Introvert but lonely

[daisy211]

I have always been an introvert my whole life and I am a socially awkward person. I tend to avoid meeting new people and never initiate conversations out of the fear of judgement. I am currently living in a share house with 3 other people, they are all very close to each other but I am always spending time in my room because I always avoid social interactions. I know they never want to inflict harm on me or anything but from my past experience, every time I speak up or be social people would be like "wow she talks!" and things like that so it makes me nervous to do that now, even to new people. Because of this, I am very much socially awkward and I struggle a lot to make new friends. Making friends as an adult is already a difficult enough thing to do, let alone when you have anxiety. I have never really talked to my housemates at all (apart from small talks) and so sometimes I feel very lonely at home. In my previous share house, my housemate told me I'm like a hermit, always hiding in my room and that made me feel so bad about myself. I really want to change and go out there to meet new people but my anxiety makes it so hard to talk to others. I will stutter, my arms will tremble, and I usually can't focus on the conversation. Does anyone else share the same problem? If so, how do you overcome this?

[MidnightOil]

Hey daisy211,

I definitely hear you on this and I'm sure many other people in the forums will agree. Even if they don't mean it to, people commenting on how quiet we are can make us even less likely to want to talk.

For me, sometimes I find it easier to start with one-on-one conversations. From what you've said about your housemates, it seems like because they're close, it's easy to feel left out if you talk to them as a group. Maybe if you talk to them one at a time it will be easier to have a conversation? Another thing you could try is just doing things in a common area instead of your room (for example, watching a tv show on the couch, doing work at the dining table or eating in the kitchen). Even if you're not directly interacting with them, it shows that you're not trying to isolate yourself and you can see/speak to your housemates as they pass you. Hopefully this will build up to longer conversations.

This one can be hard, but sometimes we need to give people the benefit of the doubt and give them a chance to react well without assuming they'll react badly (I know this is much easier said than done). You mentioned that in the past people have made comments when you do eventually speak up - which is so frustrating - but I hope that your housemates would not do the same if you tried to speak to them.

Another thing that I've done a couple of times in the past is a movie night. It's a nice relaxing thing that you could do with your housemates and you can make occasional comments without the need to hold a full conversation. Once the movie is done you can talk about it, or other similar movies which is a good, safe conversation topic. If you're worried about initiating something like this, you could just say you're watching a movie and invite anyone to join if they want. Maybe you could ask what kind of movies or tv shows they like? Some other generally safe conversation topics are pets, sports/hobbies and music.

One last thing - that I still struggle with but I'm getting better all the time and it makes a huge difference - is try not to let a couple of awkward conversations get you down too much. Some of my best friends today started off as very awkward interactions but eventually we found things to talk about and became more comfortable around each other.

Good luck and don't be so hard on yourself. I hope your housemates turn out to be really nice and feel free to come back and let us know how you go 🙂

[Egbert97]

Hi Daisy,

I can fully sympathise with your predicament. However, I’d say you’re doing better than you give yourself credit: the fact that you’re aware you’ve got an introverted personality but you still want friends is a great step. I used to believe I was an introvert so much that whenever I had feelings of wanting more from life or wanting to reach out to others, I actively dismissed those feelings or pretended they didn’t exist. You know what you want and that’s a good first step.

Firstly, I’d perhaps try speak to a GP. You may have some form of social anxiety, however minute, that they can diagnose and give you help on. So much of my perspective on life and myself changed when I found out that I wasn’t alone and that people my age (23) and older still have these issues and don’t have to suffer alone. As for some advice - it really sucks that the few times you’ve made an effort, your housemates have either shunned or made fun of you. However I feel that honesty is the best policy - if you muster up the courage to tell one of them personally, that you’ve got social anxiety, if they’re nice people, they’ll know not to give you negative attention when you do reach out.

It’s important not to let the past define you. You’ve got your whole life to figure things out and a few awkward moments or conversations don’t define you.

I think taking these simple steps/goals will help you heaps. Feel free to come back and ask for more advice and let us know how you’re going 🙂 you’ve got this.

[Sarcastic_star]

Dear Daisy,

I know what you are going through, my life has also been similar to yours. Not able to initiate conversation and that stutter,always alone, I know.

But this past year, I took therapy and it really helped. 

Firstly, you should not think that others will judge you, no one gives a damn about anyone, I don't want to be hypocritical, but I everyday say to myself and it kinda help you make yourself belief.

Try to meditate atleast 2-3 minutes, it will help in suppressing negative thoughts, literally it works.

My anxiety quite high, that I used to stutter while speaking so I learnt a technique so suppress it, it was air flow technique. In this you have to take a breath and make words come out of your mouth with the exhaling air from lungs, Google it, it's worth.

And everyday make a goal to call any two people everyday, force yourself.

You can also call unknown numbers, just search any other city's college or university helpline and try to ask any query, I do that I lot, at starting it's fearful job but you will get used to it.

And daily talk less but talk to anyone slowly, that's important, it will build up confidence.

I know the things doesn't seem to work but believe try to make a habit out of it and you will change.

After doing the things I told you, sometimes I get anxiety but still I get back as I meditate and do the stuff I told you 

Hope it will help, i know it's not that detailed but we all get from this, i know this world seems ferocious at times but you know we can be just fine.

Believe in yourself, i mean it

Take care 

[Fairmaiden64]

Hi

Yes, this is me all over. I had to do the share house thing probably 9 times in the last 15 years after leaving a long term DV situation. I am in a rental myself now and I thank God for that much atm. I can't deal with people and never know what to say as I always appear to be the black sheep with the opposite opinion to everyone else, so I gave up humiliating myself. My social phobia cut in more towards 35, after years and years of just trying to be accepted but to date I still fit in nowhere, and like you, I always spent all my time in my room by myself and received lots of judgement for that, when I wasn't even hurting anyone. Some people see this as arrogance but it's fear and some frustration. I also don't don't do shops or visitors well