I think I am suffering anxiety

[Alexander]

I am a middle aged male in a happy home environment. My youngest daughter last year experienced an event related to vomiting (a gear of) that led to her rapidly losing weight and displaying a range of really weird behaviours ranging from scratching her skin to saying she just wanted to die. This culminated in her being admitted to hospital to be refed via a naso gastric tube. Since then she has gained weight but there are still a whole range of anxious behaviours continuing. 

At the start of the school year she has made it very difficult for us to get her to school. She says she likes the school but comes up with many reasons why she can't go. This revolves around her stomach and the sick feelings she gets. We have been seeing a group therapy team since she left hospital which has been helpful but there still seems to be so much unresolved business.

This experience has left me feeling very distressed and unsure what the future will bring. I work a high pressure job but I am now constantly worried about what the future looks like because I can't see past the problems we are currently experiencing. I feel I cannot be an effective father because I get unreasonable angry when my daughter won't conform to what I see as a normal behaviour such as getting up and going to school. I know we have to deal with this but in the meantime I feel like my usually strong character is dissolving me into an anxious person. I have seen a psychologist and occasionally take a half a relaxation tablet. I have lightened up my professional workload but I still feel vulnerable and as a result, I am worried what the future will bring

[Pixie15]

Hi,

A few thoughts that I could relate to from what you have written.

You are used to having a high pressure job but most likely you are not being asked at work to take responsibility for what you can't control.

As a parent you have a responsibility for your daughter but because of her mental health issues you can't get her to fit into the "normal" behavior pattern. 

If you want to support your daughter through school it might be necessary to do things in a little less "normal" way at least in the short run. You may be able to make an arrangement to ease her school day a little. Like arranging a lunch pass so she can get away for a bit in the middle of the day. I did this for my son for awhile.

It's good that you care enough to lighten your professional workload but if you are hanging around impatiently waiting for her to get well that probably isn't helping either of you.

Worrying too much about the future or the past will feed your anxiety. Try to ground yourself in the present.

It is good that you still feel you have a happy home environment. I hope you manage to keep that.

Peace.

[sos54]

Hi Alexander I am sorry to read of your daughter's problems and your distress. It is great that you have taken steps to get help yourself. It can be very difficult dealing with problems like this with your children. My experience with my son was made easier by me working part time. He has similar sounding issues with stomach. Problems and missed a huge amount of high school. I one day just thought the most important thing is that he is well. in his whole life the missing school didn't matter - there are many options to deal with this once his physical problems re sorted. he is now successfully working in a job he loves with no need for medication.

I am sure you are an effective father and while it is hard to step back when things change and don't go how we planned try and look after yourself and take time out from your issues to do things you enjoy. You have got your daughter through her initial problems and sought help for yourself both outside and now here. that is all very positive. Perhaps your daughter will look back and appreciate the support you have given her the most. It is very very difficult I know [ I have another family member who could not go to school and now at a young age is isolated at home and dealing with many mental health issues so have some understanding. I also have known several teenagers with similar issues to your daughter.] My feeling is the most important thing is to help you to cope and get her well. One thing I thought reading your post you say she is doing group therapy - if she isn't seeing someone one on one perhaps that would be valuable.I

Another thought my son had terrible stomach pains and spend half his days in the toilet when he could not go to school. he initially talked to my local Dr who was very good and said it was a combination of stress, anxiety and perhaps some issues like irritable bowel. He took an antidepressant when he was at school and it helped a lot. We ended up having an endoscopy done and it picked up that he was lactose intolerant. He was 17 at the time and had not been in the past. He had had a severe gastro bug the year before it started and the specialist said that could have triggered the lactose intolerance. It may be something to look into. He also couldn't tolerate preservatives in food. We encouraged him to do things he loved [art, music, computers] and once he was past high school and in uni [ he got in through a portfolio so results didn't matter] he became happier in his life and was with people with common interests and he was able to go off the medication and just is careful about food. As you say you have a happy home I hope 2014 can get that back for you. Are there things your daughter likes doing you can encourage and things as a family you could do ?

 Sorry if I sound rambling but I read your post and it is so familiar to me. I hope this helps a little and hope you let us know how you are going. I will check back and happy if you have any questions to answer from my experience.

[Mbuna]

Alexander,

It sounds like you are showing some signs of anxiety. As a sufferer, I do understand how you are feeling. Having to face a problem that we don't have answers for its not easy for anyone.  Its even harder when the problem is affecting a loved one. I know how you are felling right now and I sympathize with you because I know how horrible those feelings are. Your daughter is getting help and you have started to see a psychologist. That is a very important step for both of you. Trying to deal with these feelings by yourself can be hazardous. I tried and it completely overwhelmed me.

I'm not a trained professional and I don't have a good understanding of your situation. I can give you some statistics that may help you feel a bit better however. Studies show that 20% of teens will suffer some form of depression before they reach adulthood. If it is caught early, the chances of treating it are very good. The point I am trying to make is that your daughter has developed a mental condition that is treatable. She is not alone and there is help out there for her. You have recognized the problem early and you have organized for her to get help. Things have started to improve. They wont get better over night but you have done everything right. I know you are frustrated with her at the moment but getting angry will probably not help the situation. She probably has a number of issues to deal with at the moment. If she thinks she is disappointing her father as well, it will just give her something else to worry about. She has to go to school and you probably need to be firm with her. Try and do it without getting angry if you can.

You say you are worried about what the future will bring. Anxiety does that. We worry about all sorts of things that may or may not happen in the future. Sometimes we worry about the worrying. I know I did. Your psychologist should be able to help you with some techniques to help with the worry. I take St Johns Wort and that helped me a bit. Check with your GP before you use this though especially if you are taking other medication. I also kept myself active and busy. If I was busy I had less time to worry.  Exercise is also extremely helpful. I now walk a lot and have taken up boxing classes. I don't fight but do a lot of glove and bag work. Its a good cardio workout and it also helps release some of the frustration in a safe and healthy way. I found that over time i had disconnected from my wife and kids. I made a concerted effort and started do things as a family. It helped me a lot. Once you start to get help and realize how anxiety works, you can start to fight it. Now that you are getting help things should start to improve. Hopefully sooner than later 🙂

Kind Regards

Mbuna

[Alexander]

Thanks sos54. It is a saga and I know my daughter needs both of us to be strong. Since the school year has returned things have been very unsettled. We saw the team the other day and have modified our expectations which seems logical. She is still complaining  of a sore stomach and does not believe it is anxiety but we are sure it is. This has led her to have had chronic diarrhea for the last week. Her goal weight of 42 kg was not reached and we were so close before. This is when the team say dealing with the anxiety rather than putting on weight would be undertaken. We feel she needs the emotional help now as she doesn't seem to have any skills available to deal  with the anxiety. However, we may be treading on toes if we seek out a private consultant.......what do you think?

[Alexander]

Thanks mbuna

i know I have to live in the present and keep my mind active and exercised. I am trying to put things in place to smooth out my feelings but it is very difficult. Once my daughter starts showing signs of improvement I am sure my state of mind will rapidly improve. It is such an unsettling experience and it has taken over our entire existence at present

[sos54]

Hi again Alexander

It is great that you have modified your expectations. It is of course every hard to pinpont the problems and best course of action as everyone is different. It must be horrible for your daughter though having diarrhea for so long. Thankfully my son did not lose so much weight. It sounds like she just feels it is a physical problem. We did with my son and it was really when I had him at a Dr he liked for something else - they thought irritable bowel or food allergies that she suggested it and then talked to him further. i think the first time I went out of the room so she talked more about how he felt about school etc. His symptoms were that he would spend forever in the toilet but often more it felt like he needed to go then he did go, he did get diarrhea and had very severe stomach pains. he would get tired as well. Unfortunately these can be a symptom of many things often hard to diagnose. If eating disorders are involved it would be very different as well. You may be right in treading on toes I guess you will have to judge that but don't be afraid to make suggestions to the team or ask for clarification to eliminate things. It took years before we sorted my sons out.

A couple of things we found helpful was cutting out preservatives in food. This was one of the first suggestions and he was eating a fair bit of bread so we found a baker that had preservative free bread and avoided foods with preservatives in them. We did try cutting out gluten but it didn't help. Also if you haven't maybe worth trying cutting out dairy and see if that helps. They treated my son for a long time as having irritable bowel. It is good to eliminate what actual causes of pain and diarhoe you can just for her sake. Would she keep a food diary if you put it to her maybe like ok lets get to the bottom of what is causes you stomach pains and dairhoe. What does she think it is ? or is she just too miserable to guess anything.

Also I thought would she talk to someone else - a family member or an online support person or read information about anxiety. My son seemed in terms of his friends and school mates and really I was not aware there were any problems there unitil after everything. He told me he just was bored as he wasn't a sports person and even though it was a small school at the time and he like the sporty people and had friends he still found it hard at lunch time and used to often to go and talk to the guidance officer just for something to do. If you met him you would not have thought that as he came across very confident in himself.

 I hope that gives you some thoughts to consider best of luck. Look forward to seeing some positives for you all.

[Alexander]

Hi to everyone again

 My daughter is reasonably stable now probably back to 70% where she could be. I posted here 2 years ago but her progress has been up and down. Originally medicated but we had a major turning point mid 2013 that meant we started going down the holistic path. Comes home for lunch from school, will not have sleepovers at friends houses or eat there. It has been a life changing experience and without a very strong partner, I don't think we would be where we are. The holistic doctor we see has been excellent and my daughter (13) has not been medicated (yet)

I have really struggled lately. I tried to go off my meds but that has left me feeling anxious, light headed with a knot in my stomach. This waxes and wanes but makes me very agitated. I don't know if I should go back on the meds but I hate the numbing feeling they give, even though they take the edge off the feelings.

So this is my dilemma, back on the meds or not? I would appreciate any advice. I saw the doctor recently and he agreed with me weaning off them but the reading I have done say side effects can last for weeks...is this what I am going through? Or is it the depression and anxiety still there just resurfacing after going of the meds.

[Mary1]

Dear Alexander it's great your daughter has improved so much. Still I realise there must be many unresolved areas for yourself as you have dedicated yourself wholly to your daughters recovery.

no one can tell you what is right or wrong re medications. But I feel strongly that it's not yet time to stop treatment. Medication is a crucial part of recovery for those of us with anxiety. It doesn't sound that there's a reason to stop. Re the numb feeling you experience may I suggest you do some research online into the many different types of antidepressants-they are also described on this site under "treatment" & then go & see your GP to discuss the ones that sound best suited to you. Antidepressants don't change your personality-they are intend to help you get back to your usual state of mind. Certainly not "happy pills"-what a myth that is. More like stabilising your mood which it sounds as if taking the meds will help stabilise your mind & thoughts. And I stress they take about 3 weeks to work & don't give up until your found one that best suits you. You've probably been taking an SSRI-usually first line of treatment but then there's SNRIs which work on 2 parts of the brain & may be more effective. Remember we are here for you & will support you as best we can. Your daughter has made huge progress -it's time to now focus on your recovery. Lve Mary x

[Alexander]

Thanks so much Mary1

It is nice to get individual comments relating to our situation. I know I need to look after myself but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with the decision about medication. I am going off an anti-depressant and I am using a little medication to help lower the anxiety. I am thinking I might need to go back on the anti-depressant but I have been off them for 2 weeks after a 2 week or so taper. I have to push myself to get up and active and my wife is incredibly supportive and concerned. She has done most of the caring of our daughter while I have been working. I am on holidays now and would love to be going away with the family for a proper vacation but that is impossible really considering our daughters situation. It has been going on for 2.5 years now and it is really tiring. I would hate her to think that my situation probably relates to her getting unwell in the first place and i freak out that she may revisit those low times.