I think I have an eating disorder

[sparrowhawk]

Hi everyone.

Early last year I was diagnosed with a chronic gastrointestinal disorder which causes me to regurgitate/vomit food unintentionally. It was itself triggered by a virus and can be impacted by stress, illness and traumas. I was pretty sick at that time, where I lost a lot of weight and was really feeling weak. I was treated in hospital and had amazing support from a dietitian and psychologist, and slowly gained a bit of strength and weight back.

I've noticed that my issues have really progressed into the psychological. I'm underweight and feeling terrified of gaining weight. I have had to move to a new treatment, to help stop triggering my GI symptoms, and I think this has actually strengthened the disordered stuff as I can really reduce and control my calorie intake. Finding myself thinking a LOT about food. The thing is, I know it's not good to be restricting, and I know I need to eat healthily, but it's like these thoughts come so intrusively.

My psychologist conducted an ED assessment the other day and she thinks I have anorexia. I am going to my GP to get it confirmed but to be honest I feel like that is really what it is. I feel like things are such a mess. I have very kind support from people. There's this huge need in me to talk about it with others but then an equally huge one to protect myself.

Anyone else in a similar boat - how did you tackle things?

[sparrowhawk]

Hi Learn to Fly,

Thank you so much. You have left me feeling very heard and validated. Safety is really where it's at. At the moment, my ED behaviours and even the foods I do eat are "safe" for me, because I have some control over them I guess. And you're so right - I know in hindsight they're wrong, but at the time it feels like they are the only thing I can do.

I am really my own worst enemy - and I'm sure many of us can say that about ourselves! I'm not kind to myself at all, yet as you say, I think there is a kindness in acknowledging the truth. Because once we see the truth, we can do something to fix it.

I love your perspective of just taking it day by day. This is so helpful, as I'm finding myself so caught up in worries about the future. "Overcome" is such a loaded word with so much responsibility, and I really think the challenge for me is to be able to say "This is where I am at today". Not putting pressure on myself to "work" at something, or "overcome", or "fight". Just getting through the day.

I have a lot of supports. I saw my dietitian today and she really listened. We were talking about the cycle of the ED, and she said it sounds very reasonable why I would fall into behaviours if I have certain fears. She is very hopeful about my recovery, and while I am very anxious about it really, it helps to have someone who is hopeful.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Thank you for your kind response. I am so glad to hear you have a strong support around you. This is so important and helps so much. You are loved, people care about you and what’s happening with you and lots will understand or at least genuinely attempt to understand what’s happening with you.
You are doing such a good job with initiating all the things that will shape up your way to recovery. I loved how you mentioned your talk with your mum. I imagine it would’ve been very hard to her too to stay supportive but refrain from advising and intervening.

You are not your worst enemy, quite the opposite: you are your own best friend who sees that the person whom she loves suffers and is working hard and trying your best to help her. You are stronger than you think. Look how far you have already come. And yes, maybe there is even longer way ahead… But maybe not? Who can really tell?

It’s here and now that matters and what you have already achieved to get to this point.