Intrusive thoughts

[purelight]

Hi everyone, this is my first post but I have been following with interest people's stories and realising that I should share my story in the hope that one or more of you could help me. And perhaps down the track I might be able to help others. I have had ocd for as long as I can remember. My dad had ocd, although he never admitted it and it was obvious that his sister has it as well. At first the ocd centrered around doing things a set number of times. eg As a child of about 10 years of age I felt I needed to get into and out of bed a set number of times before "it felt right" This progressed to checking taps, doors and other appliances numerous times. When I had children I would check on them numerous time while they were asleep just to make sure thy were still breathing and that I hadn't covered their head with the blankets. My most debilitating obsession is my intrusive thoughts and when the ocd is not being managed appropriately this is what brings me unstuck. I am 58 years old and I'm still bothered by the same horrible intrusive thoughts. A while ago I decided that my medications were not as effective as they had been. I decided to wean off the meds, one was an SSRI and the other an anti psychotic. I did this without really listening to my psychiatrist.After I'd weaned down to a certain level I then swapped over to a different SSRI. Under the guidance of my psychiatrist I have now increased the dose of the SSRI to a level I can tolerate and am about to increase dramatically the dosage of the anti psychotic. My question is have any of you who are troubled by intrusive thoughts found that you need to be on quite a hefty dose of an anti psychotic before the thoughts are able to be kept in check? I have been going through menopause and my mum died late last year which are also contributing factors. I have felt bad for so long now and wonder when this hell on earth will disappear. I have taken two weeks off work as I wasn't coping and wonder if I'm ever going to see that light at the end of the tunnel. Any helpful thoughts, suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[purelight]

Thankyou Chloekat and Geoff, thankyou for your replies. This morning I went to see a Nutritionist for the first time. She wants me to have a special urine test done that tests for a condition called Pyroluria. It is a genetic condition that causes anxiety, depression and withdrawal and most often starts in late-teens and continues throughout a person"s life.Very interesting. Too much to write here but look up the condition.I had also previously had hair analysis done and was found to have high copper levels in my body along with low zinc.A combo that is not good for those of us who have depression/anxiety.I am presently on a copper detox regime which also can worsen these two conditions as the copper is eliminated. Ultimately the detox is meant to help. Some interesting topics to explore.

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, can you explain why that was  a turning point with your intrusive thoughts? I'm interested to know. X

[geoff]

dear Purelight, I have looked up Pyroluria and whow it seems to be so interesting, I've never heard of it before, so your Nutritionist must be very cluey, and would love to know the blood test goes.

I think the turning point was when my poor Mum was so defenseless, just lying there, that I thought that I could never ever hurt her then, because her life had changed so much and she was the one that needed to be looked after, and as part of my obligation was to now look after her as best as I could.

She passed away a few years ago now, and if I can possibly say, that my love for her was unquestionable, but for her it was best that she is laid to rest, because her dementia was non-existent.

That's why my thought about intrusive thoughts takes me back to my Mum, so I don't want to think about them any more. L  Geoff. x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff I'll keep you posted on "Pyroluria". Today I went into work to pick up my next roster. I'm meant to be returning to work on Monday. I know I'm not well enough in myself so I'm going to request a further week off. Luckily I had accumulated a lot of sick leave.The anxiety has improved on medication but the depression hasn't. I am going to contact the psychiatrist re medication. This is a long slow road.It's good to have friends on BB with  whom I can share my story. Take care. x

[geoff]

dear Purelight, it's good that you have plenty of sick leave.

Do you have any plans for the week end, and did you understand how I tried to explain about 'my intrusive thoughts, because sometimes it's so hard to write down what the brain is thinking. L Geoff. x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, I am going to a spiritual retreat on the weekend. This was booked some time ago before I felt like this. Part of me doesn't want to go as I don't want to talk to others. Another part of me thinks it could be worthwhile. I wasn't really sure how you managed to suddenly cope with the intrusive thoughts. I know that is best to accept them as purely thoughts  and I try to do that. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad and that I'm really a monster in disguise. The psychologist said it is because of how I view these thoughts that causes the anxiety. In my mind  it feels as if I've already committed a crime.I wish I could rewire my brain. I look forward to hearing back from you and wish you well. X

  want to go as  

[geoff]

dear Purelight, I understand what you are saying, but please don't be afraid of this spiritual retreat, there maybe something that comes out from going that may unlock a door, and remember that these other people feel no different than what you do, probably apprehensive and a little scared, no different than how you feel.

I hope it goes well for you, and take care. L Geoff. x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff, have a relaxing weekend.x

[purelight]

Hi Geoff and Chloekat, I'd like to say firstly Chloekat that I'm sorry you find that people don't always respond to your posts. I know how I felt when I had to wait a while before my initial post was answered.You are just desperate for some words of wisdom and reassurance that things will get better. Well life goes on. I am planning on returning to work in three days after 3 weeks off work due to depression/ocd symptoms. Even the thought worries me.My anxious feelings have been helped with the medication I take and it also enables me to get a good night's sleep. The intrusive thoughts are the problem. I have been listening to Katie D'Arth, a behavioural psychologist who specializes in ocd. She is worth listening to. She has produced a series that you can access on the net.She of course reiterates what I already know. You can't control the thoughts or get rid of them. You need to let them occur and then place them aside and get on with life.She says herself that it isn't easy. I am still waiting for results re pyroluria. I also had a blood test done. An MTHFR test which sometimes picks up hereditary factors relating to depression /ocd . Also worth researching. I send my love and positive vibes to both of you. xx

[Chloekat84]

Thanx for the response purelight. I am hanging in there so to speak and see my psychiatrist next monday for the first time so feeling nervous about that. I hope things are a bit better with you at the moment. Well wishes xxx