should share my story in the hope that one or more of you could help me. And perhaps down the track I might be able to help others. I have had ocd for as long as I can remember. My dad had ocd, although he never admitted it and it was obvious that his sister has it as well. At first the ocd centrered around doing things a set number of times. eg As a child of about 10 years of age I felt I needed to get into and out of bed a set number of times before "it felt right" This progressed to checking taps, doors and other appliances numerous times. When I had children I would check on them numerous time while they were asleep just to make sure thy were still breathing and that I hadn't covered their head with the blankets. My most debilitating obsession is my intrusive thoughts and when the ocd is not being managed appropriately this is what brings me unstuck. I am 58 years old and I'm still bothered by the same horrible intrusive thoughts. A while ago I decided that my medications were not as effective as they had been. I decided to wean off the meds, one was an SSRI and the other an anti psychotic. I did this without really listening to my psychiatrist.After I'd weaned down to a certain level I then swapped over to a different SSRI. Under the guidance of my psychiatrist I have now increased the dose of the SSRI to a level I can tolerate and am about to increase dramatically the dosage of the anti psychotic. My question is have any of you who are troubled by intrusive thoughts found that you need to be on quite a hefty dose of an anti psychotic before the thoughts are able to be kept in check? I have been going through menopause and my mum died late last year which are also contributing factors. I have felt bad for so long now and wonder when this hell on earth will disappear. I have taken two weeks off work as I wasn't coping and wonder if I'm ever going to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Any helpful thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[purelight]

Hi Chloekat, is this the first time you have seen a psychiatrist or is this a new one you are seeing. Either way, it will be good to talk to someone who will be able to help you untangle the jumble that is mental health. I feel I am still struggling but I've walked this path before and know I have got better in the past. Our brains are such complex things! Thinking of you. xx

[geoff]

dear Purelight, I'm so pleased that you have responded because it was only this morning when I was trying to remember your username, sorry some brain damage but also the number of posts that I reply to I get lost. lol

Can I suggest that as you are going back to work, which is great, but your thoughts are going to be on 'what if' and 'what will I do' and will I be accepted and the list goes on, well you don't know how it will go and how you will cope, well this is only spectaculating and try not to torment your OCD, because the more you worry then the more agitated you will become so if it does happen turn your mind to something that you enjoy. L Geoff. x

[purelight]

Thanks Geoff for your words of encouragement x

[Chloekat84]

Hey Purelight. This is the first time ive ever seen a psychiatrist so pretty nerve wracking. Luckily the local hospital is going to pay for taxi vouchers so i dont need to worry about public transport and if i would be home in time to pick up my daughter from childcare. Appointment is at 3 and i need to et my daughter at the latest by 6 so with a taxi that will be possible otherwise id have to get my family to help out which they dont like to do unless they really have to. Well wish me luck. Ill let u no how it all went. Take care x

[geoff]

dear Chloekat, as it's your first time you are going to worry, but if you can look at it this way, it's just a person to talk to, stranger and all, but they are trained to help people with this awful illness.

I want to wish the very best. L Geoff. x

[Chloekat84]

Thanx Geoff i hope all goes well today as well

[purelight]

Dear Chloekat, I'll be thinking of you as you see the psychiatrist.I remember when I first went and I was very apprehensive.You will be ok and I hope the person you see gives you greater hope for recovery. They are trained in the area of mental health. Be honest. Nothing you say will surprise them if they are a good psych. Look forward to hearing how you get on. x

[purelight]

Dear Chloekat, how did your first trip to the psychiatrist go?No doubt it involved a whole mixture of emotions. Look forward to hearing about your experience.

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, I found out yesterday that my urine test showed that I have borderline pyroluria. A result of between 1-10 is normal. 10-20 is considered borderline and 20 and higher denotes pyroluria. I won't know until I get my blood results back just what that means. I have just got back from seeing the psychologist who I like.She feels I have  ongoing grief for my mum which is adding to the ocd/depression. She says that I probably need to sit with this depressed mood and tell myself that it is part of the grieving process.I go back to work tomorrow so I am apprehensive. Hope you are well. x

[Chloekat84]

Hey Purelight. Yes the psychiatrist appointment went well and i finally have a diagnosis for why i feel the way i do. I was told i have borderline personality disorder as well as dysthymia which is a type of depression. We mainly just talked about my feelings and my past and how messed up my life has been and that helped her make the diagnosis. From now on ill be seeing my doc now and be put on mood stabalizers and hopefully can manage the illness now we know its more than just anxiety and depression. Feeling a little posistive about the future once im better 🙂 Hope ur having a good day. Take care x