Inability to make big decisions

[MrSavoy]

Hi,

I have always been a bit of an over-thinker or procrastinator, a bit negative at times, and just kind of dealt with it. I have always found it difficult to make decisions, but decisions that only affected me and were easy to get over. However recently couldn't go through with a big decision and really let my partner down and feeling really terrible about the whole thing now.

We put an offer in on a house which was accepted - I got terribly cold feet about it and seemed to concentrate on every negative thing about it and the whole process of selling our house, home loans, etc. My anxiety got so bad I couldn't think clearly about the whole situation, I literally got sick overnight and was totally run-down from work at the same time - eventually my girlfriend said don't worry about it, I cooled off on the purchase and it was done.

Now I'm realising I'd gotten my self in such a state I couldn't accept that we had finally bought our dream house, offer was accepted, my girlfriend was totally in love with the house, it was well within our budget, everything went right and even then I couldn't accept it and I've gone and ruined the whole thing. Now we are back to square one still in our little house that we don't particularly like (even more so knowing what we could have been coming home to every night) - the other house sold the very next day and I feel like I'll be in a state of 'what could have been' for ever. It has definitely affected my relationship. If the same opportunity came up again I'd like to think I've learned from this but I'm not so sure I wouldn't get stuck again.

Now it's really affecting my outlook and level of un-happiness. Feel like I'm working so hard and saving money for nothing because I can't even go through with deals like this. My girlfriend kind of says it doesn't matter so long as I'm happy, but it's really made me totally devastated that I let her down (well the both of us down) and couldn't handle the situation.

So struggling to deal with my current situation, and wondering what I can do to make better decisions in the future. I should have been able to take a step back and realise what I was doing. It was even pointed out that my stress and state of mind was affecting my decision making and couldn't recognise it as someone trying to help me.

I totally understand I should feel lucky to be in the position I am in - but just struggling at the moment.

Thanks for listening

[smallwolf]

MrSavoy,

Hello and welcome to beyond blue.

I can see the frustration in your post. But also remember that buying a house can be a really big deal. Assuming you went through with it all, would you be happy? An alternative view is that other houses will come onto the market. Is it possible that the next house you both see is better than the one you put an offer on?

On the plus side, your partner appears to be supporting you here. I know this is easy to say, but listen to her. And hard as it is, try not to over-analyze things. This is something my wife says to me, And I need to listen to her 🙂

Some of the stuff you were speaking of sounded like me. Though I would not, or did not, recognise it as anxiety. Whereas for you it sounded like the deal fell through, for me we bought the house, and rather than thinking of the 'wow, we own a house', my thought was 'oh, now we got a debt, and owe the banks, and if we dont make it then...' and all the other worries.

Now, I am not a trained professional, but I did not some 'shoulds' in your email which is something that I am working through with my psych, which for me are cognitive disorders. Other traits are all or nothing, labelling etc.There are ways to help deal with this.

So the question is what you can do help you manage the stress? Were you after some suggestions to help you manage anxiety? Or were you just looking for an outlet for your frustration? Or all the above?

Anyway, if you want to chat some more....?

Tim

[MrSavoy]

Thanks for the reply Tim. We had signed contracts and they accepted the offer - the house was ours until my anxiety kicked in and i used the cooling off period and cancelled the deal. And now I am really regretting how i handled the situation and the resulting outcome. I have always had small moments of anxiety as most people prob do, but this is the first time felt like I was close to nervous breakdown point. Anxiety seems to paralyse me whenever I'm confronted with major decisions. I feel now like I would have loved life in this house. This is the second one we had a go at in 3 years of looking so it's I'm finding it hard to see something else pop up. I am really hoping for advice on how to go ahead with confidence and excitement when these opportunities come up like most people do. I seem to over analyse and always talk myself out of great opportunities. I think it's a combination of anxiety, fear of change and probably a lack of confidence. I'm also venting my frustration with myself a bit so thanks for reading - I appreciate your response

[smallwolf]

If you want to try to do this on your own, you could always read "The Happiness Trap". It is a book recommended to me by my psych. There is a bunch of useful stuff in that book. And if that does not work, be aware that professional help (GP or otherwise) is always available?

On the forums here, you might also like to lookup topics on grounding, mindfulness and relaxation.

And houses can be like shares (is some regards)... regretting the one that got away?

For anxiety, it is all about recognizing triggers and then using distraction and coping techniques. Easier said than done! But it is doable.

Tim

[MrSavoy]

Thanks Tim - I will check out the happiness trap. I think putting my thoughts out there and having someone respond has helped as well so cheers 🙂 might go through my concerns with gp and see what he thinks.

[smallwolf]

Yes. Writing or maintaining a journal can be helpful. The difference between the two is that here you also get the benefit of feedback. Good luck and if you want to, let me know how you are going?

Tim